Morticom funny true stories of criminals and crime
45 year old Amy Brasher was arrested in San Antonio, Texas after a mechanic reported to police that 18 packets of marijuana were packed in the engine compartment of the car which she had brought to the mechanic for an oil change. According to police Brasher later said that she didn't realize that the mechanic would have to raise the hood to change the oil.
In Portsmouth police charged Gregory Rosa, 25, with a string of vending machine robberies in January when he fled from the police inexplicably, after he was spotted loitering around a vending machine and later tried to post his $400.00 bail in coins.
Karen Lee Joachimi, aged 20 was arrested in Lake City, Florida for robbery of a Howard Johnson's motel. She was armed with only an electric chainsaw which was not plugged in.
The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 7:50am, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because the said he couldn't open the cah register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
On February 3, 1990 a Renton (Seattle area) man tried to commit a robbery. This was probably his first attempt as suggested by his lack of a record of violent crime and by his terminally stupid choice.
First of all the target was H&J Leather & Firearms, a gunshop. The shop was full of customers in a state where a substantial fraction of the adult population is licensed to carry concealed handguns in public places.
To enter the shop he had to step around a marked King County Police patrol car parked at the front door. An officer in uniform was standing next to the counter having coffee before reporting to duty.
Upon seeing the uniformed officer the would be robber announced a hold up and fired a few wild shots. The officer and the clerk promptly returned fire removing him from the gene pool.
Several other customers also drew their guns but didn't fire. No one else was hurt.
Shopping mall bosses in Sydney, Australia have become so fed up with teenage yobs running wild through their complex that they have come up wih a novel idea. As well as fitting pink fluorescent lights which highlight the tennager's spotty faces, they also play Bing Crosby songs back to back all day. An insider said, "Youngsters who normally hang around causing trouble can't stand the music or the lyrics and soon decide to move on!"
A girl from Milan, Italy found a successful way of getting her burglar boyfriend off the hook from a robbery charge. Maria Algedion arrived in court on the day of sentencing and when the judge sentenced her boyfriend to a prison term the sexy brunette jumped to her feet and took all her clothes off.
In the confusion her boyfriend ran out of the court, as planned, and managed to escape. Maria has been arrested and charged with assisting to escape.
In Perth, Australia John Ward, an unsuccessful burglar, decided that he needed a little help moving all his stolen goods back to his home. He telephoned a taxi from the victim's house, and left the crime scene in comfort.
Unfortunately for him Perth police traced the taxi company by simply pressing the redial button on the telephone, and, within a matter of hours, they traced Ward, and arrested him.
Alan Jurgens, from Detroit, USA was jailed for three months after flouting a court order that he should lose weight.
450 pound Jurgens was branded a 'Threat to society' after a series of car accidents that were solely caused by his size. He was arrested by police when they found him buying a dozen tubs of ice cream.
In Caen, France two 15 year old joyriders have been charged with taking and driving away an airliner. They both broke into the 68 passenger ATR72 and drove it down the runway reaching a speed of 110mph before running out of fuel.
In Dublin, Ireland two 13 year old prisoners at a detention centre held a rooftop protest. Their demands included a personal audience with Pamela Anderson, a helicopter, £1000 cash, a bottle of orange juice and two cigarettes. The authorities refused all their demands and the pair finally gave up when their mothers turned up.
In Paris, France police stopped cyclist who was riding down a street the wrong way and when they searched him they found he was carrying a gun. The cyclist explained to police that he was on his way to buy drugs and needed his gun because it was a dangerous area. Only later did police discover that he was a trainee policeman.
In Cairo, Egypt Sabur Abu El-Alla, who was charged with firebombing a bus, agreed to help the prosecution by playing himself in a video of the reconstruction of the crime. Whilst filming, Sabur was extremely professional and waited patiently for the moment when he had to fire at tourists on the bus then throw three Molotov cocktails down the aisle.
Sabur said, "I have always wanted to be an actor!" not realising the damage that he had done to his defense.
In Kent, England police were called to a small village, when it was reported that someone had been seen firing a gun from a cottage window. Police sealed off the area and besieged the small cottage, then, after a two hour wait, police finally ordered the person in the cottage to come out with their hands up.
They were all stunned when 86 year old Violet Hook emerged carrying a cap gun that she used to scare rooks from her roof.
When police ordered her to drop her 'weapon' Violet replied, "I won't! I don't even know you, and besides, I'm going out and I'm busy getting ready." Violet later described the police operation as, "Ridiculous!"
In Scunthorpe, England 74 year old Hilda Robinson was waiting at a bus stop when she put her handbag on the pavement for a moment a daring thief snatched it and ran off. Her handbag contained a substantial amount of cash, keys, a bus pass and her Bingo card. Police were told that the suspect was female, wearing a head scarf and between 70 and 80 years old!
In Milwaukee, USA Vickie Lemons visited her local supermarket, and, when she filled her trolley up, went to the 10 items or less till. As Vickie was puttting her shopping on the conveyor belt she was confronted by another shopper who was seething with anger to find that Vickie had more than 10 items in her trolley. After the two women started arguing the dispute spilled out into the car park where the unhappy shopper pulled out a knife and sliced off half of Vickie's nose. The assailant was charged with recklessly endangering safety. Serves Vicky right though!
In Sweden Suzanna Borg, a swedish sex mad nurse who tried to import Middle Eastern marriage practices into Europe, married seven men after returning home from an 18 month stint in Lebanon, where she noticed that men had more than one wife.
To satisfy her sexual cravings Suzanna signed up with several dating agencies selecting the top seven studs to get married to, using different registry offices to avoid suspicion, and, for over a year she spent one passionate evening a week with each husband telling them that she had to work the other six nights.
Eventually Mr. Tuesday met Mr. Saturday quite by accident and they started talking about their wives, when they both realised they were talking about the same woman, so they reported her to the police.
Suzanna, age 30 pleaded guilty in court on six counts of bigamy and received a sentence of 1 year in prison.
In Germany the driver of a large digger took road rage to new heights when he was stuck behind a Mercedes that had stalled and wouldn't start again. The digger driver scooped up the car and dumped it in the front entrance of the Mainz railway station.
Police later confirmed that the Mercedes was a complete wreck.
In Atlanta, USA bank robber Rodney Haynes stuffed a load of banknotes down his trousers not realising a wad of the bills had an explosive detonator inside of them.
The detonator is used to cover the notes with red dye, and not only was he covered with this inky mess, but he blew a hole in his trousers scorching his testicles and penis.
In Seville, Spain a Brazilian wheelchair bound coke smuggler made an amazing escape from prison. Constantino da Silva, aged 45 was being moved from prison to a Seville hospital for a check up on the arthritic condition he claimed had crippled him when suddenly he leapt out of his wheelchair and ran off.
The stunned guards gave chase but da Silva managed to get away.
In Auburn, Maine, USA John Lane and Cynthia Palmer constantly had religious music blasting from their home. Neighbours complained and when the police arrived they found Palmer's 4 year old daughter, Angela, dead in the oven. Lane confessed that he had been forced to kill Angela after a disembodied voice told him that she was a demon.
In Australia, in the 1990's pig farmer Ralph Vollmer was convinced that his wife was possessed by the devil after she started running around the outback totally naked and yelling obscenities. He called in 23 year old Matthew Nuske, a part time exorcist, and two other accompices to help him.
Together they bound Mrs Vollmer to the fireplace and brutally beat her while a bible was repeatedly slammed into her face. Eventually Mrs Vollmer died but Nuske insisted that this was normal and that his renewed wife would arise from the corrupted bloody body within two days.
She didn't of course and Vollmer, Nuske and the two accomplices were convicted of manslaughter in 1994.
In 1988 Canadian cult leader Roch Thierault treated one of his lovers, Solange Boilard, by severing part of her intestine. Boilard died the next day and Thierault cut open her skull to expose the brain and masturbated all over the brain to try and restore life to her.
In Bridgeport, Connecticut, USA in 1872 Captain George Colvocoresses was found shot dead on a well frequented street. A pistol and a satchel lay beside his body and police at first thought it was a clear case of murder.
When they examined the body however they found that there was no bullet hole in his clothing whatsoever while the bullet hole in his body had a powder burn around it indicating that the gun had been thrust under his garments before being shot. The police were at a loss to explain why a murderer would go to so much trouble.
The next theory was that the captain had committed suicide. A few months earlier he had insured his life for $193,000 but his will only revealed bequests of a few thousand dollars. Also the captain's character was impeccable and he lived a stainless life. Then there were the technical difficulties of the suicide theory. Why did he place the pistol inside his vest before pulling the trigger? Why did he decide to do it in the early evening on a well frequented street?
In the end his death could not be explained as suicide or murder.
In Maspeth, Long Island, USA in July 1891 Mr. Carl Gros was found shot dead, but upon examination it was found that the bullet that had penetrated his body had left no holes in his clothing.
In Cambridge, England, on March 16th, 1901, 72 year old Lavinia Farrar was found dead in her kitchen, fully dressed, her face bruised and her nose broken. At the side of her was a bloodstained knife and just a few drops of blood. An examination found that she had been stabbed in the heart.
The resulting inquest concluded an open verdict because although the woman had been stabbed, her clothing had not been penetrated by the knife and was unmarked by blood apart from the inner garments. As her death was almost instantaneous it would have been impossible for her to first stab herself and then dress before dying. Also the blood on the knife and the floor seemed not to be hers and the wound was almost bloodless.
In Dublin, Ireland in 1907, Dublin Castle was raided by a thief who stole the crown jewels of Ireland practically under the eyes of the four guards who were protecting them. It has been estimated that the thief firstly obtained the keys to the tower's main doors and then the strong room and finally the safe. The thief must have spent at least 10 to 15 minutes freeing the jewels from their cases and yet no suspicions were aroused. A long investigation by Scotland Yard yielded nothing. The whereabouts of the jewels and thief are still to this day unknown.
In New York, USA on March 9th, 1929 Mr. Isadore Fink was found shot to death in a back room of a Fifth Avenue laundry. When police arrived they found the doors to the back room locked and they eventually gained entry by lifting a small boy into the room through a tiny window.
Upon examination it was found that Fink had been shot twice, once in the chest and hand, both of which showed powder burns. There was also money in Fink's pockets and cash register.
At first the police theorised that the murderer had climbed through the small window, but the window was just big enough for a small boy to enter and also why should the murderer have left the room through the window when the door would have been easier? A second theory was that Fink had been shot from the window yet the powder burns proved he had been shot from a very close range.
More than two years after Fink's death the New York Police Commissioner called the murder an 'insoluble mystery'.
In Indianapolis, USA in 1974 the staff at the Dowling Construction Company finished their shift leaving behind a five ton wrecking ball hanging from a crane 200 feet above the ground. When the staff returned the next morning to begin their shift the ball had disappeared. Everyone concerned including the police were totally baffled and to this day the huge metal ball has never been found.
In Belgravia, England Rodney Price, the millionaire owner of the Thistle Group of hotels, left his butler, Percival Hole, in charge of his home, while he was away in Austria.
When Price returned back to England he found that his butler had sold his $100,000 Bentley car and $5,000 in cash, gone to Frankfurt and spent all the money on champagne, cocaine and prostitutes. Hole also impersonated Price and entertained his friends at his employer's home, hiring a cook and a butler to give the impression that the house belonged to him. He was eventually arrested in a Manchester pub.
In Melbourne, Australia a drunk driver was arrested while he was at the drive thru area of Mcdonalds restaurant. Police arrested him after he was noticed giving his order to a rubbish bin at the side of the order booth.
In Missouri, USA a masked armed robber held up an all night store and then ran out with a stash of money. He returned a few minutes later after he couldn't start his car. Amazingly, the shop assistants who were still in shock gave the robber a jump start and he got away.
In Turin, Italy a 59 year old prisoner escaped from prison but gave himself up to police after just nine days because he was hungry. During his escape, the prisoner had forgotten his false teeth and had been trying to live on soup.
In Cambodia Pheach Phen, aged 20 was arrested after killing several people and drinking their blood. Phen, who is HIV positive, was told by a traditional healer that if he drank blood it would halt the onset of AIDS.
In Huntsville, Texas, USA a 39 year old prisoner managed to escape from prison after he used a green felt tip pen to colour his white prison uniform to make it look like he was a prison hospital employee. The same guy had previously escaped from prison after he phoned the district attorney's office claiming to be a judge and ordering the clerk not only to let him go but also to lower his bail conditions.
In Finland police have introduced a novel way of catching runaway motorists. They harpoon them! Specially reinforced police cars carry the four foot harpoon spears which shoots out the steel barbs which then pierces the rear end of the car in front, locking both cars together. A tear gas nozzle is then fitted to the harpoon spear which then incapacitates the occupants of the car. A police spokeman said, "If it works for whales why not for cars?"
In London, England a man appeared before the Old Bailey so totally drunk that his case had to be adjourned. He had drunk a bottle and a half of vodka which made him collapse on the floor just as his case was being called. When the man later tried to address the court he said, "Your honour, I would just like to say....." Then collapsed on the floor in a heap.
In Ontario, Canada Mr. Jose Martins was convicted of counterfeiting US and Canadian dollars. He was caught because he failed to keep up payments on the photocopying machine that he was using for the forgeries and after the colour photocopier was repossessed the suppliers found samples of his work hidden inside the machine.
In Los Angeles, California, USA Mr. Bruce Lyons, a former bus driver, was charged with robbing 21 businesses each time forcing the female employees to give him their knickers!
In Barcelona, Spain a 76 year old woman was arrested after 'babysitting' her 42 year old son on a series of armed robberies. In one raid on a sandwich shop she waited outside while her son, a heroine addict, held the staff up. The woman claimed that she was tagging along so that her son wouldn't do anything bad!
In California, USA a police officer was found guilty of harrassing his mother-in-law while he was on duty. Officer Ed Burt, aged 31, fined his in-law 43 times in three months. He was suspended from the force.
In Tennessee, USA Anthony Rosser and Stanley Stanback broke into a house and stole as much as they could including two tickets to the following weekend basketball game. The owners of the house, Mr and Mrs Williams, decided to stake out the basketball game and sure enough the two thieves turned up and sat in the stolen seats.
One of the men was actually wearing a white leather jacket stolen from the house the previous week. Both men were arrested and charged with aggravated burglary.
In the Phillipines father Guiseppe Pierantoni who was being held hostage in the jungle was nearly set free when the ransom of $50,000 was agreed with his kidnappers. Everything was going well until the professional courier failed to turn up with the money. It is thought that the courier ran off with the money.
In Fairbanks, Alaska, USA Mrs Gail Bergman, aged 41 was charged with second degree assault after she allegedly stabbed her boyfriend with two kitchen knives. Bergman stated that her lover had turned up that night with his rear end already speared. She stated, "I have been asking him for nearly three weeks where those kitchen knives have been!"
In Sheridan, Wyoming, USA Mr. Brian Lubanski, a local radio DJ, was arrested and charged with stealing 90 copies of the Billings Gazette so that he could vote for himself in the paper's favourite radio personality contest.
In Sao Jose, Brazil an armed gang stormed the prison but rather than freeing any of the prisoners the bandits instead tied up the guards and stole $2000 dollars of cash belonging to the inmates before making their escape.
In Nairobi, Kenya, Africa armed robbers who robbed a bank and got away with $130,000 in cash sang hymns and invited the bank workers to enjoy a party and toast the success of the raid
In Cairo, Egypt Mr Mahmoud Mohammed Ali, aged 25 and a merchant, was arrested after it was found he was dying green olives with shoe polish and selling them on as the more expensive black olives. Police found 15 tons of the treated olives together with a huge stockpile of black boot polish.
Mr Mohamed was charged with criminal deception and endangering public health.
In London, England, UK nine women have reported a man who tried to bite their fingernails. The man approaches his victim, asks for directions, enquires about their favourite type of handcream and then makes a wild attempt at eating their fingernails.
In Whitchurch, Shropshire, England in March 1997 Godfrey Jarrett got so upset at his wife Julia spending most of her time at the local golf course that he attempted to murder her.
He borrowed his friend's 12 bore shotgun and hid behind bushes at the 17th fairway where his wife was playing in a women's tournament. Just as his wife was teeing off he shot her from behind, hitting her back and head. He then reloaded and shot her again just to make sure. Although Mrs Jarrett was severley injured by the shooting she made a full recovery. Godfrey was jailed for eight years.
In Bexhill, East Sussex, England auxillary nurse Chris Kelly went mad when his 23 year old girlfriend, Heidi Brown, complained that the house that they shared was untidy. Kelly poured petrol over Heidi and then set her on fire with his cigarette lighter. He was jailed for 12 years.
In Allesandria, Italy 71 year old Paolo Fasano murdered his wife 74 year old Piera Fasano after she refused to turn the volume down on the television. Paolo picked up the iron off the ironing board and smashed it into his wife's head knocking her unconscious. He then finished her off by strangling her with his tie. After killing her he calmly sat down in front of the television, turned the volume down and carried on watching his programme.
In Indianapolis, USA Mr John Hubbard and an accomplice were arrested after they were found planting explosives outside the office of lawyer Frank Newkirk. Hubbard and Newkirk had been rivals since childhood days in the boy scouts. The dynamite incident was only the most recent expression of Hubbard's envy at Newkirks success.
In New Jersey, USA 20 year old Michelle Danser was charged with eight burglaries at least four with the aid of her three year old son. Police later found out that she hoisted her son through an open window telling him to open the door.
In the USA, during the summer of 1994 30 year old Frederick Treesh and his accomplices terrorised people in the Great Lakes area. When in court he complained about being harshly treated saying in his defence, "Other than the two we killed, the two we wounded, the woman we pistol whipped and the light bulbs we stuck in peoples mouths, we didn't hurt anybody!"
In December 1998, in Mottram, Greater Manchester, England a masked armed robber walked into the Pennine Medical centre, slammed his pistol onto the receptionist's desk and demanded money. After searching in vain for any hidden cash he was put straight by the helpful receptionist who explained that his intended target Barclay's Bank had moved and the building was now a medical centre.
In Dublin, Ireland a Spanish tourist was attacked by two muggers who snatched her handbag and ran away with it. Unfortunately the criminal couple fled the crime scene not realising that they had left their 9 month old daughter behind in the pram. Later a woman turned up at the police station to claim the baby and was immediately arrested.
In Bekasi, Indonesia police have come up with a novel way of interrogating crime suspects. Cobras!
Police Commissioner Alex Riadmojo stated, "Our wish is that the cobras can be used to intimidate suspects in crime investigations as well as to contain mass unrest."
Following tests supervised by snake charmers the police plan to introduce cobras in the war against crime.
Riadmojo also stated, "I am also optimistic that suspects will admit to their crimes sooner if they are confronted by our new 'recruits'"
In the late 1980's schoolboy criminal Jason Cooper was 'punished' for his crimes by getting sent on a series of arduous 'character building trips".
These trips included scuba diving in the Caribbean, skiing in Norway and a once in a lifetime visit to Disney World.
Amazingly the ungrateful wretch has since considered suing the Social Services for neglect saying, "Treating a young lad like me like a millionaire is no start in life!"
In Kent, England 12 to 15 year old criminals who have committed at least three imprisonable offences could find themselves guests of the Secure Training Centre also known as 'The Medway Hilton'. It has been nicknamed this because it costs taxpayers a reputed £2,500 a week per inmate which includes pool tables, a TV and video, computers, library, an all weather football pitch, a gym, air conditioning, private rooms with en-suite shower, telephones, kitchenettes and a garden. In 1998 the credibility of the VIP treatment took a setback when inmates rioted causing thousands of pounds worth of damage.
In Gloucester, England in 1998, 61 year old Brenda Orton decide to leave her husband Raymond.
In revenge Raymond withdrew the couples £100,000 life savings, put it all in the bin and threw a match on it.
In court, Mr. Orton claimed that he was on tranquilisers at the time he burnt the money and had been very confused.
"I just wanted some cash to burn." he later said.
In Fulham, London, England in 1997 advertising executive Justin Davies drugged his wife with the date rape drug Rohypnol in an attempt to persuade her not to complete divorce proceedings against him.
Davies believed that by giving her the drug it would help to patch things up between them. When his wife eventually regained consciousness her husband said, "You told me you didn't want a divorce."
Davies was sentenced to 2 years probation.
In Rhode Island, USA 35 year old robber Kenneth Bartleson made a huge mistake when he used his younger brother Eugene Allen as a lookout while breaking into an apartment.
Legally blind, 29 year old Eugene totally failed to pick out police officers and then began telling a neighbour about the crime thinking he was chatting with his brother.
Al Capone, the famous 1930's gang boss, had a business card saying he was a used furniture dealer.
In Muar, Malaysia health officials arrested a market stall owner after it was found he was boiling soiled underpants in the same pot being used to cook food in.
Apparently this practice is rife in Malaysia and it is believed to actually increase demand in the food.
The penalty for doing this is two years in jail or a £2,000 fine.
In New Mexico 17 year old Tony Charles Garley decided to hold up a petrol station when the shop assistant threatened to call the police.
Garley was so angry about this that he screamed, "Ok, I will call them myself!" and promptly phoned 911. The police arrived almost immediately and when Garley saw them he ran off and was instantly shot dead trying to escape.
In Munich, Germany Franz Nuckerstock, a professional circus dwarf, was arrested when he bit a fellow passenger's arse. Nuckerstock explained that the man's behind had squashed his face when the crowded train had rocked. He said, "It hurt my nose and made my eyes water, so I bit him hard!"
In the USA nearly half of all bank robberies take place on a Friday.
7 percent of all paper money in the United States contains traces of cocaine.
Over 26 billion dollars in ransom money has been paid out in the USA over the last twenty years.
20 billion dollars is spent annually on prostitutes in the USA.
In 1923 Scottish fraudster, Arthur Ferguson, sold three different London landmarks to gullible American tourists. He sold Big Ben for £1,000 deposit, Buckingham Palace for £2,000 and Nelson's column for £6,000.
When the series "The Untouchables" was being shown on TV American gangsters refused to watch it because they thought it showed them in an unfavourable light.
In America's deep South convicts threatened to riot when the warden said he was going to stop them watching the TV series "The Fugitive".
In Texas, USA in 1966 a 75 year old man received ten traffic tickets, drove on the wrong side of the road four times, committed four hit and run offences and caused six accidents - all in the space of twenty minutes.
The first recorded case of road rage occurred in England in 1876 when a British coachman was fined for whipping a cyclist who overtook him.
After all leave was cancelled at New Year senior brass in the South Wales police launched an inquiry when an inspector phoned in saying he was sick. The inspector was demoted to the rank of constable after video evidence was obtained placing him at a New Years Eve party at a hotel 70 miles from his home. Constabulary sleuths uncovered his signature in the hotel guestbook and spoke to neighbours who said he'd gone away with his wife to celebrate New Year!
A 25-year-old man was arrested after trying to punch out a plane window on an Airtours flight from Florida to Manchester. While lunging at the glass, passengers heard the crazed man yelling: "You'll get sucked out and die!!"
In Isleworth, England a 29-year-old was sentenced to 15 months after losing it big time on a British Airways flight to Bangkok. After gulping back a little too much whisky and valium, the man attacked two passengers and punched out part of a window. Finally, he ripped a set of headphones off a girl he'd tried (unsuccessfully) to chat up and promptly began to eat them!
A German housewife has been charged with battering her husband to death after he pissed in the kitchen sink while drunk. The 43-year-old delivered 19 blows to his head with a frying pan. Then, when the handle broke, she continued with a polling pin. The angry frauline was later reported to have told their seven-year-old son: "Daddy's had an accident with the ketchup!"
A 25-year-old man from Cumbria, England was pulled over by police for driving while banned. He tried to pretend his alsatian dog had been at the wheel. When he was signalled to stop by the cops he crashed his car into a parked car but by the time the officers approached he'd swapped seats with his dog. He was later jailed for six months.
In South Africa two teachers have been charged with murder after shooting one student dead and injuring another. The pupils had thrown stones at them after being overcharged by 20 pence for a school trip. Their teachers had reacted by blasting 13 rounds of gunfire at them.
Police in Phoenix, Arizona are hunting a 'very ugly woman' who is wanted for various bank raids in the area. A Sergeant said, "The description is insulting, but every victim has described her as very ugly. It could even be an ugly man posing as an ugly woman!"
A freelance journalist was sentenced to a year's imprisonment after going beserk on a British Airways flight to the West Indies. Reprimanded for smoking in the toilets, the short-fused woman swung a left-hook at a stewardess and punched another passenger. She then started lobbing ice cream around the cabin, threw water over herself and sprayed perfume into her shoes. If all this wasn't embarrassing enough the sweat pants that she was wearing then fell down to reveal she wasn't wearing any underwear!
A plumber ended up in court after blowing his top when he was told to switch off hardcore pornography on his laptop computer during a flight from Johannesburg to Heathrow. He was tied to his seat after trying to bite and headbutt the crew, who, in a less than eloquent outburst, he claimed were "all gay and full of Aids". It took three doctors, four crew members and two passengers to sedate him.
A shoplifter had her clothes torn from her by a store detective in Asda (supermarket owned by Walmart) after trying to steal steak and sweets. A witness noted: "The guard made a grab for her coat but it suddenly came off and she had virtually nothing on underneath. Everyone stood there quite amazed." As a final flourish the topless woman posed at the store's entrance, only to pat herself on her naked arse and shout: "That's Asda price!"
A wealthy postman was caught red-handed when bosses discovered he was supplementing his £90,000 lottery win by stealing little kid's money out of their birthday cards. He was nicked when bosses launched a sting operation and watched him pocket around £400. Prosecutors noted: "The defendant was seen tampering with mail while he was sorting it out, especially birthday cards. He took the money and kept it for himself."
A man posed as an astronaut and used false documents to wander around NASA's highest security areas. He managed to use an aircraft flight simulator, sat at a mission control console at Marshall Space Flight Centre and called up details of the Space Shuttle's propulsion system. He was arrested after requesting clearance to fly a real aircraft.
In Northport, Arizona a man robbed a convenience store not knowing that his parents were parked outside and had seen the whole thing. He made a hasty getaway but his pick-up truck later broke down. He phoned his parents for help and was surprised to be told to give himself up to the police!
In Swindon, England, in 1997 Keith Andrews, aged 51, attempted to pass himself off as The Marquis St. Leger.
He totally deceived the upper classes with talk of his royal bloodline.
He was eventually arrested after trying to secure a mortgage against his imaginary French Chateau.
When police arrived at his home to question him he was at a loss to explain why he had christmas cards addressed to 'Uncle Keith'!
In England, in 1998 Stewart Palgrave came up with an ingenious idea of putting some good use to the electronic tagging device which was fitted to his wrist. He made free phone calls with it!
The bracelet works by alerting the police if he has broken his curfew through the telephone line.
Palgrave made a total of 61 calls with the device before he was caught. He was given four months in jail for this offence alone.
In London, England Elda Beguinua who likes to be known as a 'baroness' attempted to defraud 16 trillion pounds by using fake gold ownership papers for 80,000 tons of gold in exchange for cash.
Unfortunately she was caught when someone realised that 80,000 tons is equal to three times the amount of gold that has ever been mined in the last 150 years.
She has been jailed.
In Luton, England a juror at a trial in Luton Crown Court took the law into his own hands when he shouted "Why don't you plead guilty? You are fucking guilty!"
Shane Smyth's outburst halted the trial of the crack dealer and resulted in the defendant being jailed for a further month and an expensive re-trial all at the taxpayers expense.
Later Mr Smyth stated, "The evidence was overwhelming, it was an insult to my intelligence for him to not plead guilty!" He also described the trial as "A complete waste of money!"
In Cincinnati, USA, in 1998 police introduced a "Zero Tolerance" attitude when dealing with lawbreakers. This included charging a grandmother with putting money in someone else's parking meter, the maximum penalty being a $3000 dollar fine and 90 days in jail and charging a blind man with jaywalking after he was hit by a truck although he was let off as a white stick constitutes a right of way.
In Brynithel, South Wales, UK Mr. Alun McGorian told eveyone in his village that he was being signed up as a professional footballer for Manchester United when in fact he was lying.
He managed to borrow £7,000 from his girlfriend's father to buy a jeep, offering to pay back the money when he got his first week's wages from Manchester United.
He was eventually prosecuted for fraud after it was found out that he had only ever played for a Welsh Sunday League team.
In Bristol, England Lee Hoskin and his girlfriend stole a Vauxhall Astra car and after rifling the contents found a camera.
His girlfriend took several pictures of him going through the vehicle and he even took one of her before they dumped the car.
Unfortunately they were so brainless that they forget to take the camera with them and when the owner of the car had the pictures developed he took them to the police who recognised Hoskin instantly.
It was possibly the easiest arrest ever made.
Police later stated, "It is amazing how stupid some criminals can be!"
In Pinellas, Petersburg, USA Herman Hill decided to rob a convenience store by disguising himself using a transparent garbage bag shoved over his head down to his waist.
He was caught when police officers recognised him through the see-thru bag as he was being filmed by the store's CCTV cameras.
In the Arab Emirates, in 2000 a woman was sentenced to four months in jail because of evidence given by a demon.
The woman was accused of paying a magician to cast a spell on her husband and his sister, the sister being possessed by the demon.
A team of Islamic religious scholars then questioned the demon in the sister in law's body who confirmed to them that the woman was indeed guilty of the crime.
In San Jose, California, USA a reward of $100,000 was offered to find the a man who killed a small dog by hurling it at oncoming traffic.
The road rage incident occurred when Sara McBurnett accidentally bumped into the back of a black sports car. Suddenly the driver jumped out of his car and began to scream at her.
When she opened her window the man grabbed her Bichon Frise dog, Leon, and launched him into the middle of the highway.
McBurnett later said, "I'm not doing well. I keep seeing his little body going under the car. He made a sound I've never heard before."
In Zimbabwe, Africa the crime of infanticide is higher, on average, than any other country in the world. In 1997 in the Capital Harare alone, 24 infants were murdered.
A 27 year old woman from Mabvuku flushed her new born baby down the toilet but the tiny corpse was found blocking a sewage pipe.
In Guruve a 17 year old girl gave birth in a bush and then murdered the new born baby by tearing it's mouth off.
In Pennsylvania, USA, in 1998 Marie Noe, aged 69 was arrested after it was found she had murdered eight of her ten children over the past 19 years.
She had claimed cot death in every instance and at one point during her trial she confessed to killing her first, second, fifth and possibly her third child but had no recollections of killing the other four children.
She later stated, "Everyone of them died without a bruise!"
In Pennsylvania, USA, in 1992 Judge Charles Guyer was charged with improperly favouring a defendant after he offered the man a more lenient sentence on condition that Judge Guyer could wash the defendant's hair.
Undercover officers actually let Guyer wash their hair as well so that they could gather evidence.
In Winchester, England in 1978 Judge Ian Starforth Hill put forward a recommendation that all unemployed men on the dole who spent their money on drink should have their ears cut off.
Also in 1993 he let off the 20 year old attacker of an 8 year old girl with a £100 fine later stating, "The girl was not entirely an angel herself!"
In Malaysia a female drug smuggler who tried to board a plane was found to have 3,000 ecstasy tablets strapped to her body.
Airport Customs Officers became suspicious because the mounds of tablets hidden under her clothes gave the impression that she had a huge waist and thighs.
In Worcester, England in 1998, 24 year old Richard Roberts asked his landlady, Beverley Price, to lend him £20 for a packet of cigarettes.
When Beverley refused Roberts called her "A stingy cow!" and pushed her over.
Beverley, a skilled fighter, kicked her lodger in the groin, so Roberts, also a judo expert, grabbed the black belt from Price's judo pants, wrapped it around her neck, and throttled her.
He then withdrew £400 from her credit card and spent it all on jackpot machines.
He was later sentenced to life imprisonment.
In Tokyo, Japan 51 year old Kozo Tachikawa decided to light up a cigarette while he was travelling on the Tokyo underground when fellow passenger, 22 year old Susuma Onda, started complaining about the smoke.
All of a sudden Kozo reached into his briefcase, pulled out an icepick and embedded it into Susuma's chest causing serious injuries.
Kozo later stated that he kept the ice pick in his briefcase in case anyone annoyed him about his smoking.
In Shropshire, England, in 1999 28 year old postman James Robinson went berserk after Royal Mail investigators found sackfuls of undelivered mail near to his Shropshire home.
Instead of talking his way out of it he opened fire on the two investigators, killing one of them and severely injuring the other one.
Robinson was later sentenced to life imprisonment.
In Nashville, USA, in 1991 57 year old Thomas Hall had just finished mopping the kitchen floor when his brother walked in trampling mud all over the place.
Thomas then lost his temper, pulled out a gun and shot his brother, killing him instantly. He was later found guilty of manslaughter.
In Charlotte, North Carolina, USA cops investigating the second biggest robbery in US history, nearly 20 million dollars in total, couldn't believe their luck while investigating the crime.
Michelle Chambers, aged 28 went to a local bank and tried to deposit $300,000 dollars, saying "How much can I deposit without you reporting it?"
It was also discovered that her husband, Steve Chambers, had handed the owners of a nightclub $1000 to smooth over a row about his wife's provocative dancing. After being thrown out of the club he then told bouncers that he had enough cash to buy the place.
In Rock Island, Illinois, USA Elizabeth J Darwin, aged 30 was arrested for possession of drugs after marijuana was found to be growing in the garden outside her caravan.
She later explained that she grew the illegal plants because "It made my cat happy!"
In Westhampton Beach, New York, USA Kenneth Coombes, aged 46 was arrested and charged with the manslaughter of his wife after he claimed that he had killed her accidentally while he was flailing at insects with his fists and a broom!
In Waukesha, Wisconsin, USA Harold Schmidt was arrested and charged with burglary after the owner of the house he had broken into discovered that a long distance telephone call had been made on her phone on the night of the crime.
Police easily traced the call, which had been made to Schmidt's mother, who admitted that she had had a long chat with her son on that night!
In Los Angeles, California, USA Ray Boeger, aged 77 hobbled into his local bank wearing a comedy moustache and beard, pulled out a gun and demanded $2,500 in cash.
Police finally caught the pensioner outlaw holed up in his house a couple of hours later and when he was arrested he claimed that he only did the robbery because he had been drunk on English beer!
A middle-aged shoplifter from Germany has admitted that she only committed her crimes because she got a sexual thrill from getting caught. The uncommon 41-year-old identified only as Baerbel B explained that petty theft made her so damp, she'd steal anything - even dog food - to get fingered by store security. "I have an orgasm whenever a detective discovers me stealing and grabs my shoulder from behind," the hot-flusher told a judge, who ignored her plea for leniency and sent her down for 14 months.
In Pittsburgh, USA police have charged a man with impersonating a bus driver. Public transport 'fan' Ronald Johnson has apparently admitted to taking out three buses, driving them around and picking up and setting down passengers along the way. According to a Pittsburgh Port Authority spokesperson the 21-year-old had his own uniform, 'some' driving skills and really loves buses!
In the Philippines a priest-eating cannibal has been released from prison after promising that his clerical appetite was sated. Norberto Manero was jailed for consuming an Italian holy man 12 years ago but has since converted to Islam. "It's true that I ate one priest, but that was a long time ago. Now I only eat cabbage and lentils!"
A favourite trick of prostitutes in Thailand is to soak their nipples in tranquiliser. Punters who suck the soaked nipples then pass out - before being robbed!
During the execution of 39-year-old Pedro Medina in Florida witnesses reported six-inch flames leaping from the condemned man's hood as he frazzled in the chair. He caught fire as 2000 volts surged through him and one of the warders had to open a window of the death chamber to let the smoke coming from his hood escape. Florida Attorney General Bob Butterworth was not overly concerned by this incident and said: "People who wish to commit murder had better not do it in Florida as it appears we may have a problem with our electric chair!"
During the 1930's an alarming trend of faking car crashes or 'ambulance chasing' occurred. One group of brickmasons survived the Depression by creating realistic injuries to make their claims seem genuine. It was reported that they would scald their bodies with hot towels until the skin was tender, then scrape bricks across the sensitized part, causing a convincing abrasion. Other favourites included creating bruises by beating each other with sacks of potatoes and putting chicken blood in their ears to simulate concussion.
Anti-fraud agents finally caught Robert 'Mint Jelly' Ridge in 1979. Ridge had made a living making claims against restaurants after slipping on the contents of Mint Jelly packages. He would be found on the floor of restaurant bathrooms with deep cuts over both eyes and gashes on his arms claiming the jelly had been left there by careless staff. He would then demand an immediate out-of-court settlement and quickly leave town.
A fire chief fighting a bushfire near Linyl, China has been arrested after he ordered 18 of his neighbours' houses to be demolished in order to provide a firebreak to save his own house.
In Muzaffarnagar, India a crime school that has been opened up by an ex-policeman is proving to be enormously popular. The bizarre school takes teenage students through a comprehensive curriculum including lessons on kidnapping, assault and executions. It's not just theory, however. Each subject is applied in real life, so that, for example, students are taken on excursions to a roadside where they hide and throw metallic objects at passing cars. The intrigued drivers stop their cars and are then jumped on.
In London, England, in 2001 Mr. Mabrouk Melliti, aged 36 managed to con over 40 women into sleeping with him after he claimed that he was a movie producer and would be making a film "Bigger than Notting Hill!"
He would go into nightclubs and find young girls and offer them a "Leading role" if they did something wild.
Melliti would usually only simulate lovemaking but on one occasion he raped a 22 year old Norwegian ballerina, at the same time shouting, "Scene one, scene two, scene one, scene two!" over and over again!
He was later arrested and sentenced to nine years in prison.
In London, England, in 2000 Mr. Richard Lorrison, aged 30, a Cambridge University law graduate, bombarded restaurants with dry cleaning bills as a way of clearing his debts.
Lorrison sent out hundreds of letters using a false name claiming that clumsy waiters had spilt wine on one of his expensive suits and eventually managed to pocket £1,300 from the innocent establishments who didn't want to risk the adverse publicity.
In Coventry, England, in 2000 Mr. Paul Redhead, aged 29 and Mr. Paul Callister, aged 24 both decided to make a little money from a charitable organisation.
Redhead posed as a cripple and Callister posed as his carer and they both made it known that money which was being saved for a new wheelchair had been stolen.
A couple of banks and the Pentecostal Church decided to help them and funds were set up to purchase a new wheelchair.
Eventually a total of £370 was paid into the fund before the two men staged a "miracle" during a church service, Redhead springing from his wheelchair screaming that God had cured him.
The congregation grew suspicious and eventually both men accidentally told a reporter what had happened and they were caught.
Callister was jailed for 21 months and Redhead for 15 months.
In Nottingham, England, in 1999 a 20 year old robber shocked shoppers when he stole a 6 foot remote control polar bear that was being used for the christmas display.
The man walked along with his new friend and out of the shopping centre, unaware that the security guards were following the trail of artificial snow that was falling of the bear.
Police were later called to a nearby flat where the bear was found in the front garden having been thrown out of the man's window.
In Sheffield, England Mrs. Daisy Hales, aged 40, was arrested and charged with stealing exercise books from a local stationer because of her paper eating addiction.
Daisy was spared a prison sentence when her strange addiction was explained to the court, although the judge did recommend counselling sessions instead.
Daisy actually suffers from a rare "Pica disorder" and was given 60 hours community service and 1 years probation.
Unfortunately for Daisy they were unable to keep her out of the papers!
In New York, USA computer hackers managed to infiltrate the computerised switchboard of the New York Police Department and replaced the outgoing message with one of their own.
The new message read, "We're too busy eating doughnuts, drinking coffee and masturbating to take your call right now."
(Morticom says, "Hmmmm, or was that the message that was replaced?")
In Erie, Pennsylvania, USA, Mr. Daniel Mundaniohl, aged 31 was arrested after posing as a 13 year old mentally disabled girl. He fooled a waitress to take him home for the night after he said that he/she was lost, but the waitress became suspicious when he attempted to get into bed with her, claiming that he was scared.
He was caught after the waitress found an adult's driving licence in his carrier bag.
In Washington, USA housemates Barry Oliver and James Rapp were arrested after the American Secret Service traced a threatening phone call to President Bill Clinton.
When the agents searched the house they found over 200 marijuana plants growing in the rooms.
In Michigan, USA in 1966 Mr. Alfred Martin went on the run after he was caught selling ten dollars worth of marijuana and was given ten years in prison.
He was extradited back to Michigan 25 years later and made to do the full sentence.
In Ipswich, England in June 2000 members of the jury at a drugs trial held at Ipswich Crown Court had to be evacuated from the building after the evidence bags of cannabis resin gave off narcotic fumes making all of the good men and women totally stoned.
In Airdie, Scotland Mr. Paul McCormack was brought into the court on charges of "indecent exposure and carrying out a sex act upon himself" outside of his neighbour's home.
Unfortunately for the court McCormack gave off such a vile stench that the Sheriff ordered the court to be evacuated and fumigated for 20 minutes.
Although the case was dealt with very quickly the stink remained and it was so bad that the courtroom's seats had to be treated with fabric deodoriser.
An observer later stated, "You could almost see the smell!"
In California, USA two farmers were arrested and jailed for shining their torches at a police helicopter.
Wayne Francis Rowley later said, "My cow's were acting up and when I went out to see what all the fuss was about I hit the chopper with my light. Pretty soon my neighbour on the other side did the same thing."
Both men were charged with interfering with the operation of an aircraft.
In Burton, England a thief was on the loose who always left an unusual trademark. Ketchup! The unkown raider would break into peoples houses, steal only little trinkets instead of videos and hi-fi's and then cover the house and furniture with ketchup.
A police psychiatrist stated, "It could be something from the burglar's childhood!"
In Bristol, England Mr. William Potter was caught on a speed camera and was so enraged that he drove a total of twenty miles to fetch his tow rope, attached one end to his RangeRover car and the other end to the speed camera and then yanked it from the ground.
Potter later admitted to police, "This was a very stupid thing to do!"
In Germany, Mr. Fritz Leiberger decided to hold up a bank with a gun with the sole intention of using the money purely for sex.
However, when he arrived at the brothel he was thrown out by the bouncers on the grounds that he was "Too fat, ugly, smelly and drunk!"
He was arrested shortly after this when a cab driver noticed that he was carrying a bag full of money.
In Fasano, Italy a burglar decided to break into the local covent and rob the nuns of all their holy trinkets. Unfortunately the nuns spotted him and began beating him with a broom handle about his head and body.
When he was arrested he was found to be suffering from a concussion and a broken leg!
In West Virginia, USA a juror in a drugs case decided that it would be a good idea to sit down with the three defendants and share a joint with them and discuss the outcome of the case.
However the juror still found the three drugs dealers guilty and was later brought before the court himself and pleaded guilty of contempt of court.
In London, England 55 year old Mary Montague decided to put on a grey wig and pretended to be a rich American recluse whom she had read about in the local paper.
She was so convincing that she booked into an expensive 5 star hotel, drove to the bank in the hotel's chauffeur driven limousine and managed to convince the bank staff to give her £300,000 in cash from the victim's bank account and about $150,000 worth of jewellery!
In London, England in 1784 Count Cagliostro went about claiming that he was 1,800 years old and boasting that for centuries he had been drinking a secret wine of Egypt which made him immortal.
He eventually began selling his bottles of 'magic wine' and made a fortune from the stuff before retiring to Cairo at the age of 41.
It was later found that he had conned half of London's high society into drinking bottles of of his own urine and paying for the privelege!
In Italy, in 1999 Mr. Angelo Franco was charged with child abuse after he forced his 17 year old son to mow the grass with his teeth as punishment for not doing his house chores. Neighbours alerted the police after seeing the boy chomping away in the garden.
The town of Scunthorpe in England was named after a squinting Danish pirate.
If you are kidnapped in the USA any ransom that is paid out for your release is tax deductable.
Jack the Ripper was left handed.
In the USA in the last 20 years there have been 120 mass 'serial' killers yet there have only been 40 serial killers in the rest of the world.
During the 18th century more than 65% of all the tea drunk in Great Britain had been smuggled into the country to avoid import taxes.
In Japan in 1974 a man murdered a mother and her two daughters because they would not stop playing a piano in a nearby apartment.
He was hanged for this crime.
In England the governess to the Mitford family used to take the children out on shoplifting sprees.
The famous Scottish bodysnatchers Burke and Hare once murdered a beautiful woman named Mary Peterson and then sold her body for dissection.
The doctor who bought the body was so enchanted by the beautiful corpse that he kept it perfectly preserved in a barrel of whiskey for three years!
US criminal John Dillinger robbed more banks in a single year than Jesse James did in 16 years.