Morticom hilarious and obscene homosexual and gay jokes

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(80 gags)

Why are faggots so generous?
Because they don't know how to be tight arsed!

What's the definition of a poofter?
A bloke who enlarges the circle of his friends!

A homo went to Denmark to have a sex change operation performed. When 'SHE' returned, a friend asked, "How did it go?"
"Oh awful, just awful!" she replied.
"What was so awful?" asked the friend, "Did it hurt a lot when they removed the extra parts?"
"Oh no," she replied, "That wasn't bad at all."
"Well, did it hurt when they put in the silicone implants?" the friend asked.
"Oh no, that wasn't bad either!" she replied.
"Well then," asked the friend, "What was so awful?"
"It was when they cut a hole in my head and took out half my brain!"

Two queers were at the fairground.
Jamie said that he wanted to go on the Ferris wheel but Clive had a sore bum and decided not to go on as well. The wheel went round and round and then suddenly the cart that Jamie was seated in falls to the ground, landing at Clive's feet.
"Are you hurt Jamie?" cried Clive in a high pitched faggotty squeal.
"Of course I am you bitch!" replied Jamie with tears in eyes, "Three times I went round and you didn't wave once to me!"

What did the homo sea captain give his gay boyfriend for his birthday?
A tug!

How do you know that you have walked into a homosexual church service?
Only half the congregation are kneeling!

How many faggots does it take to put in a light bulb?
Only one.....but it takes an entire emergency room to remove it!

What are the first symptoms of AIDS?
A pounding sensation in the arse!

If you had a poofter on your back, would you leave him there or pull him off?

One day a homo dentist goes to another homo dentist to get some dental work.
The tooth fairy says to the other one in the chair, "You know, you have the whitest teeth I have ever COME across!"

A queer goes into a doctor's surgery convinced that he is pregnant.
"How could you possibly be pregnant?" asked the doctor, "Who is the father?"
"What do you think I have?" asked the queer, "Eyes in the back of my head?"

A homo finally decides he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents, so he went over to their house and found his mother in the kitchen cooking. He sat down at the table, let out a big sigh and said, "Mum, I have something to tell you. I'm gay."
His mother made no reply or gave any response, and the queer was about to repeat it to make sure she had heard him, when she turned away from the pot she was stirring and calmly said, "Your gay? Doesn't that mean that men put their penis's in your anus?"
"Yes mum, they do." He replied.
"And you put other men's penis's in your mouth, right?" she asked calmly.
"Uh, yes mum I do." The faggot said nervously.
His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled round, with a snarling face and hit him over the head with a frying pan and screamed, "Don't you dare complain about the taste of my cooking again!"

Three queers die in a car accident. All three were cremated. After the funeral their lovers were talking about what was to become of their ashes.
The first fag said, "Well, my lover was a pilot, he just loved to fly, so I am going to go up in a plane and scatter his ashes in the air!"
The next fag says, "My lover was a sailor, he just loved the water, so I am going to scatter his ashes in the ocean!"
The final fag says, "Well, my partner was a great lover, he just loved to screw, so I am going to mix his ashes into a tub of the hottest chilli powder so he can tear my arsehole up just one more time!"

What's the definition of tender love?
Two faggots with haemorrhoids!

Did you hear about the two queers who went to London?
They were really pissed off when they found out that Big Ben was a clock!

Three faggots wanted to commit suicide. The first one leapt from a building and landed on the road and it took three weeks before they could scrape him off the tarmac.
The second one threw himself in front of a car and it took two months to peel him off the bumper.
The third one jumped out of a plane and landed on a flag pole and it took two years to get the smile off his face!

Two queers were visiting the zoo, when they found themselves at the gorilla cage. The gorilla was sitting there with a huge erection. Unable to contain himself the first queer reaches inside the cage to touch the huge cock. As soon as arm goes into the cage the gorilla grabs him, takes him into the cage, slams him on the floor and fucks him senseless.
A few days later in hospital the first queer's boyfriend visits him and said, "Does it hurt?"
"Hurt? Hurt?" cried the faggot, "Of course it hurts. He hasn't phoned, he hasn't written........!"

What does a homo and an ambulance have in common?
They both get loaded from the rear and go WHOO! WHOO!

How do you get four faggots to share a bar stool?
Turn it upside down!

Two homos decide that they want to have a baby, but they don't want to adopt because they want the baby to be as close to their own as possible. So they both masturbate into a cup and have a doctor use their sperm to impregnate a female friend of theirs. Nine months later, the two fags are looking at their baby in the hospital nursery. All of the babies are crying and screaming except for theirs.
"Wow!" one of the fags says, "Our baby is the most well behaved one of the lot!"
A nurse who happened to be walking by replied, "Now he's quiet, but wait until we take the pacifier out of his arse!"

What do call a queer who doesn't have AIDS?
A lucky cocksucker!

Did you know that 70% of the homo population was born that way?
The other 30% were sucked into it!

How do faggots spell relief?

Have you heard about the new gay television soap series?
It's called 'Leave it, it's beaver!'

What is a shit?
A faggots wet dream!

What does AIDS stand for?
Arsehole Injected Death Sentence!

How can you tell if a novel is homosexual?
The hero always gets his man at the end!

How can you tell if a western is homosexual.
All the good guys are hung!

Did you hear about the gay magician?
He vanished with a poof!

How can you tell if a household is homosexual?
The welcome mat reads 'Please wipe Your Knees!'

What do you call two faggots on a waterbed?
A fruit float!

Why are faggots always the first out of burning buildings?
Because they already have their shit packed!

How does a faggot fake an orgasm?
He spits on your back!

How do faggots dispose of their condoms?
By farting!

Why can't scientist's discover a cure for AIDS?
Because they can't get the laboratory mice to fuck each other up the arse!

What do you call a gay dentist?
The tooth fairy of course!

Did you ever hear about the two Scottish queers?
Their names were Ben Doon and Phil McCrevis!

Did you ever hear of the two Irish Poofters?
Their names are Patrick Fitzhenry and Henry Fitzpatrick!

Two queers are in a hot tub pushing a big turd back and forth in the water. Another fag walked in and asked, "What the hell are you two doing?"
"We are teaching our baby how to swim!"

Why did the faggot take two aspirin with his viagra?
So sex wouldn't be such a big pain in the arse!

Did you hear about the two queer judges?
They tried each other!

What's a homosexual masochist?
A sucker for punishment!

What do you get if you cross a homo Eskimo and a nigger?
A snowblower that doesn't work!

Have you heard about the new breakfast cereal called Queerios?
Pour milk on them and they eat themselves!

What do you call a homo Jew?
A Heblew!

Did you hear about the faggot truckers?
They exchanged loads!

Two faggots were on a sunny beach. The first one said, "Shall I put the umbrella up?"
"Yes," replied the second homo, "But don't open it, I'm a bit sore!"

What do you call a gay club with no stools?
A fruit stand!

If three faggots are in bed together what do you call the one in the middle?
A double adapter!

What do you call the foreskin on a faggot?

Which is better, being born black or gay?
Black. Because you don't have to tell your parents!

Did you hear about the two queers who were in a telephone box?
They were trying to ring each other!

There was an auto race from San Francisco to Miami between a car full of fags and a car full of lesbians. Who arrived in Miami first?
The lesbians did. They 'Headed' down Highway '69' doing Lickety Split while the fags were still in San Francisco packing their shit!

What's worse than your best friend telling you that he is a queer?
When he tells you that he fucked you up the arse that night when you was drunk at his party!

What's the difference between a straight rodeo and a gay rodeo?

At a straight rodeo everybody yells, "Ride them suckers!

How can you tell if a bank robber is gay?
He ties up the safe and blows the Security Guard!

George and Elton, a pair of homosexual lovers, went hiking. George ducked behind a bush when he felt nature calling. Suddenly he called out, "How terrible! I miscarried! I miscarried! Here is a little arm! There is a little leg! This is so awful!"
"Shut up you idiot!" screamed Elton, "You just shit on a frog!"

What's the biggest crime committed by transvestites?
Male Fraud!

Did you hear about the homo Indian?
He was a brave sucker!

What happened when three queers attacked a woman?
Two of them held her down and the other did her hair!

Did you hear about the homosexual electron?
It went round blowing fuses!

What do you call a homosexual dinosaur?
A Megasorarse!

A guy walks into a homosexual bar. He's a newly discovered gay and has come to find a couple of flings. Anyway, he is sitting at the bar, eating, drinking and checking out the crowd when he has a sudden urge to fart. He looks round and sees other people farting nicely. One 'Pssssttttt' here and another 'Pssssstttt' there. He decides, what the hell, and farts a loud 'Brrrrrttttttt'! All of a sudden, the bar is quiet, and everybody points to him and shouts "VIRGIN!"

Did you hear about the two queers who had an argument in a gay bar?
They went outside and exchanged blows!

What's the hardest thing about AIDS?
Leaving your friends behind!

How do you stop a gay baby from crying?
Put the damn dummy back into it's arse!

Two queers are living together. Bruce goes out to work while Cyril stays at home everyday to do the housework. One day Bruce comes home and finds Cyril with his bum in the fridge.
"What are you doing Cyril?" he asked.
"Oh, Bruce," replied Cyril, "I thought you might like something nice and cool to slip into when you got home!"

Why did the queer think his boyfriend was cheating on him?
Because he kept coming home shitfaced!

What's the worst thing a straight guy can say in a gay bar?
Can you push my stool in please?!

Why do faggots wear ribbed condoms?
For better traction in mud!

Why was the queer sacked from his job in the sperm bank?
He was caught drinking on the job!

What do you give a queer with AIDS for Christmas?

Two queers were taking a shower with each other. The phone rings and Lance says to Rod, "I will be right back darling, so don't start without me!"
After a minute or so Lance comes back, and sees sperm splattered all over the shower wall.
"I thought I told you not to start without me!" he squealed.
"Oh, just relax!" replied Rod, "I didn't start without you, I just farted!"

Two gays were talking when one of them happened to mention that he had got circumcised last week.
"Can I see it?" asked the second queer. So the guy dropped his pants to show off his cock!
"Ohhhhh!" squealed the second turdbasher, "You look ten years younger!"

What's the most amazing thing about AIDS?
It can turn a fruit into a vegetable!

What do you call a gay milkman?
A dairy queen!

An obviously gay guy swished onto a bus to face a derogatory sneer from the massive bus driver.
"Faggot! growled the driver, "Where's your pearls?"
"Pearls with corduroy?" shrieked the gay, "Are you mad!"

How many gays does it take to change a lightbulb?
Seven. One to change the bulb, and six to shriek, "Faaaaaaabulous!"

What do fags call hemorrhoids?
Speed bumps!

How do you know you're at a gay BBQ?
The hotdogs taste like shit!