Morticom hilarious and obscene vagina jokes

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(42 gags)

What's the definition of a tongue-twister?
A spiral pussy!

What's the definition of a woman?
Life support for a vagina!

What does a blonde and a tampon have in common?
They are both stuck up cunts!

Why do blondes wear tampons?
Because crabs like bungee jumping too!

What do you call the space between the vagina and the arsehole?
The chinrest!

What do you call the useless flesh that surrounds a vagina?
The woman!

What's the difference between eating pussy and driving in a snowstorm?
When you eat pussy, you can always see the arsehole in front of you!

What do you get if you stuff your hand up a gypsy's cunt when she is on her period?
Your palm Red!

What is the irritating part around a blonde's cunt?
The other guys waiting their turn!

How do you know if you have an overbite?
If your eating pussy and it tastes like shit!

Why is a woman's pussy like a warm toilet seat?
They both feel good, but you wonder who has been there before you!

Who designed the female genitals?
The local council. Who else would put a playground right next to a sewer!

What's the smallest hotel known to man?
A cunt. Because you leave your bags outside!

Why do women find it hard to piss first thing in the morning?
Have you ever tried opening a toasted cheese sandwich!

Little Harry walked into the bathroom and saw his mum with no clothes on standing in front of him. He looked up at her private parts and said, "What's that mum?"
His mum froze and tried to think of something to say. Finally she said, "That's where your dad hit me with an axe!"
"Good shot!" replied little Harry, "Right in the cunt!"

Why do women have cunts?
So that men will speak to them!

What's worse than a dead dog on your piano?
An infected pussy on your organ!

Little Johnny was only six years old when he tried to feel his sister's friend's pussy. She slapped him and said not to do that because her pussy had teeth and it would bite!
Years passed and little Johnny grew into a man. He was sitting in his car with his girlfriend, rubbing her thighs and squeezing her tits, when she said, "Are you ever going to feel my pussy Johnny?"
"I can't!" replied Johnny, "All pussy's have teeth!"
"What do you mean? My pussy doesn't have teeth!" his girlfriend replied, "Look I will show you!"
Johnny's girlfriend opened her legs wide for him to see and she opened up her pussy hole as far as it would stretch.
"Your right!" said Johnny, "But I'm not surprised you have no teeth, with gums like that!"

A guy visited his friend's house and saw a rubber object on the lounge, so he asked his mate what it was.
"It's an artificial pussy," his mate replied, "And it's the best fuck I have ever had!"
"Bullshit!" cackled the other guy, "A fake pussy your best screw? You gotta be joking!"
"Don't believe me? Why don't you take it home and give it a try then?" said his friend.
The guy took the fake pussy home, tried it out, and found out it was true. It was the best screw of his entire life.
Later that day, the guy's wife walked into the kitchen and saw the rubber object on the table.
"What's that?" she asked.
"It's an artificial pussy and it's the best fuck I have ever had in my life!" replied the husband
"If it's so good," asked the wife, "What is it doing in the kitchen?"
"Well," said the guy, "As soon as I teach it to cook I am going to get rid of you!"

A woman was drying herself off in the shower when she suddenly slipped over and landed spread-eagled on the bathroom floor. She tried to stand up again but then she realised that she had landed so hard that her pussy had stuck to the floor, creating such a vacuum that she couldn't move.
She called out to her husband for help, and he rushed in and tried with all his strength to lift her up, but she just wouldn't budge.
So he went next door and got the neighbour. Both of them started pulling her arms with all their strength, but she just wouldn't budge, she was well and truly stuck fast!
Suddenly the neighbour said, "Why don't we just get a hammer and break the tiles around her pussy?"
"Great idea pal," said the husband, "but just let me rub her tits a little so that I can then push her over to the kitchen, the tiles are a lot cheaper in there!"

What's the difference between a clit and a mobile phone?
Nothing, every cunt's got one!

What's the difference between a pussy and a cunt? A pussy is sweet, juicy, succulent, warm, fun and a useful thing.
The cunt is the thing that owns it!

What tastes good on pie but not on pussy?

Around lunchtime Sheryl left school and headed for home, crying because her first period had started and she had no idea what it was. The girl's teacher was reluctant to get involved, so she suggested Sheryl should have a word with her mother. Suddenly she ran into little Johnny.
"Why are you crying?" asked Johnny.
"I'm crying because I am bleeding." replied Sheryl.
"Let me have a look." said little Johnny.
She lifted her skirt and showed him.
"Fucking hell!" laughed Johnny, "No wonder your bleeding, some bastard has cut your cock off!"

What's the difference between menstrual blood and sand?
You can't gargle sand!

Have you heard about the New Wave band called 'Toxic Shock Syndrome?'
Their new hit is called 'Ragtime!'

On the eve of her wedding, the bride to be confessed to a friend that she was not a virgin.
"No problem," said the friend, "go out and buy a nice pice of liver and put it up inside you before the time comes. You'll feel nice and tight, and he will never know the difference."
So the bride went ahead with the plan, and on the wedding night the couple went crazy. They fucked on the floor, on the kitchen table, in the bathroom and in the bed.
So the bride was truly astonished when the next morning she found her husband gone. The only trace of him was a note on the bedside table that said, "I love you very much, but I have realized we can't go on like this and can never have a life together. Farewell. P.S. Your vagina is in the sink.

Why do tampons have strings?
So that you can floss after you eat!

What's the difference between parsley and pussy?
Nobody eats parsley!

"There's a new feminine hygiene spray out at the market," confided Sandra to Denise at Denise's tupperware party. "Its's called SSY."
"Oh yeah?" replied Denise, "Why is it called that?"
"That's what you get when you take the PU out of PUSSY!"

Do you know why women have cunts?
So that men will talk to them!

A guy and a girl are making out in his car when the girl says, "Put your finger inside of me!"
He is only too willing to oblige.
"Put another finger inside of me!"
So he does.
"Put your whole hand inside of me!" she says, moaning in pleasure.
"Now put both hands inside of me!" she screams.
"Now clap!" she gasps.
"I can't clap!" replied the guy.
"Tight, aren't I?" she smiles.

Why do women have two holes.
So that when they are drunk, you can carry them like a six pack!

There was a promiscuous young couple making love in the back seat of their car. Temperatures were rising and things were getting intense, and finally the girl gasped, "Oh darling, darling, kiss me where it smells!"
So he drove her Ireland!

Did you hear about the blind gynecologist?
He could read lips!

Why is pubic hair curly?
You would poke your eye out if it were straight!

Why don't they let women swim in the ocean anymore?
They can't get the smell out of the fish!

A doctor was performing a routine gynecological examination when he suddenly found a tea bag half way inside the vagina. When he asked the patient about it,. she looked up in horror and said, "Oh my God! What could I have put in the hot water?"

What's the difference between a bowling ball and a pussy?
You can only fit three fingers inside a bowling ball!

One day man in Liverpool was reading the Liverpool Echo when he saw a job vacancy for a 'Fanny shaver'. He rang the number in the newspaper and was asked some preliminary questions.
"Tell me," said the interviewer, "Do you mind shaving the pussy's of famous super models and actresses?"
"No way," replied the man, "It would be an honour!"
"Alright," said the interviewer, "Do you mind travelling all over Europe to places like Milan, Monaco and Rome?"
"No that would not be a problem!" replied the man, "I love to travel!"
"Excellent," said the interviewer, "Do you have a problem getting close to some of the most beautiful women in the world?"
"I would be fine," replied the man.
"Excellent!" said the interviewer, "Now would you be flustered or act ungentlemanly while you were shaving around their genital areas?"
"No I would not be!" replied the man, "I would be both discreet and charming!"
"Excellent!" said the interviewer, "You seem to be the ideal candidate for the job! I will send you a train ticket to Manchester."
"Great," replied the man, "Is that where my first job is, like?"
"Oh, no," replied the interviewer, "That's where the queue for the interview starts!"

One day three tampons were walking down the street. A Midi, a Maxi and a Mini. Which one of the tampons speaks to you first?
None of them because they are all stuck up cunts!

One day a woman went in hospital to have a baby and decided there and then that she would also have cosmetic surgery to her vagina to make it look more youthful, seeing as her gammon was dangling a bit low and looked a bit like a ripped out fireplace.
She decided that she needed a little tuck here and a nip there so it would stop looking like a badly packed kebab.
After having her baby, she was immediately taken into the operating room for her horses collar to be worked on.
After coming out of the anaesthetic she saw three roses in a vase at the base of her bed.
"Who sent me the roses?" the woman asked the nurse.
"Well," replied the nurse, "The first rose is from the surgeon, just to say thanks for making the operation go so well."
"Ohhh, that's nice," said the woman, "Who sent the other two then?"
"Well," replied the nurse, "The second rose is from your husband, seeing as you have been so brave."
"Ohhhhh, he's so sweet."said the woman, "But who sent the third rose?"
"Well," replied the nurse, "Thats from Eric in the burns unit. He just wanted to say thanks for the ears!"

One day a female gynecologist decided that she wanted to become a car mechanic so she went to college for two years, studying hard and carefully preparing for her final exam.
Anyway all seemed to go well at the exam and a couple of weeks later she had her results back. She was absolutely amazed when the letter said that she had scored 150%. Thinking there must be an error she went back to the college and met her instructor.
"I think there must be a mistake on this exam result," she asked, "I have 150%, how come?"
"Well," replied the instructor, "during the examination you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50%. Then you put the engine back together effortlessly which was worth another 50%"
"But what about the other 50% I was given?" asked the gynecologist.
The instructor answered, "You were given the extra 50% because you managed to to do it all through the exhaust pipe!"