Morticom hilarious and obscene disabled jokes

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(96 gags)

What do you do if an epileptic has a fit in the bath?
Throw your dirty washing in!

How do teach a paraplegic to swim?
Weld his wheelchair to a submarine!

What do you call a spastic on a trampoline?
Spring cabbage!

What do you get if you put a leper in a hot bath?

Did you hear about the three lepers playing cards?
One of them had bad cards so he threw his hand in. The second lost all his money so he cried his eyes out and the third won so he laughed his head off!

Three disabled men enter a swimming contest. The first has no arms. The second has no legs, and the third has no body, just a head. They all line up, the whistle blows and "SPLASH!" they are all in the pool.
The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly, but the guy with no legs is closing fast. Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see the bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool where the head is. He dives down and rescues the head, where upon the head starts coughing and spluttering.
Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts, "Three fucking years I have spent learning to swim with my fucking ears, then two minutes before the race, some bastard puts a fucking swimming cap on me!"

Why do niggers smell?
So blind people can hate them as well!

What sign does an epileptic nigger where around his neck?
"I am not breakdancing!"

Poor little Johnny had been blind from birth. One night before he went to bed, his mother told him that the next day was very special. She told him if he prayed very hard to God, he would be able see when he woke up. Johnny was very excited and prayed very hard for two hours.
The next morning, Johnny's mum came into his room. She smiled at her son and said, "Wake up Johnny. Open your eyes and all your prayers will be answered!"
Johnny opened his eyes and began screaming, "Mother, mother, I still can't see!"
"I know darling," said his mother, "April Fool!"

A couple are in the maternity ward of the hospital, waiting to see their first born child. The doctor comes in and says, "I have some bad news for you. Your child has been born with severe deformities."
The mother looks at the doctor and says, "Does he have legs?" "Well," replied the doc,"It's worse than that."
The mother asks, "Does he have arms?" "Well," replied the doctor, "It's worse than that. I think you had better come and see for yourself."
The doctor takes the couple to the intensive care ward, and there, lying all by itself on a bed, is a massive eye.
"Here is your child," the doc says, "I told you it was severe. All there is of him is an eye."
The father replies, "Well we will love him anyway!"
"That's not the worse news." The doc said, "It's blind!"

A deaf mute nervously approached the chemist shop counter to buy some condoms. He opened his fly, placed his cock on the counter, pointed to it and put $5.00 next to it.
With an understanding nod, the chemist whipped out his cock, laid it beside the other mans, grinned in triumph, took the cash and walked away.

A man applied for a job with the council, but failed the medical because he didn't have any balls. Finally he managed to convince the doctor and the boss that it wouldn't make any difference to the way he worked.
"OK," said the boss, "you can take the job, but just one thing, you have to start at 8am every morning."
"Why," asked the man, "every one else starts at 7:30 am."
"Yeah," replied the boss, "but they stand around for half an hour scratching their balls!"

A guy with three eyes, no arms, and one leg is hitch hiking.
An Englishman pulls over and say's "Aye,Aye,Aye! You look 'armless! 'op in!"

There was a man in a mental hospital. All day he would put his ear to the wall and listen. The doctor would watch the guy do this day after day.
So, the doctor finally decided to see what this man was listening to, so he put his ear up to the wall and listened. He heard nothing. So he turned the mental patient and said, "I don't hear anything!"
The mental patient replied, "Yeah, I know. It's been like that for months!"

Did you hear about the schizophrenic with multiple personalities who tried to kill himself?
The police treated it as a hostage situation!

This guy is working in the middle of Alaska for 6 moths and finally gets a couple of days vacation in the big city. He goes down to the local brothel, but there is only one girl left and she had a bad dose of scabies and one eye.
The guy was really desperate for a fuck and he had to put his cock into something, so the girl offered to take out her glass eye and let him fuck her socket.
After having the best shag of his life, the guy promised that he would be back again the next time he was on vacation.
The girl said, "Sure mister. I'll keep an eye out for you!"

What did the leper say to the prostitute?
You can keep the tip!

Why was the leper prostitute going bankrupt?
All her business was dropping off!

Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist?
He sold his soul to Santa!

What's small, green and falls apart?
A leperchaun!

What's the best thing about schizophrenia?
It turns a wank into an orgy!

Three pregnant women were happily knitting in a doctors waiting room. After awhile one of them puts down her wool and swallowed a pill, "I take iron so my baby wont be anaemic." She said.
The next mum to be stopped knitting and then popped a tablet of her own, "I take calcium so my baby will have strong bones."
A few minutes later, the third expectant mother laid down her needles and emptied half a bottle of pills down her throat. "I take thalidomide," she says, "I don't know how to knit sleeves!"

Two men were inspecting a high rise building and started talking to the worker. "I'll show you how to make some easy money," said the workman, "watch this!" He dropped a brick off the building and yelled, "Falling Brick!"
A lady moved out of the way and the three men rushed down to se if she was all right.
"Oh," said the lady, "thanks for the warning, here's $50.00."
The inspectors thought this was great. When they got back to the top of the building the first inspector threw a brick off, yelled, "Falling brick!" and pocketed $100.00.
The second inspector had a stutter
, but he liked a bit of fun.
"I'll-l-l h-h-avh a g-g-go." He said. He pushed the brick off and yelled, "F-f-f......Fuck, I got him!"

There was a lady with no arms or legs sitting on the beach enjoying the sun and surf, when this man walks up and says, "Hey, lady have you ever been kissed before?"
"No." the lady replied.
"Well," said the man, "Have you ever been licked before?"
"No." the lady said again.
"Hmmm," asked the man, "have you ever been fucked before?"
"No, I haven't. But I would like to!" said the lady.
"Well, bitch, you are now! The tide is coming in!"

A Mongoloid husband comes home from work and sits down at the kitchen table, hungry for dinner. Soon enough, his Mongoloid wife puts down in front of him a plate with a piece of meat on it, nothing else.
"Darling, where are the vegetables?" he asks.
"Oh," says his wife, "they haven't got back from school yet!"

A hunchback is running along the street being chased by a bunch of children.
He stops, turns and shouts, "Will you all get lost, I haven't got your ball!"

A midget went into a whorehouse. None of the girls really wanted to serve him, so finally they drew lots and Misty was unlucky and went up to the room with him. A minute later there was a loud scream.
The madam and all of the girls charged up the stairs and into the room. Misty lay on the bed in a dead faint. Standing next to the bed was the midget, totally nude, with a three foot cock hanging down touching the floor. The girls were dumbfounded by the sight.
Finally one of them regained her composure and said, "Sir would you mind if we felt it? We have never seen anything like that before."
The midget sighed, "Okay honey, but only touching, no sucking. I used to be six feet tall!"

When I asked her to the prom she just looked at me and giggled and smiled. When I asked her to dance, she just looked at me, giggled and smiled. When I asked her to move in with me she just looked at me, giggled and smiled. When I asked her to kiss me she just looked at me, giggled and smiled. When I asked her to make love to me she just looked at me, giggled and smiled. When I asked her to marry me she just looked at me, giggled and smiled. When I asked her if she would bear my children she just looked at me, giggled and smiled.
That's when I realised she was a fucking retard!

In little Johnny's class at school there was a kid with no arms or legs, called Matthew. One day after school, Johnny goes round his house and knocks on the door. Matthews mother answers the door and says, "Yes Johnny, what can I do for you?"
"Can Matthew come out," asked Johnny, "We are all skipping in the park."
Matthews mother says, "But Johnny, you know he has no arms or legs."
"Yeah I know," says little Johnny, "I just want to see his stumps bleed!"

What is black and sits at the top of the stairs?
A quadriplegic after a house fire!

What do you do after you rape a 12 year old deaf and mute girl?
Break her fingers so she can't tell her mother!

What turns a 100 pound weakling into a 250 pound man of steel?

Three retards are walking along the street when they come across a dog turd.
The first one sticks his eye in it and says to the others, "It looks like doggie poo!"
The second one sticks his nose in it and says to the others, "It smells like doggie poo!"
The third one licks it and says to the others, "It sure tastes like it, good thing we didn't stand in it!"

What do you call a nigger with no arms or legs?

Why don't the blind go parachuting?
It scares the fuck out of the guide dog!

What do you call a stoned epileptic?
Shake and Bake!

Two friends are drinking in a pub one night. "God, there are some stupid spastics on the road tonight!" said the first.
"Yeah I know," said the second, "I ran over six already tonight!"

What's the best thing about Alzheimer's disease?
You make new friends every day!

How can you tell if a valentine is from a leper?
The tongue is still on the envelope!

Why did the sweet little girl fall off the swing?
She had no arms!

What is more fun than the IRA blowing up a bus load of children?
Blowing up a building full of spastics!

What's more fun than raping a quadriplegic?
Raping and killing a spastic!

What's charred and stands between two sticks?
A burnt cripple!

What's blue and doesn't fit?
A dead epileptic!

What do you say to a woman with no arms or legs?
Nice tits!

What do you call a woman with no arms or legs who gives good head?
Partially disabled!

There was a farmer and his son who ran the ranch by themselves. One day when the son was in the field, a terrible accident happened, and the son lost an eye. The old farmer was too poor to buy his son a glass eye, so he made one out of finely polished oak wood and hand painted it.
It was many years before the son was exposed to the public, and the local farmers were holding a square dance for their sons and daughters. That night the boy got all dressed up and went to the dance, where he spent most of the night bored, sitting in the corner all by himself.
Suddenly he spotted a girl in the other corner who had a harelip. He thought to himself, "Now that's a girl who would understand me!", so he walked over to the girl.
"Would you like to dance?", he said.
The girl replied, "Would I!"
The boy shouted, "I didn't call you cunt face did I?"

An old blind man was standing in the corner when his guide dog cocked his leg and pissed all over the mans trousers. The man reached into his pocket and pulled out a dog biscuit.
"You shouldn't reward him for doing something like that,"said a passer-by, "He will never learn!"
"I'm not rewarding him," said the blind man, "I'm just trying to find his mouth so I can kick him up the arse!"

What's the hardest thing about cooking vegetables in a microwave?
Getting the wheelchair through the door!

What is the difference between a midget and a freak?
Political correctness!

What is the best part of marrying a woman with leprosy?
She can only give you lip once!

The horny midget found that the best way to score with women was to be totally direct about it. So he went up to this tall, beautiful, blonde woman and said, "Hey honey, what would you say to a little fuck?"
She looked down on him and said, "Hello little fuck!"

What's green and sits in a wheelchair?
A dead, moldy spastic!

What's green and melts in your mouth?
A dead lepers cock!

Did you hear about the leper hockey game?
There was a face off in the corner!

Two dwarfs decide to treat themselves to a night out at a brothel. When they arrive at the brothel they are given a woman each and they both go into separate bedrooms.
The first dwarf is disappointed, however, as he cannot get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that he hears "One, Two, Three....Hup!" coming from his friends room.
In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?"
The first whispered back, "It was so embarrassing. I couldn't get a hard on!"
The second dwarf shook his head, "You think that's embarrassing," he asked, "I couldn't even get on the fucking bed!"

How do deaf people have phone sex?
By fax!

How does a blind skydiver know when he is getting close to the ground?
The leash on his guide dog goes slack!

What's the difference between fucking a girl with arms and fucking a girl without arms?
If your fucking a girl with no arms and your dick slips out, you have to put it back yourself!

What sits at the bottom of the bed and constantly takes the piss?
A kidney dialysis machine!

Two paraplegics in an acid bath!

What is a blonde's chronic speech impediment?
She just can't say NO!

Where do paraplegics go to meet their parents?
The vegetable garden!

What's more fun than donating money to the spastic society?
Running through a crowded mall with a hammer and making some!

What's the difference between a corn farmer with epilepsy and a blonde diarrhoea?
One shucks between fits!

Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
Because you can park in the disabled zone!

How did the one armed blonde get out of the tree?
Someone waved at her!

Mummy, mummy can I have a bike for Christmas?
Shut up son, you already have your wheelchair!

Mummy, mummy can I go swimming?
Shut up son, you know iron lungs don't float!

Mummy, mummy can I buy a new sweater?
Shut up son, you know it won't fit over your iron lung!

Mummy, mummy why do other kids tell me I have a long nose?
You don't, but lift up your head or you will scrape the floor!

Mummy, mummy why do they call me spastic at school?
Shut up son and take your legs out of your pockets!

Mummy, mummy my teacher says that my head is too big!
Shut up son and get your hat from the garage so your father can bring the car in!

Mummy, mummy the kids next door keep calling me a three headed dragon!
Shut up son and don't worry. Three heads are always better than one!

Mummy, mummy Julie won't come skipping with me!
Don't be cruel son, you know it makes her stumps bleed!

What's the definition of bad acne?
Waking up in the park with a blind man reading your face!

What do you say to a one legged hitchhiker?
"Hop in!"

What do you call a man with no legs?

What do you call a woman with one leg?

What did the leper say to prostitute?
"You can keep the tip!"

Why shouldn't there be any handicapped jokes?
Because if it weren't for the handicapped, we would never get decent car park spaces!

What do you get if an epileptic falls into a lettuce patch?
Seizure salad!

A mongoloid husband comes home from work and sits down at the table, hungry for dinner. Soon enough, his mongoloid wife puts down in front of him a plate with a piece of meat on it.
"Where are the vegetables?" he asked.
"Oh," replied the wife, "They are not home from school yet!"

A man was leaning out of his balcony one day when his glass eye fell out of his eye socket and dropped 10 floors. Lucky for him though, a woman caught it. The man ran down the ten floors, went up to the woman and thanked her.
The man then said, "Would you like to go on a date with me?"
"Are you always so quick to ask a woman on date?" said the woman.
"Oh, No," replied the man, "Only the ones who catch my eye!"

Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp?
He bought himself a warehouse!

Two deaf people get married and find out on their wedding night that they cannot communicate with the lights off, not being able to sign language or read lips.
"Honey," the woman signed to her new husband, "why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast once. If you don't want to have sex then reach over and squeeze my right breast once."
The husband thinks about it for a moment then says, "Okay, but if you want to have sex with me, reach over and pull on my penis once, but if you don't want to have sex with me reach over and pull on my penis 250 times!"

One day a man, suffering from a wooden leg and a bald head is surprised to learn that he has been invited to a fancy dress ball. Deciding that he may pull a woman if he wears a costume to hide his false leg and bald head he writes to a large costume company asking them for advice.
A few days later he received a parcel with a note that said, "Dear sir, please find enclosed a pirates costume. The spotted hankerchief will cover your bald head and your wooden leg will look just right as a buccaneer."
The man is deeply insulted by this so he sends a letter back to the costume company, complaining of his treatment.
A week later another parcel arrives on his doorstep with a note that said, "Dear sir, we are sorry about our previous suggestion so please find enclosed a monks costume. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and your bald head will look just right at the party."
Again the man is deeply insulted so he writes the company another letter of complaint.
The next day he received a very tiny parcel and a roughly written note, "Dear sir, please find enclosed a tin of treacle. Pour the treacle over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple you grumpy old twat!"

One day George, who had a bad wink problem with one of his eyes attended an interview with a top city company, but throughout the whole interview George constantly winked at the interviewer.
"We would love to hire you, George," said the interviewer, "But to be quite honest your winking is just too distracting."
"Hold on," replied George, "I can stop the winking by taking just two aspirin!" Reaching into his pocket he pulled out a dozen packets of condoms and placed them on the desk, before finding two aspirin. He then took the tablets and his winking instantly stopped.
"That's all well and good," said the interviewer, "But we don't condone womanising here!"
"No, No," replied George, "You've got it all wrong. Have you ever asked for aspirins at the chemist's while you're winking?"

What do elephants use as vibrators?

Whats blue and doesn't fit any more?
A dead epileptic.

What goes "ha ha ha ha ha ha ha klunk"?
A leper laughing his head off.

What is the worst thing that can happen to a leper?
An epileptic fit.

One day a 3ft dwarf jumped into an elevator and just as the doors were closing a huge man jumped in with him.
"Wow," said the dwarf, "You're the biggest guy I have ever seen!"
The man looked down at the dwarf and replied, "I am 6 foot 9, I weigh 275 pounds and I have 16 inches. I'm Turner Brown!"
Instantly the dwarf faints and collapses on the floor of the elevator. A few minutes later, after coming to, the dwarf looked up at the huge man and said, "Can you say that again?"
"Sure," smiled the man, "I said I am 6 foot 9, I weigh 275 pounds and I have 16 inches. My name is Turner Brown!"
"Thank god for that!" said the dwarf, "for a minute there I thought you said 'Turn Around!"'

One night a beautiful girl was driving her sportscar around the countryside when her car suddenly broke down for no reason. Seeing a light a short distance away, she made her way to a farm and knocked on the door.
The door opened and an elderly farmer appeared. "What do you wan't then girl?" asked the farmer.
"Oh, thank god," replied the girl, "My car has broken down, can I stay the night here until someone comes for me in the morning?"
"Hmmmm," said the farmer suspiciously, "Alright then. But don't you mess with my boys, Wilbur and Walter!"
The two boys, Wilbur and Walter suddenly appeared behind their father and, although severly mentally handicapped, they were both quite handsome and strapping young men.
The girl agreed to leave the two disabled men alone and was shown to the guest room.
After going to bed the girl felt really horny and couldn't get the idea of the two young men in the room next to her out of her head, so she got up and knocked on their bedroom door.
"Wilbur, Walter," whispered the girl, "Would you like me to show you facts of life?"
"Duhhhh?" replied Walter, "Wots thet thun?"
"I will show you just as long as you both wear a condom," said the girl, "I don't want to get pregnant and have a baby, do you understand? I want you both to fuck me!"
The two young retards finally understand what was happening and both agree and the girl is fucked time after time all night long.
Anyway 40 years later Wilbur and Walter are fondly remembering the only sex they ever got in their lives when Wilbur says, "Duhhh, It were bwilliant, but I only have one qweston."
"Duhhh, what's that?" replied Walter.
"Duhhh, Do ya care if thut woman got a baby?" asked Wilbur.
"Duhhhh, no I's don't!" replied Walter.
"I don't either!" said Wilbur, "Lets take these here condoms off now!"

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to arrive so that they can get on their way. Finally, the pilot and the co-pilot make their way out of the terminal and begin walking across the tarmac towards the plane. It does not go unnoticed that both appear to be blind. The pilot is clutching a white cane and only narrowly avoids being flattened by an incoming 747, whilst the co-pilot is being dragged down the runway by a guide dog. Both men have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses.
At first, the passengers giggle nervously, thinking it must be some sort of practical joke, as the pair jostle their way aboard.
After a few minutes, the engines power up and the aircraft begins to move down the runway. Looking decidedly uneasy, the passengers begin to turn towards the stewardesses for reassurance, but suddenly the plane accelerates rapidly and pure panic sets in. Some passengers start praying, while others get down on the floor. As the plane speeds closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices become more and more hysterical, until finally, when the plane has less than 20ft of runway left to go, everyone screams at once... and at the very last moment the nose begins to lift and the plane takes gracefully to the sky.
Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breaths a huge sigh of relief, turns to the pilot and says, "You know, one of these days those fuckers aren't going to scream and we're gonna get killed!" - Arts, Crafts and Collectables
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