Morticom hilarious and obscene fat jokes
What do fat women and mopeds have in common?
They are both fun to ride but you don't want your friend's to see you on either of them!
A wife went home to her husband and told him that she wanted two thousand dollars for a breast enlargement.
"You want two grand for what?" he replied.
"For a breast enlargement!" she said.
"Listen," replied her husband, "Why don't you wipe toilet paper between your tits every day!"
"Why," she asked, "Will that make them bigger?"
"Well it did wonders for your big fat arse didn't it!" he laughed.
Mick, a 400 pound country boy had a lot of trouble getting dates with girls. His friends, however, found a 350 pound girl who seemed willing to go out with him. Before his first date, Mick's friend's advised him to be nice to her at first.
"Compliment her on something." They told him, "Chicks always like to hear good things about themselves!"
Mick decided to give it a try, so he left to pick up his hefty honey. His friends were surprised when Mick returned an hour later, all alone.
"What happened?" his friends asked.
"I dunno," Mick replied, "After walking her from the door to the car, I took your advice, and she ran off crying."
"What did you say to her Mick?" his friends asked.
"I told her that for a fat, ugly broad, she didn't sweat so much!" cried Mick.
How do you know when you are just TOO fat?
Your car has stretch marks!
How do you know when your woman is too fat?
When she needs an hour to take a shit - 45 minutes just to line her arse up!
There was a guy who really loved fat women. He would always go nuts over them. He went to a bar one night and noticed a fat woman walk in. Well he literally wet his pants, so he went over to her and eventually ended up at her house, and sweet talked his way into her bed.
Anyway, they started fucking away and after awhile the guy says, "Can we turn the light off please?"
"Why," said the fat woman, "Am I that ugly?"
"No," replied the guy, "It's just that while I'm fucking you I keep burning my arse on the lightbulb!"
How do you find a fat girl's cunt?
You flip through the folds until you smell shit, and then go back one!
How do you fuck a fat girl?
Roll her in flour and head for the wet spot!
An overweight blonde woman went to see her doctor one day, so that she could get some advice about going on a diet.
"Okay," said the doctor, "I recommend that you eat regularly for two days, then skip a day. Repeat this for two weeks and the next time that you see me you should have lost t least 5 pounds."
Two weeks later the blonde see's her doctor again. She gets on the scales and the doctor is happy to see that she has lost nearly 30 pounds.
"So you followed my instructions then?" asked the doctor.
"Yes," the blonde nodded,"but I can tell you I thought I was going to drop dead on the third day!"
"From the hunger you mean?" asked the doctor, confused.
"No," replied the blonde, "From skipping all day!"
How can you tell when your girlfriend is too fat?
When she sits on your face and you can't hear the stereo!
How can you tell when your overweight?
When you step on your dog's tail and it dies!