Morticom hilarious and obscene heaven jokes

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HEAVEN JOKES

(6 gags)

1)
A pedophile dies in a car crash and goes to heaven. He's stopped at the pearly gates by St. Peter, who is really miffed.
"You swine," St Peter said, "How can you have the audacity to try and enter the kingdom of heaven after you have led such a perverted, ungodly life. Do you think you have a chance in hell of meeting God?"
"Fuck God," replied the pervert, "Where the fuck is the baby Jesus?"

2)
Two children, one white and one black, die, and are standing at the pearly gates when they are both approached by St. Peter. St. Peter looks at the white kid and says, "Come into heaven, and go to the first door on the right and pick up your wings."
The white kid looks up excitedly and say's, "Does this mean that I am an angel?" and St. Peter smiles and say's yes.
St. Peter then stands in front of the black kid, and rudely say's, "Get in, go to the door on the left, pick up your wings and report straight back to me!"
With that, the black kid's eyes lit up and he says to St. Peter, "Does this mean that I am an angel?"
"No," replies St. Peter, "your a blowfly!"

3)
St Peter. Is standing at the pearly gates one day when a pair of niggers stroll up.
"Your names are not on today's list.....let me go and ask the boss." St. Peter says. In God's office he tells the Big Man all about the two niggers and God tells St. Peter to tell the niggers to fuck off.
5 minutes later St. Peter runs into God's office and says, "They're gone!"
"The niggers?" God replied, "Good!"
"No," replied St. Peter, "The Pearly Gates!"

4)
A dumb blonde died and went to heaven. When she got there she met St. Peter who said, "Before you can come in heaven you will have to pass a test."
"Oh, No!", the blonde said, but St. Peter said not to worry and he would make it easy.
"Who was God's son?" St. Peter asked her.
The dumb blonde thought for a moment and then replied, "Andy!"
"That's interesting," St. Peter said, "What made you say that?"
Then she started to sing, "Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy he tells me!"

5)
Why wasn't the virgin Mary a blonde?
She wouldn't have been old enough to bear children!

6)
An Englishman, Scotsman and a nigger are driving along when they had a crash and got killed. Later on they arrived in heaven and met St. Peter. They explained that they had been killed and needed a place to stay.
St. Peter replied, "I'd love to help you boy's but we are full up after the holiday season. I'm afraid you will all have to go into limbo until there is a vacancy."
The Englishman slips St. Peter a $50 dollar note and asked if that made any difference.
St. Peter replied, "Just for that pal, I am sending you back to earth!"
By the time the Englishman got back, there were police everywhere and an ambulance. When he sat up they all got a real shock.
"What happened?" asked the paramedic, "You have been dead for half an hour!"
He told them about St. Peter and the $50, so the ambulance driver asked why the other two didn't come back.
"Well," replied the Englishman, "The Scotsman is trying to knock him down to $20 and the nigger reckons the government should pay for it!"