Morticom hilarious and obscene liverpool and scouser jokes

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SCOUSER JOKES

(A 'scouser' is anyone from Liverpool, England)

(10 gags)

1)
A scouse girl goes to the local council to claim benefit.
"How many children do you have?" asked the benefit officer.
"I have ten kids." replied the scouse woman.
"Ten?" said the benefit officer, "That's a lot! What are their names?"
"Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne." replied the scouse girl.
"Ummm, do you not get confused with them all having the same name?" asked the benefit officer.
"Nahhh," replied the scouser, "it's great because if they are out in the street playing I only have to say 'Wayne' once and they all come in!"
"What if you want to speak to one of them individually?" asked the benefit officer.
"Oh that's easy," replied the scouse girl, "I just use their last names!"

2)
Did you hear that this year had the coldest day in Liverpool since records began?
All the scousers kept their hands in their own pockets!

3)
What's the difference between a scouser funeral and a scouser wedding?
One less drunk!

4)
What do you say to a scouser in a uniform?
"Big Mac and fries please!"

5)
Did you know that Liverpool won the Greenest City award this year.
They recycle more car stereos than anyone else in the world and the churches all have lead free roofs!

6)
What do you call a scouser with a job?
A liar!

7)
A young mother was pushing her baby along the street in Manchester when suddenly a huge rottweiler dog lunged towards the pram, gnashing it's teeth.
The young woman thought for a moment that the dog would kill them when suddenly a man rushed over, wrestled with the rottweiler and broke it's neck with his bare hands. Another man rushed to the scene and said, "I am a reporter and I saw everything that happened. Wait until I put the headline in my paper. It will read 'Manchester United fan saves baby from savage rottweiler!"
"No you can't write that!" replied the man.
"But why not?" said the reporter.
"Because I am not a Manchester United fan, that's why!" replied the man.
"Oh, okay then," said the reporter, "I will write Manchester City supporter saves mother and baby from savage rottweiler!"
"You can't write that either" said the man.
"Why not?" asked the reporter.
"Because I am a Liverpool fan!" replied the man.
"Oh I see," said the reporter, "How about this then, 'Scouse bastard kills family pet!"

8)
One night in a local Liverpool pub, a huge scouser was sitting at the bar slowly getting pissed. He was 6 feet 8 inches tall and weighed at least 400 pounds.
A little later a short, skinny, obviously gay man walks in and sits next to the huge guy. After having a few drinks the gay man sidled over to the huge scouser and whispered in his ear, "Do you want a blow job?"
At this, the giant Merseysider jumped off his chair, punched the guy in the face breaking his nose, grabbed him by the feet and threw him out into the car park where he finished him off with bone crunching kicks to the head. He then left the faggot laying on the floor and went back into the bar.
Amazed, the bartender brought the huge scouser a beer and said, "I have never seen you like that before. You are normally such a gentle man. Just what did he say to you anyway?"
"I'm not sure," replied the scouser, "It was something about a job!"

9)
One day two psychiatrists were walking along a river in Liverpool when they noticed a scouser floating along in a boat singing, "Row, Row, Row your boat, gently down the stream......."
They instantly decided that he was crazy so they grabbed him, took him into hospital and removed 1/4 of his brain.
A few days later they again saw the scouser in his boat singing "Row, Row, Row your boat........"
Again they grabbed him, took him to hospital and removed another quarter of his brain.
A few days later they again saw the scouser in his boat singing "Row, Row, Row your boat........"
Again they grabbed him, took him to hospital and removed another quarter of his brain.
A few days later they again saw the scouser in his boat singing "Row, Row, Row your boat........"
This time they took him away and decided that the best thing would be to remove all of the rest of his brain.
A few days later they again saw the scouser in his boat singing "Ferry, on the Mersey.........."

10)
Why do little scouse girls put fish in their knickers?
So that they can smell like big scouse girls!