Morticom hilarious and obscene celebrity jokes

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(58 gags)

What has 400 legs and no pubic hairs?
The audience at a Hanson Concert!

What did Salman Rushdie say before he crashed his car into a sewage truck?
Oh Shiite!

What's black and crispy and comes on a stick?
Joan of Arc!

What's the difference between Christopher Reeve and O J Simpson?
Christopher Reeve GOT the electric chair!

What's the smartest thing that ever came out of a woman's mouth?
Einstein's Cock!

What does Nicole Simpson and Rodney King have in common?
They both just didn't listen!

Why can't Barbie get pregnant?
Because Ken comes in another box!

Have you seen Roman Polanski's new film?
It's called 'Close encounters of the third grade!'

Why was John Wayne's toilet paper taken off the market?
Because it was rough, tough and didn't take any shit from any arsehole!

Did you hear that Lorena Bobbitt died in a car accident?
Some prick cut her off!

What did Jeffrey Dahmer say to Lorena Bobbitt?
"You gonna eat that?"

David Copperfield is doing his magic show and asks if anyone would like to show him a trick.
"I will," replies a guy from the audience, "but I'm gonna need your wife on a table."
"OK," says David and the guy walks on-stage.
He then bends Claudia Shaeffer over the table, pulls down her undies and starts to fuck her from behind.
David is now very pissed off and says, "That isn't a trick!"
The guy looks at David and shouts, "I know, but it's fucking magic!"

a) "You don't need to see my goddam identification, 'cause these ain't the motherfuckin' droids you're lookin for!"
b) "Womp rat may taste like pumpkin pie, but I'll never know, 'cause even if it did I wouldn't eat the filthy motherfucker!"
c) "This is your father's light sabre. When you absolutely, positively, have to kill every motherfuckin' stormtrooper in the room......accept no substitutes!"
d) "If Obi-Wan ain't home then I don't know what the fuck I'm gonna do. I ain't got no other connections on Tattooine!"
e) "Feel the Force, motherfucker!"
f) "Does Jabba the Hutt look like a bitch?....Jabba the Hutt don't like to be fucked by anyone, except Mrs Hutt!"
g) "Hand me my's the one that says, 'Bad Mother Fucker!'"

Did you hear about Martina Navratilova's new book?
Its called 'How I licked all them cunts at Wimbledon'

Did you hear that Neil Diamond and Sid Vicious have written a song together?
Its called 'You don't bring me flowers anymore, you cunt!'

Why does Mike Tyson always have tears in his eyes after sex?

What's yellow and ugly and sleeps alone?
Yoko Ono!

What does Bones McCoy from Star Trek say before he performs brain surgery on a blonde?
"Space..... The final frontier"

What's the difference between the Grand Old Duke Of York and a blonde?
The Grand Old Duke Of York only had one thousand men!

Where did Vanessa William's parents pose nude?
National Geographic!

What do you call a conversation between Jesse Jackson and James Brown?

How come Jesse Jackson lost most of the black vote?
He promised to create jobs for them if he won!

"But Holmes," said Dr Watson, "If the murder was committed in the kitchen, as you have deducted, how do you account for all the blood stains on the Louis XIV parlour chair?"
The master sleuth replied, "Elementary, my good is period furniture!"

In Montana, on the site where Custer and his men were massacred by the Sioux indians, a huge mural is to be painted.
The artist insisted on complete secrecy. When the mural was unveiled it showed an orgy of naked indians screwing all over The prairie, and in the centre of the mural was a cow with a halo.
The artist named the painting "Custer's final thought - Holy cow! Look at all those fucking indians!"

Lorena Bobbitt had just cut off her husbands dick. She was driving down the road, wondering what to do with it, when the thought struck her to toss it out of the window. The penis bounced off the windscreen of the car travelling in the opposite direction.
"Shit," said the other driver to his passenger, "What kind of bug was that?"
"Dunno," replied the passenger, "But did you see the size of the cock on it!"

Sammy Davis Jnr stepped onto a bus in Jacksonville, and the bus driver said, "Nigger, get to the back of the bus!"
"But I'm Jewish!" protested Sammy.
"Get off!" said the driver!

Did you hear about the blonde who gave Ray Charles front row tickets to see Marcel Marceau!

What does Picasso and Princess Anne have in common?
Blue periods!

How do you fit the Beatles into a mini?
Two in the front, two in the back and John Lennon in the ashtray!

What's wrinkled and smells of ginger? Fred Astaire's face!

One day Cliff Richard is performing live on stage on the last leg of his successful tour in Japan. At the end of the show Cliff asks the audience if there is any song that he could sing for them.
"Tits and Fanny!" screamed the crowd.
"Tits and Fanny?" replied Cliff, "I can't sing that, I'm a devout christian!"
"Tits and Fanny!" screamed the crowd again.
"What about 'Devil woman' or 'Livin' Doll', at least something I know!" replied Cliff.
"Tits and Fanny!" screamed the audience, "We only want to hear Tits and Fanny!"
"Alright!" replied Cliff, trying to maintain his cool, "Tell me how it goes and I will try and sing it for you!"
"Tits and Fanny," sings the crowd, "how we don't talk anymore...........!"

In Buckingham palace one evening, the Royal family decided to have a game of 20 questions. Eventually it is the Queen's turn and after a quick discussion the rest of the family returns sniggering, for the object that the Queen has to guess is a horses cock.
"Off you go then Lizzy!" said Prince Philip, trying not to laugh out loud.
"Errr," replied the Queen, "is it bigger than a bread box?"
"Yes," replied Princess Anne, snorting quietly, "It's a lot bigger!"
"Ummmm," said the Queen, "do you think I could fit it in my mouth?"
"No!" giggled Prince Charles, "you couldn't!"
"Oh!" said the Queen, "It's a horses cock!"

Bill died and went to heaven, where he was met by an angel who led him to a large warehouse. Each wall was lined with thousands and thousands of clocks.
"Each clock," said the angel, "represents a persons lifetime!"
Suddenly the hands on one of the clocks began to spin around furiously, taking an hour off the time.
"What was that?" asked Bll.
The angel explained that that each time someone acted like a wanker, an hour was knocked off their lives.
The pair carried on walking when Bill asked the angel if it could be possible to see the famous pop star, Michael Jackson's clock.
"Oh course," said the angel, "but you will have to come into the office. We have been using it as fan during this hot spell!"

Why doesn't Michael Barrymore have any ashtrays in his house?
Because he puts his fags out in the pool!

What do you get if you put three dogs and a black bitch in the same room?
The Spice Girls!

What do you call a dog with three pricks?
'Take That' featuring Lulu!

One day John Howard, the Australian Prime Minister, visited the Queen at Buckingham Palace and over a cup of tea he started talking about Australia.
"Your majesty," asked Howard, "can we turn Australia into a kingdom, in order to increase it's force in the world market?"
The Queen shook her head and said, "One needs a king if one is to have a kingdom, Mr Howard, and unfortunately you are most certainly not a King!"
"Well," said Howard unshaken, "would it be possible to just transform Australia into an Empire then?"
The Queen shook her head again and said, "To have an Empire one must have an Emperor, Mr Howard, and you are most certainly not an Emperor!"
Howard thinks for a moment and asks if it would be possible for his country to become a prinipality.
The Queen again shakes her head and says, "For a Principality you need a Prince, Mr Howard, and you are and never will be a Prince!"
After finishing their tea and biscuits the Queen looks over to Mr. Howard and says, "I don't mean to appear rude, but having met both you and several more Australians, I think that Australia is perfectly suited as a country!"

During the trial of Peter Sutcliffe, the Yorkshire Ripper, the judge asked him to stand up while he read the verdict of the jury. "You have been found guilty of murdering a woman with a hammer." the judge said sternly.
"You lying fucking bastard!" screamed a man from the gallery.
The judge stared at the man in astonishment, before turning back to the mass murderer to continue his verdict.
"You have also been found guilty of killing many more women with a stanley knife." said the judge.
"You miserable fucking shit!" screamed the man from the gallery.
"Sir," the judge said, "I am seconds away from charging you with bringing the court into disrepute. Can you kindly explain your outrageous interruptions?"
"Well," shouted the man, "I lived next door to that fucking cunt Sutcliffe for 20 years, and when did he ever have a tool when I needed one?"

How does Jennifer Lopez change a light bulb?
She holds it in the air and the world revolves around her!

Did you hear that MacDonalds has a new kids happy meal? You get a chip, a sesame seed and an ice cube.
It's called the Ally McBeal Deal!

What is two feet tall, black and stands at the end of a baby cot?
Gary Glitter's boots!

Why does Mike Tyson always cry after sex?
Mace does that to you!

One day Tiger Woods, the famous golfer, was touring the golf courses in Ireland when he ran low on fuel for his big Mercedes, so he pulled over to the nearest petrol station.
"Hi there," said Tiger to the petrol attendant, "Can you fell her up?"
"Oh shure I ken!" replied the attendant and he started filling Tiger's car up with fuel.
Tiger got out of his car to stretch his legs when two wooden tees fell out of his pocket onto the ground.
"Sweet Mary," said the Irish attendant, "And what would they be then?"
Tiger looked down and said, "They are for putting my balls on when I'm driving."
"Bejasus," cried the attendant, "those fellas at Mercedes tink of everting!"

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go away on a weekend camping trip. As they lay down for the night the great detective said, "Watson, look up into the night sky and tell me what you can see."
"Why I can see millions and millions of stars, Holmes." replied Watson.
"And what does that tell you?" asked Holmes.
"Many things, Holmes." replied Watson, "Astronomically it tells me that there are billions of galaxes in the cosmos. Theologically it tells me that God is truly great and that we are nothing but insignificant beings. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a good chance of a beautiful day tomorrow. But I doubt that any of these observations match your power of deduction Holmes."
Holmes gave an incredulous glance at his friend and said, "My dear Watson, someone has stolen the tent!"

One day Prince Edward was walking through a forest when he suddenly found a beautiful, naked woman lying on the grass fingering herself.
Not believing his luck he approached her and said, "Excuse me, but are you game?"
"Yes I am." the woman replied sexily.
So Prince Edward shot her!

One day Tarzan met Jane and Jane was asking him loads of questions about his life. Eventually she started asking about his sex life.
"What's that?" Tarzan asked.
Jane explained to Tarzan what sex was and Tarzan replied, "Ohhhh, well I use a hole in the side of a tree trunk!"
"No," said Jane, "you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly!"
Jane then got undressed, laid down on the ground and opened her long legs wide.
"Here," Jane said sexily, "you must put it in here!"
Tarzan then removed his loincloth walked over to Jane and in one swift move he kicked her as hard as he could in the crotch.
Jane rolled around in agony, screaming loudly and gasping for breath when eventually she managed to say, "What the fuck did you do that for?"
"Oh," replied Tarzan innocently, "just checking for bees!"

What does Ringo Starr and Ben Affleck have in common?
They are both fucking shit singers!

One fine evening Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were walking through Hyde Park when they passed three women sitting on a bench eating bananas.
"Good evening ladies." said Sherlock Holmes.
"Holmes,"Watson asked, "Do you know those ladies?"
"No," replied Holmes, "I have never met the nun, prostitute or newlywed bride in my life."
"Good lord," Watson exclaimed, "how did you know that we passed by a nun and a prostitute and a newlywed bride?"
"It's elementary my dear Watson." replied Holmes, "The nun was eating her banana by holding it with one hand and using the other to break off little pieces. The prostitute held the banana with both hands and crammed the whole thing down her throat."
"Absolutely incredible!" stuttered Watson, "But how did you know that the third woman was a newlywed?"
"Easy!" replied Holmes, "The newlywed bride was holding the banana with one hand and using her other hand to push her head towards it!"

What is green and slimy and smells of Pork?
Kermit the frog's penis!

Why does Miss Piggy douche with vinegar and honey?
Because Kermit likes sweet and sour pork!

What's the definition of Endless Love?
Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles playing tennis.

Why haven't they cremated Colonel Sanders yet?
They haven't decided on regular or extra crispy.

What's blue and sings alone?
Dan Ackroyd.

What is the difference between Wayne Gretsky and Courtney Love? -
Wayne Gretsky showers after 3 periods.

Okay, I want you to blink your left eye, then your right eye, and then both at the same time. What is this an example of?
Christopher Reeves doing the Macarena!

What's worse than the pimples on Jeffrey Dahmer's face?
The blackheads in his refridgerator.

What do Vegetarian Maggots eat?
Linda McCartney.

When John Candy died they found out he was dealing drugs.
They pulled down his pants and found 50 pounds of crack.

It's judgement day and three of the worlds most notorious criminals Jeffrey Dahmer, Ronnie Kray and Fred West are standing in front of Satan in the waiting room at the gates of hell.
"Before you are thrown to hell," said Satan, "You can each have a glass of your favourite beer!"
"I would like a Budweiser!" shouted Dahmer, and just as he finished drinking it he fell into the fiery pit.
"I'd like a pint of Stella!" wept Kray, and just as he swallowed the last drop he fell into the fiery furnace of hell.
"What would you like then Fred?" asked Satan.
"Mmmmmmmm," replied Fred West, "I could murder some Tennants!"

Spice girl, Victoria Beckham and her chauffeur wre driving down a country lane one evening when a cow suddenly stepped in front of the Mercedes and was killed instantly!
Posh Spice then told the driver to go the farm and tell the owners what had happened.
After a couple of hours the driver returned, staggering along the road, his clothes in tatters, with a huge smile on his face.
"Where the hell were you?" asked Victoria, "What happened?"
"Well," the driver slurred, "The farmer gave me some expensive wine, and then he gave me a cuban cigar and then he gave his daughter who made passionate love to me!"
"Oh my god!" said Victoria, "What did you say to them?"
"Well," replied the driver, "I told them that I was Victoria Beckham's driver and that I had just killed the cow!" - Arts, Crafts and Collectables
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