Morticom hilarious and obscene god jokes

Morticom Shop
Enter the weirdest, funniest and most outrageous Shop Here! If You DARE!

GOD JOKES

(21 gags)

1)
Why did God create umbilical cords?
So babies can bungee jump.

2)
God created Adam and Eve and left them alone to get to know each other. After a week, he came back.
"How's it going Adam?" He asked.
"Great!" says Adam, "Eve's just down at the river, cleaning herself up a bit - we've been at it all week."
God looked up at the sky in dismay and exclaimed, "Hell! Now I'll never get the smell out of the fish."

3)
A little Catholic kid was praying as hard as he could.
"God," he prayed, "I really want a car." Jumping up and dashing to the window, he saw that the driveway was empty.
"God," he prayed again, "I really NEED a car." Still no answer to his prayers.
Suddenly, the kid stood up, ran into his parents' bedroom and grabbed up the statuette of the Virgin Mary off the mantelpiece. He wrapped it up in ten layers of paper, using three rolls of tape and a spool of twine, then stuffed it inside a box at the very bottom of his closet.
"Okay God," he said, getting down to his knees again, "if you ever want to see your mother again..."

4)
God had just spent a whole week putting the heavens and the earth together, so he figured he needed a break. He kicked back with his mate, the Archangel Gabriel, opened up a couple of beers and admired his handiwork.
"You know, lord," Gabriel said, "You've done some good fucking shit - huge fucking mountains, mighty oceans, enormous jungles and all those animals.....shit! You've made everything from ants to elephants - magnificent!"
God was pleased and grinned.
"I have just one suggestion," Gabriel continued, "You know those two sample humans you whacked down into the garden of Eden?"
God nodded, looking concerned.
"Well do you reckon it would be a good idea if they had a different set of genitals each, just like all the other animals?"
God went into deep thought for a couple of minutes, then smiled happily.
"You're right, Gabriel," said God, "I'll give the dumb one a cunt!"

5)
Why did God create blondes?
Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge!

6)
What did God say after creating man? "I can do much better!"
What did God say after creating woman? "Guess I was wrong!"

7)
How do we know that God is a man?
Because if God were a woman, sperm would taste like chocolate!

8)
Why did God give women nipples?
To make suckers out of men!

9)
Why did God create orgasms?
So that niggers know when to stop!

10)
Why did God give niggers rhythm?
Because he fucked up their hair, nose and lips!

11)
Why do white people tan if they get the sun, but burn when they get too much?
Because God didn't want any more niggers!

12)
A bitter rivalry for the sexual favours of a beautiful woman had been going on between two friends for years. One day, an angel appeared before one of them and announced that he'd been sent by God to teach the rivals a lesson.
"I'll give you anything you ask for," the angel said, "but whatever you get, your friend will get it, too, only twice as much. If you want wealth, you will have it, but your friend will be twice as rich as you. If you want a big house, he will get one that is twice as big!"
The guy thought for a moment and then grinned. "Okay," he said, "Give me a 15 stone woman and half a marriage license!"

13)
St Peter was standing at the Pearly Gates one day when a pair of niggers stroll up.
"Your names are not on today's list" said St. Peter, "I will go and see the boss and come right back."
In God's office he tells God about the two niggers, and God tells St. Peter to tell the two niggers to fuck off.
St. Peter then takes his leave. Five minutes later St. Peter runs back into God's room and says, "They have gone!"
"The niggers? Good!" replied God.
"No," St. Peter screams, "The Pearly Gates!"

14)
Why did God invent women?
To clean the kitchen and Bathroom!

15)
Why did God make man first?
He didn't want a woman looking over his shoulder!

16)
God decided that he needed a vacation. One of his aides suggested Venus.
"Forget it," God said, "I went there 10,000 years ago and got sunburned!"
Another aide suggested Jupiter.
"No way," God said, "I went there 5,000 years ago and froze my arse off!"
A third advisor suggested Earth.
"That's the worst!" replied God, "I was there 2,000 years ago, and they are still accusing me of knocking up some stupid Jewish bitch!"

17)
What did God say when he made his second nigger?
"OOOPs, I burnt another one!"

18)
Why did God give blondes 2% more brains than horses?
Because he didn't want them shitting in the streets during parades!

19)
One day a woman was walking down the road when she suddenly had a heart attack. She was rushed to hospital where she was found to be dead. After a superhuman effort, the doctor in charge managed to bring her back to life again.
When she awoke she said, "I saw God and he told me that I had another 40 years to live! I am going to make the most of my life now!"
Six months later she decided she wanted to change her whole life, so she had plastic surgery to almost every part of her body. Looking twenty years younger, she walked out of the hospital, crossed the road and got run over by a bus.
The women then went to heaven and stands in front of God.
"I thought you said I would live for another fucking 40 years!" she screamed.
"What can I say?" replied God, "I didn't recognise you!"

20)
One day a blonde woman found herself in financial trouble after her business went bust, so she started resorting to prayer.
"Please god, help me." said the blonde, "I have lost my business and if I don't get some money soon then I will lose my car too. Please let me win the lottery."
She waits for lottery night and watches aghast as someone else wins.
"Please god," prayed the woman a few days later, "Let me win the lottery. I have lost my business, my car and my children are starving."
She waits for lottery night and watches aghast as someone else wins.
"God, why have'nt you helped me?" begged the blonde, "I have lost my business, my car, my house, my children are starving and I have been a good servant all my life. Please let me win the lottery."
Suddenly a blinding flash appeared and the heavens opened up and the blonde is confronted by a huge vision of god.
"Sharon," boomed the godly voice, "meet me half way on this. Buy a fucking ticket!"

21)
Why did God create women?
Because sheep can't cook!