Morticom hilarious and obscene Jesus jokes

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(12 gags)

What sways from side to side?
Jesus on a rubber cross!

Why did Jesus always get told off by his mother.
Because he was always biting his nails!

It's during the time of Christ and some Hebrews are bored one day. "Let's go and find a whore and stone her!" one says.
They all go to a brothel and find a ragged old whore. They drag her out and are getting ready to stone her, when Jesus suddenly comes out of his carpenter's tent and says, "He who is without sin cast the first stone!"
All the Hebrews get discouraged and go home. As they are leaving, an old woman picks up a huge rock, and throwing it with all her might, hits the whore on the nose.
Jesus turns, looks at the old woman and says with shock and dismay, "MUM!"

Jesus, Moses and an old man are playing golf. Moses steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Moses parts the water and chips onto the green.
Jesus steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the water trap but still lands in the water. Jesus just walks on the water and chips the ball onto the green.
The old man steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and heads for the water trap. But just before it lands in the water a fish jumps out of the water and catches the ball in his mouth, then an eagle swoops down and grabs the fish in its claws, then the eagle flies over the green and is hit by a sudden bolt lightning and the eagle drops the fish.
When the fish hits the ground, the ball pops out of his mouth and rolls in for a hole in one.
Jesus then turns to the old man and says, "Dad, if you don't stop fooling around we won't bring you next time!"

Jesus and Moses are sitting in a boat fishing and Jesus says to Moses, "I want to do a miracle like in the good old days!" and Moses says, "Sure!"
So Jesus gets up and says, "I think I will walk on the water, that was always a good one!" So Jesus walks over to the edge of the boat stands on the water and sinks like a stone.
Moses drags Jesus back into the boat and revives him. Moses then says, "What happened?"
"I think it's the holes in my feet!" Jesus replied.

Top Ten Reasons That Beer Is Better Than Jesus:-
a) No one will kill you for not drinking beer.
b) Beer doesn't tell you how to have sex.
c) They don't force beer on minors who cannot think for themselves.
d) Beer has never caused a major war.
e) When you have a beer you don't knock on people's doors trying to give it away.
f) Nobody has ever been burned at the stake, hanged or tortured over a beer.
g) You don't have to wait 2000 years for a second beer.
h) There are laws saying beer labels cannot lie to you.
I) You can prove you have a beer.
j) If you are devoted to beer then there are groups who can help you stop.

One day Jesus was walking by the pearly gates when St Peter asked him to watch the gates for a few minutes. Jesus agreed and in a few minutes he saw an old old man approach.
This man was OLD. He walked very slowly, had a halting gait, long white hair and a beard. When Jesus asked if he could help, the old man said that he was looking for his son. Jesus wanted to help but didn't think he could because there were millions of people there.
"I know I can identify him," said the old man, "because he has holes in his hands and feet!"
Jesus looks at him in shock and says, "Father? Is that you?"
The old man looks at Jesus and says, "Pinnochio?"

What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
It only takes one nail to hang the picture!

Why wasn't Christ born in Mexico?
Because they couldn't find three wise men and a virgin!

Why can't Jesus eat M & M's?
Because they keep on falling through his hands!

What did the poof say when he saw Jesus hanging from the cross?
"Good God! You're well-hung!"

Christ is on the cross, and Peter is down the hill conforting Mary Magdelene when he hears a faint voice, "Peter...Peter..."
"I must go and help my saviour," he said and went up the hill, only to be beaten and kicked back down by the Roman centurions guarding the cross. But soon he hears, "Peter...Peter..." in even fainter tones, and he cannot ignore the call. Peter limps up the hill, leans a ladder against the cross, and is halfway up when the centurions knock over the ladder, beat him brutally and toss him back down the hill.
Again, he hears, "Peter...Peter..." even fainter and he cannot sit idle. He staggers up the hill, drags himself up the ladder, and finally gets even with Christ's face. Just as the centurions are reaching for the ladder, Christ says, "Peter...Peter...I can see your house from here!"