Morticom hilarious and obscene jewish jokes


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JEWISH JOKES

(65 gags)

1)
Jacob Levy had just finished his loan collecting for the week and had done very well, so he thought he would give himself a justly deserved reward and went to a well known brothel.
The madam said "Well, you can have this nice Chinese girl over there for $5, then I have a redhead for $10 and this terrific blonde for $15."
Jacob decided to spend $10 and have a really good time.
More than 20 years later his wife had died and he felt lonely so once again he went to the brothel. He recognised the redhead who was now a madam, and there was a friendly reunion. Suddenly a huge youngster of about 20 years old appeared and called out "Mum, is this guy bothering you?"

"No,No," said the madam, "In fact, John, I'd like you to meet your father."
"What?", said John, "This little Jewish man is my father?", to which Jacob replied "Watch your manners! If I hadn't been so generous you would have been a chinaman!"

2)
After 60 years a Rabbi decides to retire, taking the box of foreskins he has collected over the years of doing circumcisions. He goes to the leather goods manufacturers and says to the salesman "Can you do anything with these?"
The man says "No problem, come back in two weeks."
After two weeks the rabbi returns to the shop and is presented with a wallet. In total disbelief, he says to the craftsman "After 60 years the best you can do is a wallet?"
The man replies "Don't worry, just rub it a few times and it will turn into a suitcase"

3)
Why did Hitler kill himself?
The Jews sent him a gas bill!

4)
How do you kill a Jew?
Strangle his wallet!

5)
How was the Grand Canyon formed?
A Jew dropped a penny down a manhole!

6)
Why do Jews have big noses?
Because the air is free!

7)
Why are Jewish synagogues round?
So they cant hide in the corner when the collection box comes round!

8)
How do you notice a Jews house?
Padlocks on the dustbins, parking meters on the roof for birds, toilet paper on the washing line!

9)
Have you heard of the Jewish "Catch 22"?
Free Ham!

10)
Did you hear about the Jewish Santa Claus?
He came down the chimney and said "Do you want to buy some presents kiddies?"

11)
How do you get 100 Jews into a Volkswagen Beetle?
Two in the back, Two in the front and ninety six in the ashtray!

12)
How was copper wire invented?
Two Jews found the same penny!

13)
Why did Hitler kill himself?
The Jews sent him the gas bill!

14)
An old Jewish fellow wins 1.5 million on the lottery. He is being interviewed on TV, when he asked what he plans to do with the money.
"Well," he says, "Half a million I'm going to give to my synagogue as it needs some work doing to it!"
The interviewer asks, "What about the rest?"
The old Jew says, "Another half a million I'm going to give to a local Jewish summer camp, so the kids can have a nice place to stay in the summer."
The interviewer asks, "Great! And what about the rest?"
"Oh, I'm going to give that to the nazi party!" he replied.
"What? Why would a Jew give money to the nazi party?"
The old Jew rolled up his sleeve, points to a tattoo and say's, "They are the ones that gave me my lucky number!"

15)
What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza?
Pizzas don't scream when they are put in the oven!

16)
An Englishman, Irishman and a Jew went for a round of golf and their wives went along as caddies.
While walking around the course the Englishman's wife caught her foot in a rabbit hole, tripped up and landed in a heap on the ground. Her skirt was over her head revealing that she wasn't wearing any knickers! The Englishman stormed over and angrily demanded a reason for her undress.
"Well darling," she explained, "You give me so little allowance that I have to make the odd sacrifice! Usually no one notices!" The Englishman thrust his hand into his pocket and said, "Here is $10 go and buy some new knickers!"
Two holes further along the Irishman's wife caught her foot on a molehill, tripped up and landed in a heap on the ground. Her skirt also went over her head revealing she wasn't wearing any knickers! The Irishman was livid and he angrily demanded a reason for her lack of undergarments.
"Well darling," she explained, " you give me so little allowance I can't afford undergarments." With that the Irishman thrust his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's $20. Go and buy some new knickers!"
Three holes further along the Jew's wife caught her foot in an exposed root, tripped up and landed in a heap on the ground. Her skirt also went over her head revealing she wasn't wearing any knickers! The Jew was livid and he angrily demanded a reason for her lack of undergarments.
"Well darling," she explained, " you give me so little allowance I can't afford undergarments." With that the Jew thrust his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's a comb! At least tidy yourself up!"

17)
A Jew walks into a pub and sees his friend Moshie sitting at the bar. He dropped his hands to his sides and yelled, "Oh shit Moshie! I'm sorry to hear about your shop burning down!"
Moshie spun round quickly and said quickly, "Tomorrow, tomorrow!"

18)
What's the worst part about raping a dead Jewish five year old?
Hearing the pelvis crack! What's even worse? There's six million more to go!

19)
What happens when a naked Jew with a ten inch erection runs into a wall?
He breaks his nose!

20)
Why did the Jews wander in the desert for 40 years?
Somebody dropped a shekel!

21)
What's the difference between a catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewellery!

22)
Two Jewish businessmen were discussing insurance. "You need fire insurance, burglary insurance and flood insurance" said the first Jew.
"The fire and theft and burglary I can understand," said the first Jew, "But flood insurance? How do you start a flood?"

23)
What candy did Hitler hate the most?
Jew Jew beans.....although I heard he enjoyed them 'roasted!'

24)
Why don't Jews eat pork?
Jews may be a lot of things but cannibals they are not!

25)
Why do Jewish women only sleep with circumcised men?
They want 20% off everything!

26)
If Tarzan and Jane were Jewish what would cheetah be?
A fur coat!

27)
What's the definition of a queer Jew?
A Jew that likes girls more than money!

28)
What's the Jewish version of foreplay?
Half an hour of begging!

29)
What do you call ten Jewish bitches in a basement?
A whine cellar!

30)
What's the difference between a vulture and a Jew?
A vulture waits until you are dead to eat your heart out!

31)
How was copper wiring invented?
Two Jews found the same penny!

32)
Why is money green?
Because Jews pick it before it is ripe!

33)
Why are Jews never attacked by sharks?
Professional courtesy!

34)
What did the Jewish pedophile say to the little boy after he lured him into his car?
"Hey, go easy on those sweets!"

35)
Two Jews were sitting on a pier passing the time of day. The first Jew puts his feet in the water and cries, "It's cold, it's cold!"
The second Jew puts his nose in and screams, "It's fucking deep too!"

36)
Why do Jews wear yarmulkes?
Because the hats with little propellors cost extra!

37)
A Jewish boy went to New York for a holiday. After a few weeks he called his mother on the phone and said, "I have great news, mother, I have met a beautiful girl and I am getting married!"
"Oy vey," his mother exclaimed, "I hope she's Jewish. What's her name?"
"Goldberg!" the boy told her.
"That's a wonderful Jewish name," his mother smiled, "What's her first name?"
"Whoopi!" replied the boy.

38)
What's the best thing that ever came out of Auschwitz?
The empty buses!

39)
What do you call a Jewish faggot?
A heblew!

40)
How do you say FUCK YOU in Jewish?
"Trust me!"

41)
How do you say FUCK YOU, ARSEHOLE in Jewish?
"Trust me, my friend!"

42)
Did you hear about the Jewish Santa Claus?
He came down the chimney and said, "Would you like to BUY some presents kiddies?"

43)
What's the difference between a circumcision and a crucifixion?
In a crucifixion they throw out the whole Jew!

44)
How do you know when your on a Jewish golf course?
The players don't yell 'FORE' they yell '$3.99!'

45)
Why are synagogues round?
So the Jews can't hide in the corner when the collection box comes round!

46)
What do you call a Jewish woman's waterbed?
The Dead Sea!

47)
How do you take a head count in Israel?
Roll a penny down the street!

48)
What's the difference between a Jew and a canoe?
A canoe tips!

49)
Why do Jews have long, thin pricks?
Because they are tight-fisted wankers!

50)
What's the Jewish version of foreplay?
Half an hour of begging!

51)
Do you know how to keep Jews out of a country club?
Let one in, and he will keep the rest out!

52)
Why is money green?
Because the Jews picked it before it was ripe!

53)
Why do Jews have such big noses?
Because air is free!

54)
How do you stop a Jewish girl from fucking you?
Marry her!

55)
Did you hear about the tramp who walked up to the Jewish woman and said, "Lady, I haven't eaten for three days."
She replied, "Force yourself!"

56)
Why do Jewish woman use gold diaphragms?
Their husbands like coming into money!

57)
What's the difference between karate and judo?
Karate is a method of self defence and judo is what bagels are made of!

58)
What's the difference between a Jewish woman and poverty?
Poverty sucks!

59)
How did they know Jesus was a Jew?
Because he lived at home until he was thirty, he went into his father's business, his mother thought he was God and he thought his mother was a virgin!

60)
What do Jewish women make for dinner?
Reservations!

61)
How does a Jewish woman eat a banana?
Pretend that you are holding a banana in your right hand. With your left hand, peel off the three or four strips of peel about halfway down the banana. Continuing to hold the banana in right hand, place your left hand behind your head. Now force your head over the banana!

62)
How was the limbo invented?
From Jews sneaking into pay toilets!

63)
A Jew, a Hindu and an Irishman were travelling together, and as the night fell they came to a little country inn. The innkeeper explained apologetically that only two beds were available in the inn, but he would be glad to make up a comfortable cot for the third man in the barn. So the three travellers drew straws, and it fell upon the Jew to sleep in the barn.
In a few minutes there was a knock at the door, to which the innkeeper responded.
"I'm so sorry," explained the Jew, "but there is a big pig in the barn, and my religion forbids me to sleep under the same roof as a pig!"
The Hindu had taken the next straw, and out he went. In a few minutes there was another knock at the door, and the innkeeper opened the door on the Indian fellow. Apologising gracefully, he explained that his religious belief forbade him to share shelter with a cow, and there was in the barn.
Finally, out went the Irishman. In a few minutes there was yet another knock at the door, which the innkeeper answered. On the doorstep stood the pig and cow!

64)
One day a Jewish rabbi and a catholic priest have a car crash, ending up with both vehicles being totally written off. Both men are uninjured and after they get out of their cars the rabbi noticed the priests collar.
"Well," said the rabbi, "you are a priest and I am a rabbi, both our cars are totally destroyed and we are both unhurt. It must be a miracle from God and he must have intended us to meet and become good friends and live together in peace for the rest of our lives!"
"I agree with you totally!" replied the priest, "This must be a sign from God. You will be my closest friend for the rest of my life!"
"Look at this," said the rabbi, "A bottle of red wine in the boot of my car, unbroken. Another miracle. Surely God wants us to seal our friendship with a drink."
The rabbi finds two cups, fills them with red wine and gives one to the priest. The priest takes several swigs finishing the full cup then hands it back to the rabbi.
"Are you not having any?" asked the priest.
"No," replied the rabbi, "I think I will wait for the police!"

65)
One day a Jewish grandmother had taken her grandson to the beach for a play when suddenly a huge wave washed over the infant and pulled him out to sea.
The distraught grandmother fell down on her knees, and sobbed, "Please God, don't let my grandson die, please, he is my only grandson! He is the future of my family, please return him to me safely!"
Instantly another huge wave rolls the infant back onto the beach and the grandmother looks up to the sky and said, "He had a hat!"



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