Morticom hilarious and obscene Scottish jokes

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SCOTTISH

(6 gags)

1)
Two Scotsmen met 25 years after their last get together. They hugged and slapped each other's backs and tears formed in their eyes as they renewed their friendship.
"Let's have a drink like we did in the old days!" the first Scot winked at his mate.
"Aye," the second Scotsman replied, "and don't forget, it's your round!"

2)
A guy goes into a restaurant and orders a bowl of soup, and the Scottish waiter brings a bowl out and puts it in front of the him.
He looks at it and says to the waiter, "There is a fly in my soup!"
The Scottish waiter looks in the bowl, pulls the half dead fly out and says, "Spit it out, spit it out!"

3)
Why do men in Scotland wear kilts?
Because the sheep can hear a zipper a mile away!

4)
One misty morning a guy was driving through the Scottish hills to Inverness. Suddenly out of the mist, a huge red highlander stepped into the middle of the road. The man was about six foot four and built like a brick shithouse. He had a huge red beard and despite the wind, mist and near freezing temperature, he was wearing only his kilt and tweed shirt.
At the roadside there was also standing a young woman. She was absolutely gorgeous, slim, shapely and with a fair complexion. Suddenly the car driver's attention is dragged from the girl, when the highlander open's his car door and drags him from the seat, onto the road.
"Right, Yew!" the highlander shouted, "I want you to masturbate!"
"Bbbuttt...." screamed the driver, stammering.
"Now!" shouted the highlander, "Or I will bloody kill yew!"
So the driver turned his back on the girl, dropped his trousers and started to wank until he eventually came all over the road.
"Right!" shouted the highlander, "Do it again!"
"Bbbbuuuuttt......." stammered the driver again.
"Now!" shouted the irate highlander, "Or I will beat yew to death!"
So the driver wanked himself off again and came all over the road.
"Right, do it again!" repeated the highlander.
This went on for over two hours. The driver had cramps in both his arms, he had rubbed himself raw, and despite the mist and rain and freezing wind, he collapsed in a sweating gibbering heap on the ground.
"Do it again!" screamed the highlander.
"I can't do it anymore," gasped the driver, "You will just have to kill me!"
The highlander looked down at the pathetic heap on the ground, slumped at the roadside.
"Aie right laddie," he said, "Now yew can give me daughter a lift to Inverness!"

5)
Did you hear about the two Scottish queers?
Ben Doon and Phil Mcrevis!

6)
Do you know how Scotsmen practice safe sex?
They spray paint X's on the backs of the sheep that kick.