Morticom hilarious and obscene nun jokes
What do you call a nun riding piggyback on the hunchback of Notre Dame?
Virgin on the ridiculous.
A bloke down on his luck, was reduced to catching the bus.
One day, a beautiful young nun boarded the bus and sat down in front of him. She was such a babe he kept leaning forward to perv on her. Finally, he could control himself no longer. Leaning forward, he whispered quietly in her ear, "I'd like to fuck you up the arse." With a gasp of shock, the nun jumped to her feet, rang the bell and got off the bus.
A couple of stops later, the bloke was getting off when the driver said, "Hey, what did you say to that nun?"
"Well, to be honest," said the bloke "she looked so damn good I said I'd like to fuck her up the arse."
"Shit, no wonder she got off! She's very religious and you shoulda asked her in a more devout way. As a matter of fact, she goes through the park down the road every night at about 7.30. Why don't you go down there and try a different approach.
The bloke had long hair and a beard, so he got himself a robe and waited in the park for her to come by.
Sure enough, around 7.30, the nun appeared on her way to the convent. Leaping out of the bushes, the bloke shouted, "Hey nun, I'm Jesus come to fuck you up the arse!"
"No worries, Jesus," said the nun and she bent over and hoisted up her habit.
After the bloke had done the deed, remorse set in and he said rather sheepishly, "I'm not really Jesus."
"That's okay," came the reply. "I'm not really the nun...I'm the bus driver!"
Snow White and the seven dwarves were returning home to their cottage one night after a day down the mine when Dopey walked up to Snow White and asked her, "Are there any midget nuns in this forest?" Amidst much giggling from the other dwarves, Snow White replied, "No, Dopey. There are no midget nuns in this forest."
A bit further down the track, Dopey asks with a hint more desperation in his voice, "Are there any midget nuns in this country?" Again, Snow White replied to the negative amidst much laughter emanating from the direction of the other dwarves. Almost back to the cottage, Dopey is starting to look really upset, so he strides up to Snow White and demands, "Are there any midget nuns on the whole planet?" Before Snow White could reply, the other dwarves broke down completely and started chanting, "Dopey Fucked A Penguin, Dopey Fucked A Penguin!"
What do you call a nun with a sex change?
What's the difference between a nun and a lady in a bathtub?
A nun has hope in her soul!
Why can't nigger women become nuns?
Because they can't get used to saying, 'superior' after 'mother'!
Four nuns die and go to heaven and find themselves in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter asked the first nun, "Sister, have you sinned?"
"Yes," she replied, "I once looked at a man!"
"Alright," St. Peter said, "just step over to that font and dab your eyes with the holy water. You may enter the gates!"
To the second nun, he asked the same question.
"Yes, St. Peter," she replied, "I once touched a man!"
He tells her to go to the Holy water font and wash her hands.
At that point, the third nun turns to the fourth and says, "Sister, would you mind if I gargle before you douche?"
At closing time, Dave staggered out of the pub, drunk as usual. Trying to find his way home through the dark streets, he staggered along until he walked into a nun.
Dave immediately lunged at her, twisting her arm, he threw her to the ground and pinned her down. A few people from a house nearby rushed out to assist the donned nun.
As they pulled Dave off her, he screamed, "I thought you would have been stronger than that, Batman!"
Two nuns were taking a stroll through the park at dusk when two men jumped them, ripped off their habits, and proceeded to rape them.
Sister Gregory, bruised and battered, looked up at the sky and said softly, "Forgive him, Lord, for he knows not what he does."
Sister Theresa looked over at her and said, "mine does!"
Three nuns die and go to heaven, where they are all warmly welcomed at the Pearly Gates by St Peter. "Sisters," he says, "I want to thank you for all your good work on earth. Now there's just a brief formality before I can admit you to heaven: Each of you will have to answer one question." And, turning to the first nun, he asks, "Sister Michael, what is the mystery of the Trinity?"
"That's the Father, Son and the Holy Ghost," she replies. And the lights flash and bells go off and Sister Michael is swept into the Pearly Gates.
"Sister Benedicta," asks St Peter gently, "what is the mystery of the Virgin Birth?"
"That's the Immaculate Conception," she replied, and she too is swept inside the gates with much flashing of lights and sounding of bells.
Sister Angelica is left alone, shaking a bit with nervousness. St Peter turns to her and asks, "What, Sister Angelica, were the first words Eve said to Adam?"
Sister Angelica thought it over, beads of sweat starting to appear on her brow, and finally blurted, "Gee, Saint Peter, that's a hard one."
And the bells went off, the gates opened...
What's red and black and has trouble getting through a revolving door?
A nun with a spear through her head!
The Mother Superior at the convent was having her office remodelled, so she asked two of her nuns to paint the walls and the ceiling.
"Don't get any paint on your habits!" warned Mother Superior, and she left the room.
The two nuns thought about this and decided that it would be a good idea if they took off all of their clothes and did the painting in the nude.
Anyway after a few hours of work the two nuns were nearly finished when they heard a knock at the door.
"Who is there?" they called out nervously.
"I'm a blind man." replied the voice from the other side of the door.
The two nuns decided that no harm could come from letting a blind man into the room so they opened the door.
"Nice tits and arses!" laughed the man, "Now where do you want these blinds?"