Morticom hilarious and obscene priest jokes
"Is it proper for one man to profit from the mistakes of another?" a bloke asked his minister.
"Definitely not" was the clergyman's answer.
"Are you certain?"
"In that case," said the guy, "would you mind returning the $50 I gave you after my wedding last year?"
A young priest, who is still unsure of the penance to dole out during confession, asks an older priest what he should give a cocksucker.
"Oh," says the older priest, "give the alter boy a dollar or so, if you feel like it. Personally, I never give them more than fifty cents."
The minister of a small congregation was about to start his sermon when he noticed a young woman in the front row, wearing a tight dress with her boobs almost hanging out.
He couldn't concentrate on his message to the flock, so he dismissed the service and asked to speak to the woman after everyone else had left the church.
When they were alone, the reverend said in his sternest lecturing voice, "just what do you mean coming to church dressed like that?"
"Why reverend, " the young thing replied, "all of my boyfriends tell me that they can hear the angels sing when they put their heads on my breasts."
"Hmm, well, let me check." said the man of the cloth, placing his head between her tits. After several minutes, he raised his head and said, "I don't hear any angels singing!"
"Of course not reverend," she said. "You're not plugged in yet!"
What did the bishop do when the priest admitted his homosexuality?
He defrocked him.
As the priest was leaving his church after the service, he accidentally bumped into a gorgeous blonde parishioner, knocking her left tit with his elbow.
"I'm so sorry," the priest gushed. Then after a moment of hesitation added, "but I'm sure if your heart is as soft as your breast, there's a place for you in heaven."
"Well," said the blonde, "if your cock's as hard as your elbow, we should go into those bushes and fuck!"
A little girl was playing up a tree near a church. The priest was taking a walk when he happened to look up the tree and saw the little girl. She had no panties on. He called her down and gave her money to buy a pair of panties. The girl was so happy and told her mommy about it. The next day when the priest was again taking his daily walk, he looked up the same tree and saw the young girl's mother up there. She had no panties on. He called her down and gave her two dollars to buy a razor.
What's the difference between acne and a priest?
Acne doesn't come all over your face until you're 15.
Two pedophiles were walking down the street one day when they came across a pair of small lacy knickers on the ground.
The first one picks them up, smells them and says "Aahhh, a seven-year-old girl."
The other grabs them from him and also takes a smell and says, "No, no...definitely an eight-year-old girl!"
The two of them are then smelling them in turns and arguing, "An eight-year-old!", "No, a seven-year-old!", "Definitely an eight-year-old!"....and so on.
The local priest is walking past as the two men argue and can't help but ask them what the commotion is all about.
The first pedophile tells the priest and asks him if he could sort out the argument, so the priest takes the knickers, has a good long sniff, and after pondering for a few moments, he looks at the two men and says:
"Definitely an eight-year-old girl...but not from my parish!"
"Dad, I think the vicar is a homosexual."
"What makes you think that son?"
"Because he closes his eyes when I kiss him."
A bloke was driving across the outback of Australia in his jeep when he came across an Aborigine sitting at the side of the road drinking from a flagon, so he decided to have some fun and he ran the Abo over. A few minutes later, he came across another Abo and he decided to splatter this one across the dusty outback road as well, which he did. Later, he came across a third Abo walking along the side of the road. Once again he ran the black bastard down.
Sometime later, he saw a priest hitchhiking. Due to the remoteness of the area, the man decided to give the priest a lift. He eventually came across another Abo and attempted to run it over too, when he remembered the priest was sitting next to him, the man thought to himself, "I can't hit the Abo with this priest here!" and he swerved just in time to miss the Abo.
"I'm terribly sorry, Father," said the man, "I don't know what came over me."
"Don't worry my son," said the priest, "I got the black bastard with the door!"
A priest walking through a park notices little Johnny, who is pouring fluid on an assortment of small rodents, then striking a match and watching them burn .
"What are you pouring on those mice, my son?" the priest asks little Johnny.
"It's a mixture of acid and petrol" little Johnny says with a smile.
"I think you would be better using a few drops of holy water, then let them run away" the priest says, hoping to stop little Johnny's morbid hobby.
"Oh yeah, what does it do?" little Johnny says looking the priest in the eyes.
"Well, I placed a couple of drops on a lady with a large tummy and she passed a baby" the priest replies with all sincerity.
"Big fuckin' deal," says little Johnny with a sneer, "I put two drops of my stuff on a rats arse and it passed a fucking motor bike!"
What do you give the pedophile who has everything?
A black priest and a white priest were arguing about what colour God was. The argument was getting very heated when one of their parishioners suggested they hold a combined prayer meeting and ask God.
"Tell us, oh God," they chanted, "If your holy presence could be considered black or white!"
There was a great pause and a great voice filled the church and said, "I am what I am!"
"I told you so!" said the white preacher.
"What do you mean?" said the black priest "The voice didn't say he was white!"
"I know," said the white priest, "but if God was black he would have said 'I is what I is!'"
The pastor of the church was speaking a few words on proper conduct to the Sunday school class.
"Willy," he said to the model boy in the front row, "Do you know where little boys and girls do bad things?"
"Sure I do!" replied Willy, "At the back of the churchyard!"
It was about a month ago when a Dutchman in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so he went to see a priest.
"Forgive me father," said the Dutchman, "for I have sinned! During World War two, I hid a Jewish man in my attic!"
"Well," replied the priest, "That is no sin."
"But I made him pay me money for each week that he stayed." said the Dutchman.
"I admit that isn't good, but you did it for a good cause." said the priest.
"Oh thank you father," said the dutchman, "but can I ask you one more question?"
"What is it son?"
"Do I have to tell him that the war is over?"
What do you call a black priest?
A rabbi, a priest and a minister were having a discussion as to how they divided up the collection plate. The minister explained that he drew a circle on the ground, tossed the collection in the air, and that all the money that landed in the circle was for God and all that landed outside was for himself and the parish. The priest said that his system was similar: he just drew a straight line, tossed the money up, and what landed on one side was for God and on the other for himself and the church. The rabbi admitted that his system worked along somewhat the same lines. 'I just toss the plate up in the air,' he explained, 'and anything God can catch, he can keep!'
One day a very, very drunk man got on a bus and fell into a seat next to a priest. The priest looked at the drunk and found that his face was covered in lipstick and he had a half bottle of whisky sticking out of his pocket.
Suddenly the drunk turned to the priest and said, "Father, do you have any idea what causes arthritis?"
"Yes," the priest replied, "It is caused by loose living, wicked women and too much alcohol!"
"Well I'll be damned," said the drunk in surprise.
The bus carried on it's journey and the priest, feeling a little guilty, nudged the drunk in the shoulder and apologised to him.
"I'm very sorry," said the priest, "I didn't mean to come on all strong. Tell me, how long have you been suffering from arthritis?"
"I haven't," replied the drunk, "I was just reading here that the Pope is!"
One evening a drunkard was staggering down the street when he saw the city cathedral. He climbed the stairs very slowly, went into the building, where he knocked over a load of pews before getting to the side aisle and going into the confessional box.
The priest, seeing that the man was in need of spiritual help, went into the other side of the confessional and smelling the booze said, "May I help you, my son?"
"Ughhhhhh, I dunno," replied the drunk, "Do you have any toilet paper on your side?"
One day a vicar was driving down the road when a police car came behind, flashed it's lights and pulled him over to the side of the road.
"The reason I stopped you," said the policeman, "Is that you were speeding! Have you been drinking sir?"
"Only water, officer." replied the vicar.
"Then why is it I can smell wine on your breath?" said the policeman.
"Oh my Lord," replied the vicar, "He's done it again!"
One day a man went to his local church and said to the secretary, "Excuse me, can I speak to the fat bastard vicar please?"
The secretary, highly offended, turned to the man and said, "If you mean the pastor, then please refer to him as pastor or brother, but you may certainly not refer to him as the 'fat bastard vicar!"
"Well," said the man, "I have just won the lottery and I wanted to give him $50,000 to help the building fund."
"Wait one minute," replied the secretary, "The fucker has just got out of the shithouse!"