Morticom hilarious and obscene sexual jokes

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SEX MISC

(45 gags)

1)
What did the banana say to the vibrator?
What are you shaking for, it's me she's going to eat!

2)
This guy was on a hot date, and after well and truly fucking this sweet thing, she turned to the guy and said, "Wasn't it a bit presumptuous to think I would let you fuck me on the first date?"
The guy replied, "Presumptuous? That's a big word for a 10 year old!"

3)
What's the hardest thing about a sex change from a man into a women?
Inserting the anchovies!

4)
What is better than a bolt on the wall?
A screw on the floor!

5)
What do tofu and a dildo have in common?
They are both meat substitutes!

6)
What is better than honour?
In 'er!

7)
What does a bungee rope and a condom have in common?
If the elastic snaps then your fucked!

8)
Did you hear about the restaurant that promotes safe sex?
They write the bill on the condom. In that way you can wine and dine your date, and stick her with the bill!

9)
What has a frying pan on the wall have in common with a pair of women's knickers?
You have to pull them both down to put the fat in!

10)
What does eating pussy and the Mafia have in common?
Just one slip of the tongue and your in deep shit!

11)
Why is sex like a game of bridge?
If you don't have a good partner then you had better have a good hand!

12)
A woman went to her lawyer to discuss divorcing her husband.
"Don't you love him anymore?" asked the lawyer.
"Oh, I still love him," the woman replied, "But all he ever wants is sex, I can't take it!"
"Instead of divorcing him," said the lawyer, "why don't you try charging him money every time he wants to make love?"
The exhausted wife decided to give the plan a try.
As soon as she walked into the door her husband put the word on her.
"Not so fast," she said, "From now on sex will be $10 in the kitchen, $20 in the living room and $50 in the bedroom!"
"Well then," her husband replied, "Here's $50!"
The wife began walking towards the bedroom.
"Hold on," the husband said, "That will be five times in the kitchen!"

13)
The newly weds were terribly shy when it came to sex, so instead of simply saying, "Lets fuck" they would say, "Washing machine"
One night the guy put his arms around his wife and asked, "Washing machine?"
"Not tonight honey." she replied, "I'm tired."
He rolled away from her, but in a couple of minutes he began stroking her thighs and once again said, "Washing machine?"
"Darling," she replied, "I'm really tired! Besides that I have a headache."
Sighing deeply, the guy moved back to his own side of the bed and was silent.
His wife began thinking of the conjugal obligation to keep him happy, and soon she turned to him and whispered, "Washing machine."
"That's OK," he replied with a yawn, "It was a small load so I did it by hand!"

14)
What do you call a period?
A waste of fucking time!

15)
What's the worst thing about growing unemployment?
It gets harder to fuck your girlfriend when her husband is at home!

16)
What's better than eating a Mandarin?
Eating Amanda out!

17)
Sex is a real problem in the new Millennium.
If you sleep with a woman you get Herpes.
If you sleep with a man you get AIDS.
If you sleep alone you get R.S.I.

18)
A travelling salesman took a cute young girl to a motel room in the early afternoon. As he was pumping away, she gasped, "There's a man in the room with us!"
"To hell with the hotel porter!" he grunted.
"It's not the hotel porter," she screamed, "It's the truant officer!"

19)
A big city woman married herself a redneck southerner and brought him to the big city. When they first arrived she got them a hotel room, and as they were laying in bed she looked over at the corner and saw a used discarded condom.
"Yuck!" she proclaimed as she pointed it out to her new husband.
He craned his neck to see what it was and then looked at her and said, "What is it? Why it's a disgusting used sheepskin condom!"
"Don't they use them down the south?" she answered.
"Yeah," he replied, "But we don't skin them first!"

20)
What does a camera and a condom have in common?
They both capture that magic moment!

21)
What did the egg say to boiling water?
"It might take awhile for me to get hard because I just got laid last night!"

22)
What's the most important question to ask when you want to have safe sex?
What time will your husband be home?

23)
Why do they say that eating yoghurt and oysters will improve you sex life?
Because if you eat that stuff then you will eat anything!

24)
What's the difference between a spit and a swallow?
About forty pounds of pressure on the back of her head!

25)
What's the difference between Love, True Love and Showing Off?
Spit, swallow and gargle!

26)
What's rodeo sex?
It's when you fuck her doggie style, with a tit in each hand, and whisper in her ear, "Your sister likes it this way as well!"

27)
What's the definition of a nymphomaniac?
A girl who trips a guy up and is under him before he hits the ground!

28)
One day a married couple decide to go on holiday to Amsterdam. When they arrive the husband goes to the pub while the wife decides to do a bit of shopping. She finds a shop with blacked out windows and being a bit naive she goes in, only to find that it is a sex shop. She browses for awhile and decides that she will spice up her love life a little and eventually buys a pair of crotchless knickers.
Later the wife returns to the hotel room to find her husband sleepin on the bed, drunk. She sneaks into the bathroom and slips into her new crotchless knickers and after awhile comes out to wake her husband from his slumber.
When he finally wakes up she stands, with one leg on the bed, and says, "Would you like to play with my fanny?"
"Are you fucking joking?" replied the husband, "Look what it's done to your knickers!"

29)
One day a man walked into a bar, ordered five whiskeys and sat at the corner of the bar, looking very depressed.
After awhile the barman goes over and asks him if anything is wrong.
"Well," explained the man, "I got home tonight from work and found my wife screwing my best friend!"
"Whoa!" replied the barman, "That's bad news. What did you do about it?"
"I told my wife that it was over between us and to get the hell out of the house!" replied the man.
"But what about your best friend?" asked the barman.
"Well," replied the man, "I walked over to him, looked him in the eye and said 'BAD DOG!'"

30)
While in bed with her lover, a woman hears her husband come through the front door. "Hurry," she said to her lover, "stand in the corner!" She quickly covers him in baby oil and then completely dusts him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you," she said, "pretend that you are a statue!"
Her husband then enters the room, imediately noticing the statue. "What's this honey?" he said.
"Oh it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly, "The Smiths next door bought one for their bedroom and I liked it so much, I thought I would get one for us too!"
No more was said about the statue and the couple went to sleep. A few hours later at 2am the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
"Here," he said to the statue, "You had better eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smith's house for three days and no one offered me as much a glass of water!"

31)
How can you tell the porno star at a petrol station?
Just as the petrol starts to go up the hose, he quickly pulls out the nozzle and sprays it all over the car!

32)
A man walked into the chemist shop one day and asked for a bottle of viagra. The pharmacist eyed him suspiciously and said, "Do you have a prescription for that?"
"No," said the man, "but will this picture of my wife do?"

33)
Joe was visiting his friend's rubber factory one day. They both entered the first room when suddenly there was a loud 'Bang!Hish!Bang!Hish!' sound.
"What are you making here?" Joe asked his friend.
"Those are teats for baby bottles," his friend said, "The bang makes the teat and the hish puts the hole in the end!"
In the next room they went in it was filled with a different sound. 'Bang!Bang!Bang!Bang!Hish!Bang!Bang!'
"This is where we make condoms!" said Joes friend.
"So why do the machines go 'Hish!' now and again?" asked Joe.
"Well," said his friend, "We have to make sure there are enough babies for our teats!"

34)
After spending all day ploughing his fields, a farmer managed to get home early only to find that his wife was in bed with another man. Furious the farmer grabbed his 12 bore shotgun and burst into the bedroom. His wife screamed and ran out of the house leaving the terrified young farmhand shaking on the floor.
The farmer pointed the gun at the young man's testicles and said, "Boy, I am going to blow your fucking balls off!"
"Please," cried the young buck, "Give me a chance!"
"Ok," replied he farmer, "Swing em!"

35)
One night, Trevor was out having a drink when he met an attractive young lady standing at the bar. To his surprise she asked him if he would like to accompany her home. They both jumped into a cab and as soon as they got to her flat they both stripped and jumped into bed. Trevor fucks her three times and finally spent he lays back to get his breath.
"You wouldn't happen to have a cigarette would you sweetheart?" Trevor asked the woman.
"Of course," replied the woman, "they are in the top drawer of the bedside cabinet."
Trevor opened the drawer, found the cigarettes and noticed a picture of a man underneath them.
"Is this your husband?" Trevor asked nervously.
"No, silly!" replied the woman.
"Is it your boyfriend then?" Trevor asked.
"No Trevor, don't be stupid." she giggled.
"Well who is it then?" Trevor asked smiling uneasily.
Calmly the woman takes a match, strikes it against her her face and says, "That's me before the operation!"

36)
What's the difference between purple and pink?
The grip.

37)
What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A guy will spend an hour searching for a golf ball.

38)
One day a woman visited a sex shop and said to the shop assistant, "I'm looking for a coloured vibrator."
"Take your pick," replied the shop assistant, "the coloured ones are on that wall there."
"I would like that big red one there." the woman told him.
"Sorry you can't have that one," replied the shop assistant, "that's a fire extinguisher!"

39)
One day two condoms were walking past a gay bar.
One said to the other "Let's go in there and get shit faced!"

40)
Whats the difference between a nymphomaniac and a lover?
A lover stops to eat!

41)
How can you tell if you have a high sperm count?
Your girlfriend has to chew.

42)
One day a man and a woman met in a bar and after a few drinks they began talking to each other. After awhile the man said, "My wife left me because I was just too kinky in bed!"
"Really?" replied the woman, "That's a coincidence, my husband left me because I was too kinky too!"
Discovering that they had so much in common, the woman invited the man back to her house for kinky sex.
When they arrived the woman said, "Make yourself at home, I am just going to slip into something a little more comfortable."
After awhile the woman appeared from the bedroom dressed in a tight leather body suit, holding a pair of handcuffs and a whip, wearing a strap on cock and a 12 inch studded vibrator wedged between her tits.
She then ran into the kitchen, grabbed a pan of baked beans and a jar of mayonnaise.
When she got back to the living room she saw the man putting on his coat and leaving.
"Hey!" shouted the woman, "Where are you going? I thought you wanted to be kinky?!"
Smiling, the man turned around and said, "I'm all finished. I just fucked your dog up the arse and took a shit in your handbag!"

43)
What's the best thing about getting a blow job?
You get ten minutes of peace and quiet!

44)
What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
Oral sex makes your day but anal sex makes your hole weak!

45)
For ages a man had a crush on his beautiful next door neighbour but he never had the confidence to ask her out on a date.
One day, however, the man comes home from work and see's the beautiful girl standing at her front door wearing only a short see through negligee and she beckons him over. She then slides her arms around his neck and kisses his neck, making the man get hotter and hotter.
"Inside the house now! I can hear someone coming!" the woman ordered. The man followed her in where she instantly took all her clothes off revealing the most gorgeous body he had ever seen.
"So, handsome," said the girl, "What do you think my best attribute is then?"
"Well," stammered the man, "I think it has to be your ears!"
"My ears?" frowned the woman, "But what about my perfect skin and my long blonde hair and my young pert breasts? Have you ever seen such a firm backside as mine?"
"No, I havn't." replied the man.
The woman shook her head and said, "And you still say my ears? Why?"
"Well," replied the man, "You know when you said that you could hear somebody coming?"
"Yes." said the girl.
The man looked down, blushing, and said, "Well that was me!"

46)
An eighteen-year-old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit.
The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of it and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem.However, I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take charge. If a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a Beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $2,000,000 bank account. If it is twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him.... "You fuck her again son!"