Morticom funny and unusual sexual stories
In Australia the men of the Walibri tribe greet each other by shaking penises rather than hands.
In Northern Uganda the Caramoja tribe ties weights to their penis's in order to make them longer.
In the New Hebrides Islands the Mambas wrap their penis's in yards of cloth to make them look a foot and a half long.
In the USA every year 11,000 Americans injure themselves while trying out unusual sexual positions.
In some Middle Eastern countries tickling was outlawed because it was thought to be an aphrodisiac.
The ancient Greeks believed that the womb had two compartments, one for girls and one for boys. They also believed that if a couple had sex while the wind was blowing from the North they would have a boy and from the South would be a girl.
In Nigeria people believe that if a man is hit with a broom he will become impotent unless he retaliates 7 times with the same broom.
In Australia scotch tape used to be known as Durex!
Marigold rubber gloves are made with the same production technique as a condom.
TCP was invented to combat venereal disease.
In Tokyo, Japan, the head office of contraceptive manufacturer, Fuji Latex, is built in the shape of a condom.
If the Barbie doll was lifesize she would have 39in breasts.
Ancient artists would quite often paint scenes of nudity and sex but they would never depict a naked foot.
Male racoons are the only mammals on earth that have a bone in their penis.
A male rhinocerous often remains mounted on a female for over an hour, ejaculating every 10 minutes.
Chimpanzees have been known to engage in group sex.
Human birth control pills work on gorillas.
A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes and can contain up to a pint of semen.
Snails kiss before they begin mating. They mate just once in their entire lifetime.
Some lions mate 50 times a day.
During mating the male garter snake seals up the females sexual opening with a plug made from kidney secretions. This acts as a chastity belt.
Male geese sometimes form homosexual tendencies.
Eagles can have sex while they are flying at 60 mph. They often hit the ground before they have finished.
Penguins only have sex twice a year.
Captured male dolphins masturbate regularly even when there are female dolphins present.
Apart from humans dolphins are the only other species which has sex for pleasure.
A whale's penis is called a Dork and can be up to 10 feet long.
Stick insects have been known to have sex for 79 days at a time.
Male bees die after mating with the queen bee and their penis's break off.
In Denmark some restaurants offer after-dinner condoms instead of after dinner mints to encourage contraception.
During the Middle Ages chicken soup was thought to be an aphrodisiac.
Bear's paws, alligator, curried fruit bat, rattlesnakes and termites are all considered to be aphrodisiacs.
In 1979 an inventor made "The Loving Bra" which contained tiny electronic circuits which signalled whether a woman was safe to have sex or not. It had lights which signalled whether having sex would result in a pregnancy.
On average it takes about a mere two minutes for humans to have sexual intercourse.
100 million acts of sexual intercourse take place throughout the world everyday.
On average most men have about 75 erections while they are asleep.
Erotic sensations travel from the skin to the brain at about 156 miles per hour.
On average a man will ejaculate semen 7,200 times in his lifetime, 2,000 of which will be through masturbation.
During an average lifetime a man will produce about 14 gallons of semen.
The speed of a male ejaculation is about 28 miles per hour.
Sex burns 360 calories per hour.
The men of ancient Egypt used to rub crocodile dung into their penis's because they thought it would make them bigger.
A birth control campaign in Egypt during the 1970's was a disaster when the village women preferred to wear the Pill in a locket as a talisman.
The very first contraceptive diaphragm consisted of half an orange rind.
On average it would take a couple over four years to try every one of the 529 positions in the Kama Sutra.
In Michigan man came into ER with lacerations to his penis. He complained that his wife had "A rat in her pussy" and it bit him during sex. After an examination of his wife, it was revealed that she had a surgical needle left inside her after a recent hysterectomy.
A Cambridge man hobbled into casualty complaining of a permanent erection. He explained to doctors that while he was on holiday in Cuba he frequented many brothels and in one he was given some erectile cream to keep him hard. He was told to use it sparingly. However, since he was having such a good time, he kept using more and more.
By the time he came to casualty all the blood vessels in his penis were swollen and his testicles had ballooned in size. Doctors could do nothing for him except prescribe painkillers and told him that it would return to it's flaccidity in a few days.
They also told him to enjoy his erection while it lasted because it was going to be his last one!
A 64 year old woman with colon cancer kept returning to hospital with an infection around her stoma (The hole where the tube from her colostomy bag is inserted).There was also a mysterious whitish ooze emanating from it.
After eventually inquiring about her private life the doctors found out that she had led an active sex life. She told them, "When me and my husband are feeling really energetic, my husband gets his kicks out of removing the bag and having sex with my stomach!"
In Kentucky, USA, a woman complained of a purple discharge from her vagina. She thought it might have something to do with the diaphragm that her doctor had recently given to her.
"I followed all the instructions, to the letter" said the woman, "and used it with the jelly."
When asked what kind of jelly she used she replied, "Grape."
Prostitute, Angela Marshall, has taken art to a new level by refusing to paint anyone who doesn't have sex with her. She only uses red lipstick and charges a specific fee for each piece.
A small picture is £25 plus oral sex, a medium picture is £50 plus full sex and a large picture is £75 and something kinky.
In Tacoma, Washington, USA, the County Coroner was fired after he was found to be encouraging his co-workers to take and circulate photos of the genitals of deceased local celebrities.
In Australia, Thomas Borkman, a foot fetishist with an extremely large penis, sneaked into the apartment of a woman and superglued his own face to the sole of the woman's foot while she was sleeping. It eventually took surgeons three hours to separate the pair, after which Borkman was instantly arrested.
In Crete, Greece, a young bride took her friends for a pre-nuptial party at her new house. When the bride and her friends walked into the house there was her husband wearing the wedding gown and screwing the best man up the arse. The young bride required hospital treatment after the shock.
In Edinburgh, Scotland, UK, Mr. Ross Wyatt was convicted of shameless indecency after he dropped his trousers on a busy street and started simulating sex with his shoe.
Drinks and drugs were not involved.
In Saudi Arabia, 33 million people sat down to watch a popular children's programe on TV, when hard core sex images suddenly appeared on their televison screens. The French satellite channel, Canal Plus, admitted that they accidentally broadcast the porn, which ended up with the French government publicly apologising to the viewers in the Middle East. A spokesman said that there had been a technical error but Saudi based Arasat declared it a "insane provocation."
In Canada a couple decided to take a trip up into the Rocky mountains to have a sex session. Eventually they found a bit of solid ground and began shagging. What they didn't know was that they were making love on a seisometer, the machine used to measure earthquakes. Miles away, two geophysicist's were monitoring their systems and were astounded when they picked up the signals of an earthquake measuring 7 on the richter scale.
They later said that the signals stopped as soon as the mounted police arrived at the site.
In Southampton, England, UK, research shows that girls named Sandra, Sharon and Tracey are the least likely to suffer from sexually transmitted diseases. Louise, Kelly and Clare are the most likely sufferers.
In Northern Iraq future husbands are expected to prove their undying love for future wives by fucking them in front of the whole village, three times in a row, hidden only by a flimsy curtain. If the watching priest is not satisfied by the lovemaking then the marriage is nullified.
In Madras, India, a tribe known as the Todras have a very unusual custom. When a woman is married she marry's the grooms entire family. All the groom's male relations can enjoy conjugal rights and paternal responsibility is determined by the drawing of lots, the loser having to look after all future offspring.
In Oxfordshire, England, UK, a 16 year old unnamed boy has been charged with a sexual offence after he was found naked in a field of sheep.
In Romania a top soccer player and his grilfriend died when they decided to have sex in their car, which was parked in the garage. They both got so carried away that they were overcome by the carbon monoxcide fumes when they forgot to turn the engine off. As a final straw the two bodies were later found by the footballer's father.
Statistics show that French women make love, on average, 102 times a year compared to the British lady's average total of 133. French men on the other hand only make love an average of 98 times a year which means that their wives are having affairs with foreign men!
The two most popular sexual positions among French women are the doggy style (known as La levrette or the little hare) and the woman on top (called L' amazone)
In a recent survey it was found that 37% of French women had tried anal sex but only three percent actually enjoyed it on a regular basis!
In Bristol, England, Gabriel Zarafu, an illegal immigrant from Romania was sentenced to 14 months in prison for screwing two tiny Shetland ponies.
He was caught by police in a field, at night, wearing night vision equipment after he attacked the two animals.
The judge was heard to say, "You are not a person whose presence is of any benefit to this country."
During the Roman times smelling someone of the opposite sex was considered far more important than kissing. In many different languages the words kissing and smelling are the same.
In France kissing did not become popular until the 11th century.
In Roman times the only women who undressed for sex were prostitutes, the wives keeping on as much clothing as possible.
In the 18th century female nudity was considered so offensive that even doctors delivered babies blind, under a blanket and only looked at womens genitals through a mirror.
For hundreds of years masturbation was thought to cause gout, constipation, a hunched back, bad breath, a red nose, blindness, epilepsy and moral bankruptcy.
In ancient times no man in his right mind would be willing to bed a virgin because hymeneal blood was thought to be dangerous. Priests were paid to have sex with the virgin girls, using their fingers or dildos to make them 'safe'.
In classical times aristocratic women first squatted on the penis of a statue of a Greek god to break their hymens.
In Lincolnshire, England, 34 year old Andy Thompson was arguing with a neighbour when the police were called. When the police arrived Thompson became so abusive that the police sprayed CS gas at his face but instead of being totally incapacitated Thomson yelled back, "It's given me a hard-on!" and then growled like a dog.
In Ningxia, China, a petrol station is offering prostitutes to customers when they stop for fuel. The official newsagency in Xinhua stated, "It isn't always clear if the customers went for gas or for sex, but the sex is only available if they buy petrol first!"
Gold necklaces, TV sets and mobile phones are also being given out as an inducement to buy fuel.
The historian Ephorus says that Greek boys could expect their first encounter with another's man-milk at the tender age of 13. A lad would pair with an older man who would take him into the mountains to teach him philosophy, hunting - and fellatio. Men would go on to marry in their twenties but would keep a male partner for trips to various social functions and also to the gym. In turn, all males wanted their sons to be desired by their pals.
In Aristophanes' 'The Birds', one irate father exclaims to a friend: "This is a fine state of affairs. You meet my son all fresh from the bath and you don't kiss him or feel his balls! And you're supposed to be a friend of ours!". Foreign boys were often smuggled in from wars overseas to serve as catomites.
In Ancient Rome homosexuality was rife but only slaves could be penetrated. A law (Lex Scatinia) forbade the master from being the passive partner. In fact the biggest insult you could throw at a free man was: "Your breath smells of your slave's semen!". The plays of Plautus hint that most courtiers ignored these rules when behind closed doors and Emperor Otho was known to massage his beard with bread pellets in an attempt to stop his stubble from grazing the inner thighs of his male partner. By AD533 the Emperor Justinian, who was concerned the citizenry was becoming too fay, banned gay relationships on the grounds that they 'caused earthquakes'!
In Ancient Egypt anal penetration was a no-no and the thought of being somebody's 'bitch' made Egyptians feel so uneasy that a word for homosexuality was never even invented! This fear is apparent throughout Egyptian myth: the god Atum boasted that one of his rivals "has no power over me for I copulate between his buttocks". However the Egyptians saw no problem in 'pitching' and would take great delight in sodomising their enemies on the battlefield before cutting off their members to take home as souvenirs. The pharoah Merneptah once returned from a skirmish with the Libyans with a haul of 6,359 uncircumcised shafts.
The Middle Ages wasn't exactly a good time for buggery. The church decreed that any clerics caught 'cassock-lifting' could face castration or 'be hung by their virile member'. The ruling barons were anti-gay too and suspected Edward II of having an affair with a page boy when the King became obsessed by French fashions and poetry. He was murdered soon after by having a red-hot poker rammed up his rear end!
In New York a 36-year-old man carried his decomposing penis into hospital claiming a prostitute had hacked it off. A police investigation later revealed he'd been building a guitar when the knife he was using slipped. In shock, the unfortunate 'victim' left his member in the kitchen for four days where it had deteriorated so badly it couldn't be sewn back on. He admitted he had made up the prostitute story to avoid being sent to the nut house.
A 34-year-old man from California was rushed to hospital after injecting cocaine into his urethra to enhance sexual performance. The result was a vigorous session but he started to panic when the stiffy refused to subside - for three days! When it finally disappeared blood clotting led to gangrene and the amputation of both legs, nine fingers - and the love-stick itself!
Whilst arguing with his girlfriend about his poor sexual performance in 1998 a Louisiana man castrated himself with a kitchen knife. He then rushed to hospital where he accused his girlfriend of performing the evil deed - a story he regretted when police confiscated his balls, putting them in a freezer as evidence.
In Munich, Germany, a 59-year-old mechanic came to a desperate end when his wife decided to use a powerful vacuum to spice up their sex life. As the man's wife gently prodded his groin with the hose, the powerful mechanism sucked in his penis mangling it beyond repair in the machines rotor which spins at 17,000 times per minute. Surgery was performed but a year later the man reported that his member remained lifeless and without sensation.
A traffic warden based in Croydon, England was caught with his pants down in a bush because he'd been feeling 'fruity' and was overcome by the desire to relieve his tension. A witness noted: 'He had his hands down the front of his trousers. It looked as if he was masturbating." He should count himself lucky not to have caught a dose of the 'clamp'.
In Winnipeg, Canada, three underage drinkers decided to go into a strip bar to get drunk and enjoy the women.
The pleasure quickly turned to pain and embarrassment when one of the boy's mothers suddenly appeared on stage naked and picking up quarters with her gaping vulva.
The mother had apparently told everyone that she had been visiting her Aunt Cecilia.
In Albuquerque, New Mexico, 63 year old Navajo medicine man, Yazzie King, was arrested for sexually abusing three of his patients after he claimed that he could suck out the evil spirits from their genitals.
He would administer his treatments by using a bamboo flute which he picked up from a local flea market, but once told a patient that the evil spirits inside her could only be released if she had an orgasm while he performed oral sex on her.
In Tijuana, Mexico, a worker in a factory making paper pinata dolls was found to be stuffing the dolls with more than just sweets.
He was caught on CCTV camera having sex with one of the toys while fondling and kissing another one.
After being fired the man considered taking the company to court because he claimed that chicken wire inside the paper dolls had scratched his genitals.
In Neustadtam-Rubenberge, Germany, in 2001, 41 year old blonde woman, Baerbal Buscher, had an unusual fetish. She got sexual satisfaction from shoplifting.
After being caught for the 21st time she stated, "I don't want the stuff, I just think of a detective watching, coming up behind, putting his hands on my shoulder, then I orgasm!"
She was sentenced to 14 months in prison.
In Coeur d'Alene, Idaho, USA, police are not allowed to walk up to a car which they suspect is being used for sex.
They must drive up from behind, honk their horn three times and then wait two minutes before investigating.
In Tijuana, Mexico, a 39 year old man who suffered from apotembnophilia (Sexual gratification by limb removal), bled to death after he paid a local doctor $6,000 to sever his right leg.
Businessman, John Allan, successfully divorced his wife, Ewa, after she stopped giving him blow jobs!
Polish born, Ewa, lost all rights to a mansion and £400,000 a year when she gave up giving her husband oral sex after she "found" God.
Ewa preferred to sprinkle her husband with holy water to "drive out" the devils in his body.
The judge who awarded the divorce later stated, "She refused to perform certain sexual acts previously enjoyed on principle."
The can-can dance was originally performed by French prostitutes. They would perform the can-can with no underwear on so that they could display their "wares" to customers.
In Los Angeles, California, USA, Steve Josephson has founded the Organisation For The Protection Of Innocent Sperm!
He says that he wants to end the "genocidal desecration" of sperms by the use of condoms, vasectomies, spermicides, masturbation and tight underwear!
A 17-year-old ended up in hospital when his girlfriend used a spermicidal vaginal suppository for the first time. The nonoxymol-9 caused severe burning pain in his urethra during sex and the subsequent inflammation was so bad he couldn't pee. A catheter had to be inserted up his penis to drain his bladder.
Holland's entire navy disappeared when the central command system crashed - because it had been overloaded with porn films downloaded by some horny Dutch sailors. Expert computer technicians had to be called in to get the emergency response system up and running again. The sailors responsible have been threatened with dismissal if they download any more porn from the internet.
In Aachen, Germany, police were called to calm an argument between a man and his wife. He was on the way to a brothel and accidentally ran into his wife, who was secretly working there as a prostitute!
Troubled chauffeur John Forbes left his employer, Lady Inchyra, little option but to dismiss him after colleagues refused to work alongside him as he had a penchant for wearing ladies underwear. He was often seen 'treating' fellow motorists' on a major road to an eyeful of his hairy man-flesh trussed up in stockings, suspenders and a bra from within a sheepskin coat. However, Forbes' boss bungled his disciplinary procedure leaving him free to claim for unfair dismissal.
In Missouri, USA, in 2001, a pervert was loose on the streets who seemed to be molesting women's feet!
The foot fetishist had been fooling women into taking off their shoes and then licking and chewing their feet!
The man told one of the victims that he had been sent out by his wife to buy some tights and couldn't tell between the sizes and the next thing the woman knew was that he had all of her toes in his mouth.
In 1995 the publication "The Journal of Urology" reported that about 600,000 men in the USA have become totally impotent due to exercise related injuries to their genitals.
The most common injury to the genitals being caused by riding bicycles too vigorously!
In England, Mr. Craig Widdowson was charged with indecent exposure after he was found having sex with a pavement, an underpass and several black bags.
At court Judge Barry Bethal stated that Widdowson was, "In the grip of a powerful obsession!"
In Bulgaria televison viewers were left seething after a live broadcast of the solar eclipse was not shown as scheduled.
It was later found that the entire film crew covering the eclipse were somewhere else filming pornographic scenes for a late night erotic drama.
The TV controller later stated, "We are very sorry to all those who were disappointed and those responsible will be punished!"
In Sydney, Australia, 61 year old Reino Virtanen tried to sue his neighbour, Grace Denicolay, age 47, because of the noise of her vibrator which allegedly aggravated his heart condition.
He claimed the constant noise, "Kept him up all night!"
In Croydon, England, traffic warden Mark Summerfield was doing his rounds when he was overcome by the sudden desire to masturbate!
He jumped behind a bush, pushed his hand into his trousers and began pulling his plonker!
Unfortunately for him he was caught by a passerby who later said, "He had his hands down his trousers; it looked as though he was masturbating!"
Its good to know that traffic wardens really are a bunch of wankers isn't it!
In ancient Greece some prostitutes used to wear sandals with the words 'Follow Me' tooled in relief on the soles.
As they walked along the dusty roads they would leave a trail that customers could follow.
In Georgian times in England it was quite common for men to eat the testicles of a variety of animals as an aphrodisiac.
The most sought after testicles were from a lion.
In the USA 76% of all men would be willing to have sex with a stranger for $1,000,000.
The only country in the world never to have censored pornographic films is Belgium.
In England, during the 1960's, one strip club alone had ten Members of Parliament, sixty Knights and thirty five Peers among it's members.
In Italy, police once rounded up a ring of prostitutes and were totally amazed to find out that every one of them was a grandmother.
Male sex hormones are at their peak during the Autumn and Winter months.
In Hawaii, USA, the age of consent for homosexuals is 14.
Laura Bell, who was once one of London's most expensive prostitutes had a change of heart, married a bishop and eventually became a preacher herself.
Until the beginning of the 20th century most Egyptian men did not like the job of deflowering their virgin brides so they would pay a servant to do it for them.