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THE POPE

(5 gags)

1)
Whilst visiting Rome, an Australian tourist was filming the vatican with a new duty-free camera.
He just happened to pan across and spot the Pope having a wank in the bushes.
He zoomed in closer and, just as the Pope shot his load, he spotted the tourist filming him.
"Jesus Christ!" he groaned.
Turning to the tourist, he said, "may I buy your camera?"
"No fucking way! I just got it duty-free." Replied the Aussie.
"I'll give you $20,000 for it!" the Pope begged.
"Really?" the tourist said. "Yeah, all right mate."
Later, a Vatican guard saw the Pope with his new toy.
"Excuse me, Your Holiness, how much did you pay for the video camera?"
"$20,000." replied the Pope.
"Shit!" said the guard. "Some bastard sure saw you coming!"

2)
As the Pope lay dying, he is visited by an Angel who tells him that before he dies, God has commanded that he must make love to a young virgin so he may know and understand the earthly pleasures he gave up his whole life. The Pope argues for a while but then finally agrees to do it if certain conditions are met:
"First, she must be blind so that she cannot see the desecration I will perform on her body!"
"Second, she must be mute so that she can never repeat the unspeakable act I will be performing on her body!"
"Third, she must he deaf so that she can't hear the unspeakable acts I will be performing upon her."
The Angel writes these down and begins to float away to report back to God.
Just before he disappears, the Pope leans forward and says, "One last thing."
"What is it?" asks the Angel.
The Pope whispers..."Big tits"

3)
What kind of meat does the Pope eat?
Nun!

4)
A young priest was boarding his plane when he found out that the Pope was on the same flight. When he got on the plane he was delighted to find that he would be sitting right next to the Pope.
Halfway through the flight the pope suddenly takes out a newspaper and begins to do the crossword. After awhile the Pope turned to the young priest and said, "Do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in '-UNT'?"
The priest thought to himself for a moment. 'Hmmmmmm, I can't tell the Pope that. there must be another word!' Racking his brains he turns to the Pope and says, "I think the word your looking for is AUNT!"
"Of course!" replied the Pope smiling, "Hmmmmmm. You wouldn't happen to have any Tippex on you would you?"

5)
One day Bernard Matthews, the famous turkey farmer, goes to the vatican to meet the pope.
"Your holiness," said Bernard, "I am the biggest turkey farmer in Europe and I need your help!"
"Speak, if I can guide you, I will." replied the pope.
"Well it's like this." said Bernard "Turkey is not as popular as it used to be . I have millions and millions of them hanging around the farm. I just can't sell them. All I need is a favour from you. If you could just change one little word in the Lords prayer I will pay you 10 million pounds a year for ten years."
"Pray, continue, my child." replied the pope.
"All I want," said Bernard, "is for you to change 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily turkey'. It will stick in peoples minds and I will sell millions of them. Beautiful, just beautiful!"
"We couldn't possibly change the Lords prayer!" replied the pope shaking his head, "It's an essential tradition!"
"Well look," said Bernard, "I will pay you 20 million pounds a year for five years and after that I will raise it by 5 million pounds a year for twenty years. That is really the best I can do!"
The pope then smiled at Bernard and said, "I shall help you. Go in peace my son."
The next day the pope meets all his Cardinals and sits them all down.
"I have good news and bad news." said the Pope, "The good news is that I have made a deal for us to get 20 million pounds a year!"
"But what's the bad news your holiness?"
The Pope replies with a sigh, "We have lost the Hovis account!"