Morticom hilarious and obscene bar jokes

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BAR JOKES

(27 gags)

1)
Two guys in a bar. One says to the other, "My wife and I split up because we had too much in common!"
"Is that so?" said the other.
"Yeah, we both liked to eat pussy!"

2)
A man was standing at the bar drinking when a Vietnamese guy walked up behind him, yelled, "Aaaaah-ha" and hit him across the back of the neck, knocking him out cold.
"When he wakes up, tell him I know Kung Fu!" the Vietnamese man said to the bartender, then he left.
A while later, having come around and given the mysterious message, the bloke was just about to order his drink to numb the pain in his head when another cry of "Ahhhhh-Ha" rang out. Once more the man hit the floor after being decked from behind, and once again the assailant gave the bartender the same message before vanishing.
Half an hour later the Vietnamese man reappeared. Looking around, he asked where the man had gone and was told that he had staggered away, looking sort of green around the gills.
The Vietnamese man shrugged, ordered a beer and was just about to take a sip when a loud "Ahhhh-Ha" sounded behind him. In an instant he was flat on the floor, out like a light.
"When he comes to, "The bloke said to the barman, "Tell him I know crowbar, mitre10, $9.95!"

3)
A guy walks into a bar, puts his pet rabbit upon the mahogany, and starts drinking. While he is drinking, the rabbit starts doing little rabbit pellets on the bar.
After awhile, he leaves, and another guy, a real loudmouth, walks in. He says," Hey bartender, give me a drink for me, for you, what do you say, there's nothing to do."
He has a few drinks, and the whole time he's running his mouth, annoying the bartender.
Finally, he spots the rabbit pellets. He says, "Hey bartender, what are these?"
The bartender say's, "They are smart pills."
The loud mouth replies, "Can I try a few?"
The bartender says yes and the loudmouth starts popping a few into his mouth, chews for awhile, then spits them out and shouts, "Yuck! These taste like shit!"
The bartender says, "Your getting smarter already!"

4)
Down at the pub a drunk was telling his drinking buddy, "I will never forget the first time I turned to drink as a substitute for women."
"Yeah, what happened?" said his friend.
"I got my dick stuck in the bottle neck!" he answered.

5)
A guy goes up to a bartender and says, "Gimme a gin and tonic." The bartender reached below the bar and puts an apple on the counter. The guy looks at it suspiciously and says, "Where's my drink?"
The bartender says, "Go ahead. Take a bite." Incredibly the first bite tastes like gin. The bartender says, "Turn it around." The guy can't believe it, the other side tastes like tonic. He eats the apple.
A bit later the guy goes back to the bartender, "Gimme a Vodka and orange juice." The bartender again reached under the bar and puts another apple on the counter and says, "Go ahead, take a bite"
The guy can't believe it, it tasted of orange. The bartender says, "turn it around!" The apple tasted of Vodka, so the man eats the apple.
Just about then, a beautiful woman walks in and passes the two men, and the guy at the bar says, "You know, I could sure go for eating some pussy tonight!"
The bartender nods his head and produces another apple. The man stares at the apple and says, "No way man!"
The bartender tells him, "Go ahead and take a bite."
After the first bite the man angrily spits out the apple and says, "Yuck, That apple tastes like shit!"
The bartender looks at the man and calmly says, "Turn it around!"

6)
A rather attractive woman goes up to a bar in a quiet country pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over to her immediately.
When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.
"Are you the manager?" she asks softly stroking his face with both her hands.
"Actually, no." says the barman.
"Can you get him for me please - I need to speak to him." She asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid the manager is off sick, " breathes the barman, obviously aroused, "Is there anything I can do for you?"
"Well, as a matter of fact there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently, "Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room!"

7)
An Englishmen, Irishmen, Scotsman, Australian, Yankee, African, Elephant, Refrigerator, Two blondes, a faggot, Jew and a crocodile walked into a bar.
The bartender said, "Is this some kind of joke?"

8)
A weird guy from the city drops into a country pub one night and bets anybody that he can eat the dirtiest, sloppiest turd ever produced. If he can't then the owner of the turd wins $1000.
The first guy to try was a trucker who proceeded to produce a turd that was so runny that it started to run down the cracks in the floor. The city fella licked it all up in no time at all. The next guy to have a go was an old pig raiser ad he did a shit that went from his chair, over the table and onto the next chair. The city dude panicked a bit but still managed to eat it all up in five seconds flat.
Now everyone in the pub was amazed and it looked like the city dude was going to keep all the money. Suddenly a biker walks in and decides to have a go.
He stood on the bar and laid the meanest, smelliest shit anyone had ever seen. It went up the length of the bar, down across the barstools and right to the feet of the city dude. He gets down and starts chomping away but all of a sudden heaves his guts out all over the place.
The biker goes over to the bar, picks up the money and as he is about to leave he decided to stir the dude.
The weird city guy turned around and said, "It wasn't your turd that made me sick. It was the little bastard in the corner picking his nose!"

9)
Phil was at the bar complaining about having a headache.
"I have a great cure for a headache," said his mate Trevor, "Whenever I have a headache, I head home and I get my wife to give me a long slow and wet blowjob!"
A week went by and they were sitting in the bar again talking, "Did you try my headache cure?" said Trevor.
"Yeah, " said Phil, "It worked fine. Your house is nice too!"

10)
These three guys are sitting in a bar arguing which one has the ugliest wife. The conversation begins to get heated to the point of the bartender telling them to get the hell out or shut up. In fact he says, "Why don't you all settle this once and for all and just visit each others houses and decide for yourselves."
Damn good idea they agree. They finish their drinks and make off for the first guy's house.
Upon arriving he bangs on the door and the wife answers, she's not pretty and he turns to collect the bet from the other two.
"Not so fast," said the second guy, "I got that beat!" And they go off to the second guy's house. He bangs on the door and his wife answers, the door opens and all three men step back in fright, she's damn ugly. He asks to collect the bet, but the third guy says, "Sorry, I have you both beat!"
They go to the third guy's house and they walk straight in, there is no sign of anybody about. He stomps his foot on the floor and they all hear this voice say, "Is that you honey?"
"Yeah, it's me!" he says.
"Do you want me to come out?" she asks.
"Yes please!" he says.
"Should I put the bag over my head?" she asks.
He says, "No, I don't want to fuck you, I just want to show you off!"

11)
Three guys are in the bar discussing how much their wives bitch at them. They decide that when they get home they will do the first thing that the women ask.
The next night they meet up in the same bar. The first guy say's,"Man, I don't think our idea was great! I was sitting on the couch watching TV, and I dropped my cigarette on the cushion. My wife said 'Why don't you burn the whole house down'. The house is still smouldering.
The second guy says, "That's nothing. I was working on the car and dropped my wrench and it nicked the bumper. She said 'Why don't you tear the whole car apart'. It took me all night.
The third guy says, "You guys don't have nothing on me. When I walked into the door, my wife was doing the dishes, and I felt a little romantic. I reached down and put my hand between her legs. She said 'Cut it out!'. Have you two ever seen one of these from up close?"

12)
A drunk is sitting in a bar totally pissed. He asks the barman where the bathroom is. The bartender told him to go down the hall and make a right.
All of sudden, everybody in the bar hears a loud scream and wonders what is going on in the bathroom. A few minutes go by and again everybody at the bar hears another loud scream that came out of the bathroom again.
This time the bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming about.
He opened the door and asked the drunk, "What's all the screaming about in here pal? You are scaring all my customers away."
"I'm sorry," said the drunk, "but when I'm sitting on the toilet, every time I flush the toilet, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls."
With that the bartender opens the door and looks in and says, "No wonder, your sitting on the mop bucket you arsehole!"

13)
Two perfect strangers were talking to each other in the pub. One of them said, "If you were to wake up in the woods with Vaseline smeared all over your arse, would you tell anyone?"
The other one said, "Of course not!"
The first bloke said, "Oh, then would you like to go camping with me then?"

14)
A guy walks into a bar and orders a double scotch. After the bartender hands him his drink, he pours it down in one gulp and says,"Give me another!"
The bartender says,"Hey pal, what are you celebrating?"
"My first head job!"
"All right!" says the barman, "This one is on the house!"
"Keep em coming," says the man, "I have just got to get this taste out of my mouth!"

15)
Two mates are having a chat over a beer. "Do you like women with bad odour and bad breath?" the guy said to his friend.
"No way!" his friend replied.
"Well," says the first friend, "Do you like pussies you could hide a watermelon in?"
"Fuck, no way!" replied his friend.
"Well," says the first friend,"What the hell are you doing fucking my wife then?"

16)
An American, Canadian and Australian were sitting in a seedy bar enjoying a few beers. The American grabbed his beer, knocked it back in one gulp, then he threw his glass into the air and shot it with his pistol.
As he put the pistol on the bar, he told the Canadian and Australian that in the great US of A they had so much money that they never had to drink out of the same glass twice.
Next the Australian drank his beer, threw the glass in the air and shot the glass with the American's pistol. He put the gun back down and said, "In Australia, there is so much sand that glass is cheap and I don't ever drink out of the same glass too!"
Next, the Canadian drank his beer, grabbed the gun off the bar, and shot the American. As he was putting the gun back down, he told the Australian, "In Canada we have so many Americans you never have to drink with the same one twice!"

17)
Over beers, two friends were having a discussion about the charms of a certain actress.
"I say she's overrated," said one, "Take away her hair, lips, and her figure, what do you have?"
"My wife!" said the other fellow.

18)
What's the similarity between a basketball player and a drunk in the pub?
They both dribble when they are trying to score!

19)
One day a guy walked into a bar and ordered ten pints of lager with a further twelve vodka chasers. The barman then watched, amazed, as the guy downed one drink after another in only a couple of minutes.
Having recovered the guy said, "I shouldn't have done that with what I've got!"
"What have you got?" asked the barman.
The bloke looked at him guiltily and said, "Oh, about one dollar!"

20)
One day a woman walked into the bar. She was the ugliest thing you have ever seen. Sweaty, covered in spots and smelling of piss. She also had the hairiest armpits you have ever seen. Suddenly she raised her arm, hairs sticking out of her pit, and said, "What man out there will buy a woman a drink?"
Everyone ignored her apart from a little drunken guy in the corner. "Bartender!" the guy shouted, "I want to buy that ballerina a drink!"
The bartender gives the woman a whiskey and knocks it back in one gulp.
Instantly, the woman raises her arm again, hairs sticking out of her smelly armpit, points at all the men and again says, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"
Again the little drunken guy says, "Bartender, buy that ballerina another drink!"
The barman gives another whisky to the ugly woman and then turns to the little drunken guy and says, "I know it's none of my business if you want to buy a lady a drink, but why do you keep on calling her a ballerina?"
"Sir," replied the drunk, "any woman who can lift her leg up that high has to be a ballerina!"

21)
One day a brain and a jump lead went into a bar for a drink. "Two pints of beer!" said the brain.
"I can't serve you two!" replied the barman, "Your out of your head and your friend looks like he is ready to start something!"

22)
One day a man walked into a bar in Alabama and ordered a gin and tonic. Surprised, the bartender looked at him and said, "Ya ain't from round here, are ya boy."
"No I'm not," replied the man, "I am from Pennsylvania!"
The bartender frowned and said, "What do you do there then?"
"I am a taxidermist!" replied the man.
"A taxidermist" the bartender laughed, "What the fuck is a taxidermist?"
The guy looked at him and said, "I mount animals!"
The bartender smiled and looked around at the rest of the guys in the bar. "It's Okay boy's," laughed the bartender, "He's one of us!"

23)
One night a man walked into his local bar, ordered a drink, knocked it back, took out his cock and pissed all over the bar.
The landlord was furious about this and told the man to get out.
"I'm sorry," said the man, "I don't know what came over me. I will have to go and see my psychiatrist!"
A week later the same man walked into the bar again, ordered a drink, pulled his cock out again and pissed all over the bar.
"Right you motherfucker," screamed the landlord, "Get the fuck out and don't come back!"
A week later, the same man enters the bar again but before he can order a drink the landlord stops him.
"It's Ok," replied the man, "I have been having treatment and my psychiatrist say's everything is fine now."
The landlord decides to give him a drink. The guy pours the drink down his throat, pulls out his cock again and pisses all over the bar.
The landlord was stunned.
"I thought you said you had been to see your psychiatrist?" asked the landlord.
"I have." replied the man shaking the last of his piss all over bar.
"But you just pissed all over my bar again!" stammered the landlord.
"I know," replied the man, "but I don't feel guilty about it anymore!"

24)
Two guys were sitting in a bar one day watching football on the television. It was a big match and one of the men turned to the other and said, "The manager of that football team was trying to get me for months you know."
"He was?" replied the other man, "who were you playing with at the time?"
"His wife!" laughed the man.

25)
One day two rednecks, Jethro and Ebner were driving down the road drinking beer when they suddenly saw a police road block ahead of them.
"Fucking hell!" screamed Ebner, "I can't get busted again or I will go straight to jail! What the fuck are we gonna do with all these full beers we have left?"
"Hold on there Ebner," replied Jethro, "I have a good plan. First let's drink all the beer then peel the labels off the bottles and stick them to our foreheads, then hide all the empty bottles under our seats!"
Anyway they drink all the remaining bottles, paste the labels to their heads and stash the bottles away just in time when the sheriff knocked on the truck window.
"Afternoon boys," said the sheriff, "Have you two been drinking?"
"No, not us officer," replied Jethro, "We're on the patches!"

26)
One day a big huge redneck guy went into the bar with an alligator on a leash.
"Do you serve Martinis?" he asked the redneck.
"Yes we do." replied the barman.
"Do you serve niggers?" asked the redneck.
"Yes, of course we serve black people sir." replied the barman nervously.
"Good," replied the redneck, "I will have a martini for myself and a nigger for my alligator!"

27)
One day Jack went home after a night of drinking and after stumbling through the door his wife shouted, "What the fuck do you think you are doing coming home half drunk?"
"I'm shorry dahling," slurred Jack, "I ran out uv money, burp!"