Morticom hilarious and obscene penis jokes

Morticom Shop
Enter the weirdest, funniest and most outrageous Shop Here! If You DARE!

PENIS JOKES

(47 gags)

1)
What does a guy with a 12 inch cock have for breakfast?
I don't know, but I have corn flakes!

2)
Little Johnny is in the bathroom taking a pee, when the toilet seat falls down on his penis. He starts screaming and crying. His mum comes running into the room wondering what's going on.
He tells his mother, "Mummy, the toilet seat fell on top my penis. Kiss it better!"
"Johnny," said his mother, "Your getting more and more like your father every day!"

3)
Did you hear about the guy who had three cocks?
He use to love fucking women left, right and centre!

4)
What's 5 inches long, has 100 teeth and has a monster inside of it?
My zip!

5)
An army sergeant walks into a whorehouse and approaches the madam and says, "My name is Sgt Major Dick and I'm here for a woman!" The madam immediately escorts the soldier upstairs and selects the best call girl they have for him.
Sgt Major Dick immediately disrobes and is standing with his hands on his hips while he looks at the prostitute waiting for him on the bed. He says, "My name is Sgt Dick, been in the army thirty years, and I'm a master of my mind and body, DICK, ATTEN-SHUN. Immediately his penis becomes instantly erect!
The prostitute is in awe and asks how he can do it. The Sgt Major replies, "Like I said, I've been in the army thirty years and I have total control over my mind and body, DICK, AT EASE." His penis immediately goes limp.
The prostitute still can't get over what she saw and asks him to make it hard then soft then hard again.
She asks him again how he does it. The Sgt Major shouts, "I have already told you honey, I have been in the army thirty years, and I am master of my mind and body, DICK, ATTEN-SHUN. His penis goes instantly hard. Then he gives the following command, "DICK- AT EASE!" The Sgt Major looks down and is amazed to see his penis is fully erect. The Sgt Major is now fuming, and says, "I'm going to tell you one more time, DICK-AT EASE!" No luck. His penis is still hard. He yells "God Dammit!" and moves to the side of the bed and starts to masturbate vigorously.
The prostitute asks, "What the hell is going on?"
The Sgt Major replies, "This soldier disobeyed a direct order, and I'm giving him a dishonourable discharge!"

6)
A guy has sex with a Chinese prostitute and a week later he goes to a doctor because his cock has turned yellow, purple and green. The doctor takes a look and says, "Well, it's pretty bad, we are going to have to amputate!"
"No way!" says the guy and runs out of the hospital quick. He then thinks to himself, Chinese whore, then it's a Chinese doctor I need.
So he goes into Chinatown and finds a doctor. The doctor takes a look. The guy says, "Listen Doc, the previous Doctor said that he would have to amputate, was he right?"
"No, No, No," said the Chinese Doctor, "Australian Doctor's always want to cut, cut , cut. Two to three days at the most - pecker should fall off all by itself!"

7)
What's the definition of a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but you use your hand!

8)
Why is masturbating like eating a Mcdonalds?
Because it's always exactly the same and afterwards you swear you will never do it again!

9)
What do you call 10 naked men sitting on each others shoulders?
A scrotum pole!

10)
What do you call a bloke with a one inch dick?
Justin!

11)
What's the toughest part of a man's body?
His cock. Because it can stand up to any cunt!

12)
What's the difference between white onions, brown onions and a 14 inch dick?
Nothing. They all make women's eyes water!

13)
After this horny guy dropped his pants, the chick was dismayed to see that it was only 2 inches long.
"Who the hell do you think your gonna satisfy with this?" said the girl.
"Me!" said the guy, with a smile!

14)
A yuppie walked into a doctors surgery and demanded the quack look at his dick.
"Why, what's wrong with it?" the doc asked.
"I'll show you." said the yuppie. He dropped his trousers. His dick was the size of a jellybean, and the doctor couldn't help laughing.
"It's nothing to laugh at," replied the yuppie, "It's been swollen like that for the last three days!"

15)
Mick and Harry were having a drink at the pub one night, when Mick noticed a blonde making eyes at his friend.
"Go and chat her up," Mick said, "You might get a fuck!"
So Harry went over to the blonde and started chatting. But after about ten minutes, Harry came back to the table, looking pissed off.
"What happened," asked Mick, "It looked like you were going to score!"
"Yeah," replied Harry, "Things were going fine until she said, "I won't let you fuck me unless you dick is at least 10 inches long!"
"So what's the problem?" asked Mick.
Harry replied, "I'm not folding my dick in half for anybody!"

16)
How do you get meat from a fly?
By unzipping it!

17)
What's the best thing about a blowjob?
The ten minutes of silence!

18)
What's dangerous and eats nuts?
Syphilis!

19)
A foot and a penis are talking to each other, and the foot says, "I have had it so bad in life. Everyday my owner sticks me into a smelly shoe and walks around on me all day long. My life sucks!"
Then the penis says, "You think you have had it bad. My owner sticks me into a deep black hole that smells like fish every night and then makes me do push ups until I puke!"

20)
A black guy walks into a bar and says, "I have a twelve inch cock, and I like to fuck white women with it."
A drunk at the other end of the bar shouts, "Hey, I wouldn't want to fuck black women with it either!"

21)
What do you get if you have two nuts on a wall? Walnuts!
What do you get if you have two nuts on your chest? Chestnuts!
What do you get if you have two nuts on your chin? A mouth full of cock!

22)
What's the most sensitive part of your body when your having a wank?
Your ears listening out for footsteps!

23)
What did the policeman's cock say to the rubber?
Cover me I'm going in!

24)
What's a condominium?
A condom for an extra small dick!

25)
Why did the guy sleep with his sister in law?
He had it in for his brother!

26)
What did one testicle say to the other?
" Why should we hang, Dick did all the shooting!"

27)
What do you call a black man with a white dick?
A coal miner who went home for lunch!

28)
Have you heard about the new salad for wankers?
It tosses itself!

29)
An American walks into a bar, grabs a handful of coins out of his pocket, throws them in the air, pulls a gun, shoots six times and six bullets go through the centre of six coins - and he says, "My name is Bill....Buffalo Bill!"
Right after that, a Russian stands up from behind the bar, pulls his pants down and everyone can clearly see he has three enormous dicks hanging down - and he says, "My name is Bill too.....Cherno-Bill!"

30)
A group of wives were sitting in a bar, discussing the pet names for their husband's cocks.
"I call my ol' man's cock the Curtain," laughed the first wife, "Because it comes down at the end of each performance!"
"I call my husband's dick the Basque Terrorist," added the second wife, "Because I never know whether it will attack at the front or the rear!"
The third wife shrugged, "Myself, I call my husband's The Rumour!"
"Why is that?" asked the other two.
"Because it passes swiftly from mouth to mouth!"

31)
While away at a convention, an executive happened to meet a young woman who was pretty and intelligent. When he persuaded her to disrobe in his hotel room, he found out that she had a superb body as well. Unfortunately, the executive found himself unable to perform.
On his first night home, the executive walked from the shower into the bedroom to find his wife in a rumpled bath robe, her hair curled, her face creamed, munching candy loudly while she looked through a magazine.
Then without warning, he felt the onset of a magnificent hard on. Looking down at this he snarled, "Why you ungrateful, mixed up, son of a bitch. Now I know why they call you a prick!"

32)
A handsome young man who is wealthy and successful with the ladies was turning thirty years old and decided to relax and stop fooling around and settle down and get married.
But he decides that his wife just has to be a virgin. So he dates numerous girls and after wining and dining them he takes them home and exposes himself. "What is this?" he would ask each girl, pointing to his penis. They would all look bewildered and say, "Ummm, a dick!" and disappointed, he would take them home.
After a few months of trying he met a shy librarian named Ann, he took her out, the same routine, shows himself and says, "What's this?".
Ann replied, "I don't know."
Ecstatic, he marries her and on their honeymoon night he takes her hand and placing it on his dick says, "Now dear, this is a dick!"
"Oh no honey," says Ann, "A dick is much bigger than that, and black!"

33)
Two brothers enlisting in the army were getting their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises.
"How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers.
"It's hereditary,sir!" the older one replied.
"I see," said the doctor, "Your father is the reason for your elongated penises!"
"No sir, our mother is!" the younger one replied.
"Your mother? Don't be stupid, woman do not have penises!"
"I know sir" replied the older brother, "but she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bath, she had to manage as best as she could!"

34)
What's the most active muscle in a woman?
The penis!

35)
What do rubik cubes and penises have in common?
The more you play with them the harder they get!

36)
Why did God give men penises?
So we would have at least one way to shut a woman up!

37)
What's the difference between a pay cheque and a penis?
You can always find a girl who will blow your paycheque for you!

38)
One summer, the company that Dave worked for transferred him to another city, and Dave was told that he had to take a new physical with the company doctor.
All the tests came out fine, but the doctor remarked that Dave had the smallest dick he had ever seen, "Do you have any difficulties with it being so small?" asked the doctor.
"Shit, no," said Dave, "I have three kids, a wife, a great sex life. But I do sometimes have a problem finding it in the daytime."
"What about at night?" asked the doctor.
"Nights are no problem," said Dave, "Because there are two of us looking for it!"

39)
Two five year old boys are standing at the potty waiting to pee.
One says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!"
"I've been circumcised." the other boy replied.
"What's that mean?" asked the first boy.
"It means they cut the skin off the end."
"How old were you when it was cut off then?"
"My mum said I was two days old."
"Did it hurt?"
"You bet it hurt. I couldn't walk for a year!"

40)
A guy walks into a clock shop, walks up to the girl at the counter, undoes his fly and puts his cock on the counter.
The girl behind the counter says, "Excuse me sir, this is a clock shop, not a cock shop!"
So the guy says, "So put two hands and a face on it!"

41)
A guy walked into the doctor's surgery for an appointment.
"Would you like to tell me your problem?" the pretty receptionist said, "I will need the information for the doctor."
"It's rather embarrassing," the guy stammered, "You see, I have a very large and constant erection."
"Well, the doctor is very busy today," said the receptionist, "but maybe I can squeeze you in!"

42)
A guy was out with his girlfriend one day in the car when they both decided to drive down a country road. The guy then pretended to run out of petrol, hoping to strike it lucky with his girlfriend.
His girlfriend is having none of it however, and she takes $50 out of her purse, gives it to her boyfriend and tells him to get some fuel at the petrol station a few miles down the road.
The guy grudgingly agreed, but he needed to take a piss first. The guy goes behind a tree and starts peeing, when suddenly his girlfriend lights a cigarette near the fuel tank and the car violently explodes.
After all the smoke has cleared his girlfriend says, "Honey, help me find my purse, it's disappeared!"
"First help me find my right hand," said the man, "It's got my dick in it!"

43)
What long and hard and full of semen?
A submarine!

44)
Whats the definition of small?
"Is it in yet?"

45)
Why is a man's penis like a snowstorm?
Because you don't know when it's coming, or how many inches you will get and how long it will stay!

46)
Two friends were sitting on a bridge drinking beer when eventually they both have to take a piss.
Wanting to impress his friend the first guy pulled his cock out, began pissing and said, "Ewwww this water is cold!"
"And deep too!" said the other.

47)
What's twelve inches long and white?
Nothing!