Morticom funny and unusual observations
How do you throw away a garbage can?
Why in baseball is it called the World Series if it is only played in the U.S.A?
Why do old men have hair in their ears?
Why are buttons on guys' shirts on a different side than girls' shirts?
Why are things typed up but written down?
How come you can kill a deer and put it on your wall but its illegal to keep them as a pet?
Why does caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
In some books why do they have blank pages at the very end?
If you were on a plane going the speed of sound and walked from the back of the plane to the front would you be walking faster than the speed of sound?
If the universe is expanding what is it expanding into?
What does OK actually mean?
Why do we feel blue? And what color does a smurf feel when it is down?
Why can't you eat pancakes for dinner?
Why do donuts have holes?
Why do the numbers on a phone go one way and the numbers on the calculator go the other?
Do the different "M&M's"ģ colors really taste different?
If your born at exactly midnight is your birthday on both those days?
If you're caught "between a rock and a hard place" is the rock not hard?
If one man says, "It was an uphill battle," and another says, "It went downhill from there," how could they both be having troubles?
Why is it you can walk down a road even if it goes uphill?
Why do we say "bye bye" but not "hi hi"?
Can blind people be dyslexic when they read Braille?
How do you handcuff a one-armed man?
Why is the abbreviation for pound 'lb' when l or b isn't in the word pound?
Why do they call the angel of death an angel if all it does is bring pain and suffering?
Why does the glue in the bottle never dry up?
If Luke took a bath would the water be lukewarm?
If an anarchist group attained political power would they by principle have to dissolve their own government?
If you decide that you're indecisive which one are you?
Why is it we have the weight of the world on our shoulders but have to get it off our chests?
Why does everyone speak different languages and have different accents if we all originally came from the same place?
If you tell someone they are being judgmental are you not being judgmental yourself?
Why do they call it your "bottom" when it's really in the middle of your body?
How come no matter what color the liquid is the froth is always white?
Why do British people never sound British when they sing?
Why do they call them guidance counselors when all counselors do is offer guidance?
Why do they call it "head over heels in love" if our head is always over our heels?
Why is the name of the phobia for the fear of long words Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia?
If someone can't see they're blind and if someone cant hear they're deaf so what do you call people who can't smell?
Why is it called a TV set when there's only one?
Why do they call it an escalator if it takes you down?
If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?
Since we see little birdies when we just get knocked out what do little birdies see when they just get knocked out??
What is a male ladybug called?
Why is an alarm clock going "off" when it actually turns on?
How fast do hotcakes sell?
If you mated a bull dog and a shitsu would it be called a bullshit?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Does the President have to pay taxes?
If Dracula has no reflection how comes he always has such a straight parting in his hair?
If an ambulance is on its way to save someone and it runs someone over in the street does it stop to help them?
Why is Grape Nuts cereal called that when it contains neither grapes, nor nuts?
Why do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front?
What ever happened to an E grade? We have A,B,C,D,F but no E.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Don't you find it worrying that doctors call treating you their "practice" ?
What do you call a female daddy long legs?
If croutons are stale bread why do they come in airtight packages?
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
If a transport truck carrying a load of cars gets into a car accident does it increase the number of the cars in the pile-up?
Why is it called a "drive through" if you have to stop?
Why does mineral water that has "trickled through mountains for centuries" go out of date next year?
Do vampires get AIDS?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat?
Why is it that lemon dishsoap is made with real lemons but lemon juice has artificial flavoring?
If you stole a pen from a bank then would it still be considered a bank robbery?
Why can magicians make things disappear into thin air but not thick air?
Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?
Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what ever comes out"?
What do people in China call their good plates?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Why doesn't a chicken egg taste like chicken?
Why is it that cargo is transported by ship while a shipment is transported by car?
Why do people say "You scared the living daylights out of me" when daylight is not living?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time but people don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does a gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up "there" anyway?
If somebody vanished without a trace how do people know they are missing?
Why are boxing rings square?
Why do people never say "It's only a game" when they're winning?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Why do birds have white poop?
Why is an elevator still called an elevator even when its going down?
Why is an electrical outlet called an outlet when you plug things into it?
Shouldn't it be called an inlet.
If love is blind how can we believe in love at first sight?
If you accidently ate your own tongue what would it taste like?
Do sore thumbs really stick out?
Why do we scrub Down and wash Up?
What's the opposite of opposite?
If Practice makes perfect and nobody's perfect then why practice?
If you try to fail and then succeed what did you just do?
Why do hotdogs come in packs of 8 when hotdog rolls come in packs of 10?
What do you call male ballerinas?
How come the sun makes your skin darker but your hair lighter?
If you dig a tunnel straight through the earth will you come out with your feet first?
Did they have antiques in the olden days?
Are zebras black with white stripes or white with black stripes?
If Pringles are "so good that once you pop, you can't stop" why do they come with a resealable lid?
What came first the fruit or the color orange?
Where does the white go when the snow melts?
Can people who are born blind see their dreams?
If there's an exception to every rule is there an exception to that rule?
Why do you click on start to exit Microsoft Windows?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why do most cars have speedometers that go up to at least 130 when you legally can't go that fast on any road?
Why do they call it "getting your dog fixed" if afterwards it doesn't work anymore?
If Wile Coyote had enough money for all that Acme crap why didn't he just buy dinner?
If masochists like to torture themselves wouldn't they do it best by not torturing themselves?
Why is it called lipstick when it always comes off?
Why is a person that handles your money called a BROKER?
Why do we leave expensive cars in the drivway when we keep worthless junk in the garage?
Why do they have handicap parking spaces in front of the skating rings?
Why do they call it taking a dump?
Shouldn't it be leaving a dump?
Where in the nursery rhyme does it say humpty dumpty is an egg?
If quizzes are quizzical then what are tests?
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
What would happen if an Irresistable Force met an Immovable Object?
how can you chop down a tree and then chop it up?
How can you hear yourself think?
If corn oil is made from corn and vegetable oil is made from vegetables then what is baby oil made from?
How come thaw and unthaw mean the same thing?
If a Man is talking in the forest and there is no woman there to hear him is he still wrong?
Why is it that when a person tells you there's over a million stars in the universe you believe them but if someone tells you there's wet paint somewhere you have to touch it to make sure?
If you fed a bee nothing but oranges would it start making marmalade?
Why do you get on a bus and a train but get into a car?
Is Disney world the only people trap operated by a mouse?
Why do grocery stores buy so many checkout line registers if they only keep 3 or 4 open?
Why do The Alphabet Song, Twinkle Twinkle Little Star and Mary Had a Little Lamb all have the same tune?
If you're in hell and are mad at someone where do you tell them to go?
What would Geronimo say if he jumped out of an airplane?
Why are turds pinched off at the end?
I know you can be overwhelmed and I know you can be underwhelmed but can you just be whelmed?
Why does Donald Duck wear a towel when he comes out of the shower when he doesn't usually wear any pants?
If you take an oriental person and spin him around a few times does he become disoriented?
How come overtones and undertones are the same thing?
What would you use to dilute water?
How can military troops be deployed if they have never been ployed to begin with?
If you lived in Siberia and you wronged the Russian government where would they send you?
Before they invented drawing boards what did they go back to?
Aren't all generalizations false?
Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?
Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
Could someone ever get addicted to counseling?
If so how could you treat them?
Did Adam and Eve have navels?
Do fish get cramps after eating?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Do Nescafe employees take coffee breaks?
Do one legged ducks swim in circles?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as 4's?
If you are born on February 29th of a leap year when is your birthday?
Do birds pee?
Do siamese twins pay for one ticket or two tickets when they go to movies and concerts?
What do you say when someone says you're in denial but you're not?
If water spins clockwise when it drains in the northern hemisphere and spins counterclockwise when it drains in the southern hemisphere...which way does it spin at the equator?
If you have x-ray vision and you can see through anything wouldnt you see through everything and actually see nothing?
If it is a 50 mph wind and you drive your car at 50mph downwind if you stick your head outside would you feel the wind?
Why does "closing up" a shop and "closing down" a shop mean the same thing?
Can a one-eyed person have 20/20 vision?
If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia would you get a Phillip's Screwdriver?
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
If a pig loses its voice is it disgruntled?
Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?
If love is blind why is lingerie so popular?
When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in what happens to the other penny?
When cheese gets it's picture taken what does it say?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
If horrific means to make horrible does terrific mean to make terrible?
Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?
"I am " is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do " is the longest sentence?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?
If people from Poland are called "Poles" why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?"
Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
What happens when you call an 800 number collect?
When vultures are on their deathbed are they ever tempted to eat themselves?
Why are builders afraid to have a thirteenth floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?
Aren't all generalizations false?
Why aren't there bullet-proof pants?
Sooner or later doesn't everyone stop smoking?
When you open a bag of cotton balls is the top one meant to be thrown away?
Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
Why don't you ever see the headline Psychic Wins Lottery?
If all the world is a stage where is the audience sitting?
How can the weather be "hot as hell" one day and "cold as hell" another?
If women ran the Pentagon would missiles and submarines be shaped differently?
What does it mean if you break a mirror with a rabbit's foot?
If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia can you read all right?
Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?
Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow how cold is it going to be?
If athletes get athlete's foot do astronauts get mistletoe?
Would a part-time bandleader be considered a semi-conductor?
If blind people wear dark glasses why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?
How do you know when you're out of invisible ink?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell is it homeless or naked?
If the folks at the psychic hotlines were really psychic wouldn't they call you first?
If someone invented instant water what would they mix it with?
Why do most countries have only one Monopolies Commission?
If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter then what are Girl Scout cookies made from?
What could porn actors possibly do for fun during their time off?
Why do they report power cuts on TV?
When it rains why don't sheep shrink?
Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?
Why do "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
Why is bra singular and knickers plural?
Are people more violently opposed to fur rather than leather because it's much easier to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs?
How does a shelf salesman keep his store from looking empty?
If a chronic liar tells you he is a chronic liar do you believe him?
How do they get deer to cross at those yellow road signs?
Can an ambidextrous person make an off-handed remark?
Could it be that boulders are statues of big rocks?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Why is it so hard to remember how to spell "mnemonic"?
Why do "tugboats" push?
Do bleached blondes pretend to have more fun?
Does anybody ever vanish with a trace?
How can "quite a lot" and "quite a few" mean the same thing?
If you throw a cat out of the car window does it become kitty litter?
Why is a women's prison called a penal colony?
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
Why are they called apartments when they're all stuck together?
Why are they called buildings when they're already finished?
Shouldn't they be called "builts"?
Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
How did a fool and his money get together in the first place?
If the plural of tooth is "teeth" why isn't the plural of booth "beeth"?
How many people thought of the Post-It note before it was invented but just didn't have anything to jot it down on?
Why is it whether you sit up or sit down the result is the same?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
When an agnostic dies does he go to the "great perhaps"?
If a firefighter fights fire and a crime fighter fights crime what does a freedom fighter fight?
Why do we recite at a play and play at a recital?
Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?
Why don't they call moustaches "mouthbrows"?
Why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up a project, I end it?
Why do "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
When they ship Styrofoam what do they pack it in?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
Shouldn't there be a shorter word for "monosyllabic"?
What's another word for "thesaurus"?
Why do skydivers wear helmets?
Why do we put suits in a garment bag and garments in a suitcase?
Why does your nose run and your feet smell?
What's the speed of dark?
Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
If convenience stores are open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular why is it still #2?
If the police arrest a mime do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
If vegetarians eat vegetables what do humanitarians eat?
Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
Are there cemetery workers that donít work the graveyard shift?
How can someone "draw a blank"?
If nothing ever sticks to Teflon how do they make Teflon stick to the pan?
Is there another word for "synonym"?
When sign makers go on strike is anything written on their signs?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
Should crematoriums give a discount to burn victims?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If a book about failures doesn't sell is it a success?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest will it make a sound?
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge would they call it Fed Up?
Why are wrong telephone numbers never engaged?
How can there be self-help "groups"?
Do married people live longer than single people or does it just seem longer?
Do police sketch artists start out by drawing chalk outlines?
Do Scottish Terriers get Scotch tapeworms?
Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?
How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If "con" is the opposite of "pro" is "Congress" the opposite of "progress"?
Does the reverse side also have a reverse side?
If it only takes one dollar a day to feed a child in Africa why does it take two dollars a day to lose weight with Jenny Craig?
If a mute swears does his mother make him wash his hands with soap?
If a person thinks marathons are superior to sprints is that racism?
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide is it considered a hostage situation?
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it?
Why is it when two planes almost hit each other it is called a "near miss"?
Shouldn't it be called a "near hit"?
Why is it called "after dark" when it is really "after light"?
Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
Can I get arrested for running into a Fire House yelling Movie! Movie!?
Why is there an eject button on the VCR remote? Don't you have to get up to get to the tape?
Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window!
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
How do you know when yogurt goes bad?
What does a recovery vehicle do when it breaks down?
If 75% of all accidents happen within 5 miles of home why not move 10 miles away?
If a bus station is where a bus stops and a train station is where a train stops why do I have a work station on my desk?
If a dog sweats through his tongue why does he have armpits?
If a woman's vagina smells of fish what does a dolphin's vagina smell of?
If a synchronized swimmer drowns does her partner also have to drown?
If a woman can be a meter maid can a man be a meter butler?
If an orange is orange why isn't a lime called a green?
If God dropped acid would he see people?
If God sneezes...what should you say?
If inert is to be stationary what is ert?
If knees were backwards what would chairs look like?
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?
If soap is used to make you clean why does it leave a scum?
If superglue is so good why doesn't it stick to the inside of the tube?
Why do pubs have parking lots?
If you dive into a pool of dry ice can you swim without getting wet?
If you got into a taxi and he started driving backwards would the driver end up owing you money?
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them what do you call it?
If you have a friend who works for the Psychic Friends Network should you plan a surprise birthday party for them?
If you have your finger touching the rearview mirror that says -- "objects in mirror are closer than they appear" how can that be possible?
If you spend your day doing nothing how do you know when you're done?
If you steal a clean slate does it go on your record?
Is it progress if a cannibal learns to eat with a fork?
Since cats always land on their feet and buttered bread always lands butter-side down what happens if you tie buttered bread to the back of a cat?
What color is a chameleon on a mirror?
What do sheep count when they can't sleep?
What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?
When blind people go to the bathroom how do they know when they are done wiping their arse?
When people lose weight where does it go?
When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper does he wonder why you're just sitting there staring at carpeting?
Who invented accents?
Who named everything?
Why are cigarettes sold in petrol stations when smoking is prohibited there?
Why are we afraid of falling? Shouldn't we be afraid of the sudden stop?
Why didn't Luke Skywalker tell Darth Vader to turn to the light side of the Force?
Why do they call it disposable douche? Is there a kind of douche you keep after using?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
Why does "cleave" mean both split apart and stick together?
Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?
Why don't you ever hear about gruntled employees?
Why don't you ever see baby pigeons?
Why is it called a bust when it stops right before the part it is named after?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address you turn down the volume on the radio?
Why is it when a door is open it's ajar but when a jar is open it's not adoor?
Why isn't "palindrome" spelled the same way backwards?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
After eating do amphibians have to wait an hour before getting out of the water?
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs?
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
What did we use before toilet paper?
Are the Yellow, Red and Black Seas actually yellow, red and black?
Why can't you tickle yourself?
Life is hard compared to what?
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled how would we know?
If Barbie's so popular why do you have to buy all her friends?
If cats and dogs didn't have fur would we still pet them?
If I melt dry ice can I take a bath without getting wet?
Why is it that when a man talks dirty to a woman it's sexual harassment but when a woman talks dirty to a man it's $3.95 per minute!
Anything that can go wrong will go wrong.
The first place to look for something is the last place you would expect to find it.
If somebody says to you "It's not the money its the principle", nine times out of ten its the money.
Why is it that whenever you take a ride on a bicycle it's always more uphill than downhill?
Why is it that whenever you mention something good might happen it then goes away but if you mention something bad might happen it always does.
Why is it that you never find something you have lost until you have replaced it?
Why is it that even though the train you are travelling on is late, the bus taking you home from the station is always on time.
If an experiment works then something has gone wrong.
Why does it always rain when you wash your car but washing your car cannot make it rain?
Why is it than when you dial a wrong number it is never engaged?
Why do cheques get lost in the post but bills ALWAYS arrive?
Why do the queues in supermarkets always seem to be moving faster than the one you are in?
It's strange how sickness always seem to start on a Friday evening and end on a Monday morning.
Friends come and go but enemies accumulate.
The odds of a piece of buttered bread falling butter-side down is directly proportional to the value of the carpet.
Why is it that the worst itches are always in places that are the hardest to reach?
Why is it that any three social activities that you enjoy in the course of one month will always happen on the same day?
Why is it that the only people who can get a bank loan are the people who can prove that they don't need one!